Marooned! Maroooned! Marooooooooned! Oh, God I wish I had a thesaurus.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Eddie returns from the secret Japanese bunker with a medical kit.]
Wow! But Eddie, where on earth did you...
[Turns around and notices the door has swung open. He laughs and points it out to Eddie who quickly runs over to close it again.]
Eddie! [Breaks into giggles.]
(to audience) There was a little mistake there, wasn't there? Did you spot it? Fucking bastards! Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha! (To Richie who's still giggling) I'm gonna fucking get us out of this one. The yes, yes! The... poisoned dart... the poisoned dart has given you... (to the audience who start laughing) Shut up, give it a fucking chance. The poisoned dart has given you momentary amnesia. (Richie is helpless with laughter to which the audience also laugh) He seems to have a side-effect of excessive giggling. But either way, you probably won't remember the door to the secret Japanese bunker until Act 2 when you're supposed to fucking find out about it!
Why are the Scots such arseholes, Eddie?
Do you mind? I happen to be part Scottish myself, you know!
Really, Eddie? Which part?
My arsehole.
What sort of bloke?
Well, he was wearing a scuba-diving outfit, and had a pronounced French accent. I think he may have been a Frogman.
A what?
I'm afraid you heard correctly the first time. A Frogman. [to audience] Fuck off, you paid.
Aahh, paradise isn't it, Eddie? Beaches, palm trees, bam-BOO. Palm trees, beaches, bam-BOO. Sand, trees, bam-BOO... God, I'm bored. Bored, bloody bored.
[There is a cry from the back of the audience: "Have a wank!"]
We had a wank in the interval. That's what the interval is for. And I bet you had one too, didn't you? 'Cos you look like a wanker!
I think my theory holds water.
And what theory is that?
That our diet has got something to do with what we eat.
I thought it was your pants that had something to do with what you'd eat.
Well, you were the one who sawed the captain in half.
HE was a volunteer.
No, no, HE was trying to stop the show.
Well anyway, the trick worked brilliantly! We sawed him in half!
Yeah, I think the essence of the trick is in the joining back together.
Details, details. It's in the sawing where the real essence lies, and we accomplished that with panache.
No we didn't, we were hacking away at him for hours!
Oh, I'm gone, man, solid gone.
Eddie, will you stop this Disney shite? We're going to get sued to buggery quite apart from eaten to fuck!
[Cardboard Shark Fins are dragged along the front of the stage]
Well it just goes to show there's no escape for us that way is there eddie? if we even think to take on the dangers of the-m-mighty pacific (pause and the audience cheer) Fish are fucking frisky tonight! if we even think of taking on the mighty pacific, we'd almost...(audience murmurs) I haven't finished yet! we'd almost certainly trip over a few little bits of wire... (waits for audiences response which is dismal)
Yeeeees...or get a papercut
[Rik Mayall has forgotten his lines]
Oh, Eddie!
And whenever you can't remember you go "OH, EDDIE!"
Oh, Eddie.
(turns to face Richie) Yes?
(panicking) oooooohhhh Eddie...oh, god...(relisation hits him)
(audience cheers)
(cutting off the audience) He probably hasn't got the right one.
......Fuck!
[a prop Albatross has broken down at the side of the stage]
Behold the mighty Albatross! See it soar, watch it swoop...
Yes. Watch it circle, watch it loop-the-loop, watch it get the fucking prop man sacked!
[a bird's droppings have landed on Eddie's Head]
That's lucky, that is!
What that you weren't standing here?
[Audience are laughing as Eddie towels his head]
Well, I'm glad I can amuse you all in my own humble little way. Welcome to sophisticated fucking Bristol. (puts on a Bristol accent) "Ooh, it was fuckin' great, fuckin' seagull shat on 'is 'ead an' we all fuckin' pissed ourselves!"
Yes and here they are, the completely wild knives... covered in wild albatross shit.
[picks up a knife]
Yes, look how hard and steely they are. Look how very, very sharp...
[slits his own tongue]
Ooh fuckin' hell!
[The pair are alone in some domed room]
Hello?
Hello!
No not you!
Maybe I wasn't replying to you.
So then, there really is someone else here?
Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Who is it?
Its me! Hello!
Look out Eddie, Ainsley Harriot is coming down here and he's strapping on a condom!
Quick, Get out of my way! I don't want to be in Ready Steady Fuck!
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