Manny quotes from Black Books

Manny

I won't do it.

Bernard

That is a pity. Well, I hope you enjoy your weekend repricing every single individual book in the shop, because they've all just gone up by a penny.

Bernard

What did he say, the midget?

Manny

You mustn't call him a midget...

Bernard

(Moves right up into Manny's face) He's a midget. A tiny midget.

Manny

What if he hears you?

Bernard

HE WON'T, HIS EARS ARE TOO SMALL!!!

Bernard

Perhaps you'd like me to put the price down.

Well I was thinking two pounds.

Bernard

Because three pounds is just naked profiteering for a book of a mere... [checks the back pages of the book] 912 pages long. What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add another acre to the grounds. I'll chuck a few more koi carp in my piano shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.

Two fifty.

Bernard

That's more like it. Now you're being reasonable. [takes the book back and opens it] Two fifty gets you...[rips a few pages out of the book] this much. You can come back and collect the rest when you have the other 50p.

But you--

Bernard

[Hits bell] Thank you!

Manny

Bernard...

Bernard

Don't start, customer lover.

Manny

I was just going to say, I'm off to get the paint.

Bernard

What for? The shop's the way it is because it is the way it is. [Pause] If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is.

Manny

It needs doing.

Bernard

It's charming. It has character.

Manny

Character is an ambience, a feeling. It's not something with fur and a beak.

Manny

They've moved the nest again. I was going to get two brushes, by the way.

Bernard

You can paint with both hands, that's nice.

Manny

Well, I was kind of thinking that-

Bernard

No, you weren't, you just thought you were thinking.

Manny

Well maybe if-

Bernard

No.

Manny

But if-

Bernard

NO! [Manny gives up and walks out, but Bernard has his head turned and doesn't see] I don't want to be bothered, [Fran comes in] you big, hairy... [Looks back and sees Fran] Oh, hello.

Manny

Bernard, where's the thing?

Bernard

It's on the thing on top of the thing!

Fran

No thanks, I'm not hungry.

Manny

Oh no, they're not for you, just chuck them under the bed.

Fran

Why? What's under there?

Manny

Dunno. We just call it... the thing.

Fran

At least the natives thought Manny was their God.

Manny

[Thoughtfully] Yes, it'll be some time before I want to sacrifice another monkey.

Bernard

[Snapping and grabbing Manny's collar] WE SAID WE WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT CANADA!!

Manny

Do you have your keys?

Bernard

No. I left them in the bag, which you kindly unburdened us of by losing!

Manny

Ah.

Bernard

What do you mean 'Ah'?

Manny

It's just I think my keys may have been in there too.

Bernard

Were they? [chuckles] Funny thing, travel; it's just one thing after another. You're fired.

Fran

Oh, now look...

Bernard

And after I dislodge and return your thong, I never want to see you again either!

Manny

[About Evan] Bernard! He wants my hair!

Bernard

[To Evan] How dare you?! Don't you touch a hair on that boy's head! Have you no respect? He's mine! Get your own human play-thing, you quartz-brained little cream puff!

Look at me, Manny. What do you see?

Manny

Well...

I’ll tell you. You see me and you say, "Hey, there’s Evan. He’s a young guy, he likes the Stereophonics, he rides a scooter. Lets see how far I can push him." But you’ve let me down, Manny!

Bernard

Let's just, you know, get some ideas bouncing around. Sort of go crazy, you know, no rules...

Manny

Yeah, yeah, sort of anything goes-

Bernard

[hysterically] No, not anything goes! I said no rules!

Manny

Here is the elephant; he's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino :[he and Bernard shake their heads drunkedly]: Look in the alligator's mouth,

It's not there either!

Manny

Ohhhh the Monkey's got it in the tree! He brings it back

They all drink lemonade. The End!

Manny

There's only one system: bet, lose, borrow, steal, lose, take the drugs, lose, prison... death.

Bernard

Don't get pious; you started me off.

Manny

That was a just a flutter; this is Satan's bingo.

Manny

I'll tell you where you should go, Venezuela. It's amazing

Yeah, dear old Venny. Been there have you?

Manny

Yes, I have actually, yes. I went kayaking in the swamps of the Barracas.

North or south?

Manny

North.

[Dismissive] Ah, very nice, north. The tourist swamps.

Bernard

So you admit you deliberately stepped in front of the bullet?

Manny

[softly] Yes.

Bernard

And wantonly sprayed blood from your head wound across the shop?

Manny

[softly] Yes.

Bernard

Before going to waste time writhing around on an 'emergency operating table'?

Manny

[softly] Yes.

Bernard

[hands Manny an affidavit and a pen] Sign here. No wages for seven years. If it wasn't for you, that cat would be where he belongs: in Hell, being chased by giant mice!

Fran

I've had an idea for your event Manny.

Manny

Great!

Fran

Yes, you could get everyone come into the shop to vote for what they think it's the most stylish city in Europe.

Manny

(begins to chuckle)

Fran

Then...

Manny

(continues chuckling)

Fran

At the end of the week you can...

Manny

(continues chuckling)

Fran

What?

Manny

Europe... you are funny Fran. I hardly think your little jaunts to Europe count as travel.

Fran

Well, pardon me!

Manny

This is not a festival for tourists! We've got an explorer coming in, he's giving a talk! The the the... legendary, famously charming Jason Hamilton.