Bottom quotes

Do you know how many birds there are in the world?

Yeah, about three billion.

Do you know how many of them I've slept with?

Yep.

None.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, statistically that's really quite phenomenal, isn't it?

Not for an ugly fat bastard like you it isn't.

I wonder what sort of great bird'd suit me?

Blind one. Well, blind deaf masochist really.

"Dear Eddie, by the time you read this I will be dead. I know you'll be feeling terribly guilty but don't blame yourself, although it really is your fault. If I was alive I would forgive you, but I'm not, so I can't, so you'll just have to live with it. Richard." (Fighting back tears) Poor blighter! All he needed was the love of a good woman. Well not even a good one, any old one would have done; slap a wig on a 'Speak your Weight' machine, he'd have been happy. And now he's gone and done himself in! [Plays some keys on Richie's electric organ] Well, this ought to fetch a few quid.

Well I can't go, everyone will think that I'm Sean Connery.

You don't look a bit like Sean Connery.

I don't know, maybe death would be a blessed relief.

[still as Michael Caine] Zulus, thousands of them. Wait till you see the whites of their eyes lads! [pause] They would have won if they'd kept their eyes closed. Not a lot of people know that.

Why don't we play Cluedo for my life?

Because you always cheat! You always look at the mystery cards!

How do you know these things?

I'm Death!

Sorry. [shouts] How do you know these things?

No, I'm Death! I'm Death!

Ok, I Spy it is. Oh God, this is important. Better make it a goodie... Ok, coming, ready or not. I Spy with my little eye something beginning with "S".

"Submarine".

No! Ha ha! It was "Scythe". Ha! Ha! Oh, I win, I get to live! Thank you Baby Jesus! Thank you all the Baby Jesuses!

Hang on, hang on, hang on! "Scythe" doesn't begin with an "S".

Yes, it does!

It bloody doesn't, it's a "C"!

It's not!

It is! Get a dictionary!

Alright, I've got one here. Here... [Flicking through the pages] Scythe, scythe, scythe. There you are, "Scythe". "S-C-Y-T-H-E".

That's "Sither".

It's "Scythe", it says "Scythe" there! It's in the dictionary! Jesus wrote this!

Come on, it's Sunday, it's a day of rest! Absolutely nothing to do for twenty-four hours.

It's a bit like every other day then really, isn't it?

It's not very sexy, is it?

No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".

I think this is for kids you know Eddie. I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get?

"Big Jugs"

[excited] "Big Jugs"! All right! [reads box] "A history of pottery in the nineteenth century." Anything else?

Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look. "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam".

Yabba-dabba-doo! [reads] No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Making."

Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"!

I'm Church of England. What are you, Eddie?

I don't know.

Well, what was your mother?

A wrestler.

What's so great about being a nation of shopkeepers?

What's so great about being a nation of shopkeepers?

Yeah. What's so great about it?

Well it makes us superior to everyone else. Because we know how to run a corner shop.

Righty-ho young Sonny Jim old fella-me-lad matey-skip me old pal from the briny, let's fill up the picnic hamper!

Why're you putting mayonnaise on your face?

It's not mayonnaise, it's sun tan lotion.

(examining bottle) Never heard of low calorie sun tan lotion.

What? Oh no, blast! Oh God! Oh, argh-rrgh! Phuh! Well where's the sun tan lotion then?

You squirted that into your cheese roll.

But I ate that!

(grinning) Yeah, I know.

Well why didn't you tell me?

Because I don't like you very much.

So what was your Indian name then? Running Mouth? Sitting Down? Talking Bollocks?!

Dances With The Wind.

That'll be the curry again.

Ah! "May all your birthdays be happy ones, we like you more than Eddie." Ah-haa. That's nice, isn't it?

Okay, okay, okay. Let's sort this out. Now we're good friends Eddie, we've known each other for a long time, we can talk. And there is something I have been meaning to say to you for the last twenty-five years.

Ah! What's that?

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Go away and crawl away and die in a ditch somewhere, you bastard!

Hang on, hang on hang on hang on. I've got your real present here.

It's a piece of paper. It is a small piece of paper.

Read it.

"Madame Swish, 3:30." Oh! Eddie! You haven't? Oh, what a pal you are. "Madame Swish". Ooh-err! God, at last I'm really going to do it. And on my birthday as well! Oh, I wonder what she's like?

She's a dead cert mate, a real stayer.

Really?

Yeah, she'll come first.

What, before me? Good grief, that's quick. So she'll think I'm great! Oh, what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?

Um, not exactly. I need a tenner.

A tenner. Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it?

Er, well, no, in that case it's a tenner each way.

How many ways are there?

Well you'll come first, second or third?

Third? How many people are gonna be there?

Well, a few thousand.

What!

It's at Kempton.

Kempton?! I can't get all the way down to Kempton by 3:30!

You won't have to, mate. It'll be on the telly.

They're going to televise it? Well what if my auntie's watching?

Well what's illegal about betting on a horse?

A horse?! Madame Swish is, is a horse!

Yeah! What did you think it was?

Oh nothing. Just checking.

I have given you a red-hot tip.

I know and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there!