[Manny has run away and suffered a series of unfortunate calamities while on the phone with Bernard]
Well, where is he? How can I find him?
Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Oh my god! Mickey Rourke had another facelift. He looks like his trousers.
Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail, you will toil your life away and I will die alone upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.
[To Fran] You! What did you say to Kate? She thinks I'm the Renaissance. She'll think I've lied! I've had to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff. She's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm just a reclusive wanker!
I won't do it.
That is a pity. Well, I hope you enjoy your weekend repricing every single individual book in the shop, because they've all just gone up by a penny.
I've got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She'll be a summery girl. She'll have hair. She'll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She'll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I'll ditch her, because she's my summer girl!
[Bernard runs up to his 'summer girlfriend' wearing an accordion]
Hello! I've come to serenade you. I can't play guitar. I can't play this either, but I thought it'd be less obvious.
I will have no malingerers in my shop. Now go and fetch me my lolly!
[About Fran who is looking for a job]] You can sort your life out anytime; the pub closes in five hours.
[Regarding a violent, ugly gangster - Danny] Look at that face! I bet his Corn Flakes tried to crawl out of the bowl!
I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
What did he say, the midget?
You mustn't call him a midget...
(Moves right up into Manny's face) He's a midget. A tiny midget.
What if he hears you?
HE WON'T, HIS EARS ARE TOO SMALL!!!
DDanny
If I can't read by Friday, you'll both be brown bread, buttered, with Harry, on the boat. (Leaves after whacking Manny on the chest who then bends over in pain, whining)
(Whines with Manny) Who's Harry?! (Whines again) I don't have a boat!
Perhaps you'd like me to put the price down.
CCustomer
Well I was thinking two pounds.
Because three pounds is just naked profiteering for a book of a mere... [checks the back pages of the book] 912 pages long. What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add another acre to the grounds. I'll chuck a few more koi carp in my piano shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.
CCustomer
Two fifty.
That's more like it. Now you're being reasonable. [takes the book back and opens it] Two fifty gets you...[rips a few pages out of the book] this much. You can come back and collect the rest when you have the other 50p.
CCustomer
But you--
[Hits bell] Thank you!
[Customer walks out]
Bernard...
Don't start, customer lover.
I was just going to say, I'm off to get the paint.
What for? The shop's the way it is because it is the way it is. [Pause] If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is.
It needs doing.
It's charming. It has character.
Character is an ambience, a feeling. It's not something with fur and a beak.
[As if to illustrate his point, a strange oinking noise starts from somewhere on the floor - Manny moves over to a bookshelf, grabs a whip and kills the unseen monster, then adds a tally mark to the blackboard]
They've moved the nest again. I was going to get two brushes, by the way.
You can paint with both hands, that's nice.
Well, I was kind of thinking that-
No, you weren't, you just thought you were thinking.
Well maybe if-
No.
But if-
NO! [Manny gives up and walks out, but Bernard has his head turned and doesn't see] I don't want to be bothered, [Fran comes in] you big, hairy... [Looks back and sees Fran] Oh, hello.
Bernard, where's the thing?
It's on the thing on top of the thing!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Black Books pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.