Black Books · Season 1
[Bellowing] Will you leave me alone?! I'm sick and tired of being hounded by salesmen in shops! I'm browsing, all right?! Browsing! At the end of it I might buy something, I might not - but you will not influence me one iota! Not one jot! Now I've finished with you, YOU MAY GO!
No one is willing to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste.
But you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that?
What?
What's that you're eating?
It's some sort of delicious biscuit.
It's a coaster.
Is it? Are there any more?
If you're gonna give the guy pencils for drinking his wine, you're talking about, you know, magic pencils. You draw a cow, the cow comes to life – those kind of pencils!
[repeated line]
Dirty.
Right now I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe!
[Speaking into a dictaphone] North ceiling corner, cobwebs containing a number of deceased arachnids... with beans.
[Very drunk] Why do you have a toaster in your bathroom? I'm on the toilet, right, and then Jimmy comes in, and he's drinking milk from the fridge, and that's all wrong - it's unhygienic. And what were you thinking when you said to yourselves, "Oh yeah, I'll get a wicker toilet"?
[Pretending to talk on the police station telephone, being watched by a policeman] Uh, yeah, hello...Raiders! You'd...just...better...watch it! Or I'll be down your manor with all the other policemen! And we'll arrest your arse! [timidly] Bye!
[Doing 'Good Cop, Bad Cop' with a local criminal]
You have... beautiful eyes.
You think I should wash my beard?
Yes, I think you should wash it. Then you should shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow.
You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
I like the dead bees on the windowsill! They don't leave the door open and get us robbed!
Excuse me there seems to be some sort of mistake. I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money.
That's how much it costs.
Why? Is it special popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high?
[Shows Bernard a video] This is the latest. Set in a women's prison. £25.
Do you have anything with nurses?
Yeah, sure, all sorts.
What kinds of nurses?
Well, ones with big tits!
No, I'm more interested in nurses who do paperwork, filing, that sort of thing.
That's very specific. Oh how about this? [Shows him another video] "Administrative Nurses", £40.
Sorry, that should say "Senior Administrative Nurses", that's really the only thing I'm interested in.
[The pornographer lifts his thumb to reveal the video's full title, "Senior Administrative Nurses"]
Well, maybe we could sit down, open a bottle of wine and watch it together?
I ate all your bees.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Black Books pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
