Veronica Palmer quotes from Better Off Ted

Veronica

Why is there never any creamer?

Ted

Ants. No, ghosts. No, I don’t know.

Ted

We may have created a monster in the lab.

Veronica

It's not a monster. It's a cyborg that can kill without remorse.

Ted

I was talking about Phil. What are you talking about?

Veronica

[pause] I was also talking about Phil. [Ted gives her a look] It's classified. But it's gonna be a fantastic new tool, if we can get it to tell the difference between soldiers and children.

Ted

I can't go now, I have to watch Rose.

Veronica

I can wash Rose.

Ted

...I said "watch" her, not "wash" her.

Veronica

Hm, even easier.

Ted

The fact that you thought I was going to go wash Rose right now makes me think you might not know all that much about children.

Veronica

I know they need to be cleaned.

Ted

The system doesn't see black people?

Veronica

I know. Weird, huh?

Ted

That's more than weird, Veronica. That's basically, well... racist.

Veronica

The company's position is that it's actually the opposite of racist, because it's not targeting black people. It's just ignoring them. They insist the worst people can call it is "indifferent."

Ted

Well, they know it has to be fixed, right? Please... at least say they know that.

Veronica

Of course they do, and they're working on it. In the meantime they'd like everyone to celebrate the fact that it sees Hispanics, Asians, Pacific Islanders, and Jews.

And 63% found you too intimidating.

Veronica

Is there such a thing as too intimidating? Is there? Answer me you little bean counter.

Veronica

So we're all gonna have to give depositions and say we didn't know this could happen.

Ted

But we didn't know it could happen.

Veronica

Good. That sounds very truthful.

Ted

Because we didn't know.

Veronica

That one wasn't as good.

Ted

But we didn't.

Veronica

There you go. That's the one.

Ted

Veronica!

Veronica

I'd leave my name out of it.

Were you involved in the development of this product?

Veronica

Yes.

And how would you summarize the company's reaction when they found out that the women who used this product were savagely attacked by insects?

Veronica

Ouch.

Will you elaborate on that please?

Veronica

No.

Can you describe your job?

Veronica

Yes.

[Pause] How would you describe your job?

Veronica

Cleverly.

Ted

Veronica, quick question.

Veronica

What is it with everyone and their questions this morning? "Where'd you learn to drive?", "Will you marry me?", "Why would you say that to my baby?"

Veronica

So obviously that whale thing is a winner, or you wouldn't be telling me it's a loser.

Unless it's really a loser, and I'm pretending it's a loser to make you think it's a winner.

Veronica

Or I'm pretending to think it's a winner, when I actually know it's a loser because you said it's a loser to make me think it's a winner.

And so... the student becomes the master.

Veronica

Or the student has always been the master, and just wanted the master to think the master was the master when he was actually just the student.

These conversations are why your mother left us.

Veronica

That, and the fact you porked your way through my sorority.

Veronica

There is no program to green the building.

Ted

Yeah there is. They made a commercial about it.

Veronica

I didn't say there wasn't a commercial about greening the building. I said there is no program to green the building.

Ted

So it's all a lie?

Veronica

They prefer to look at it as a dream.

Ted

But one they're not working towards.

Veronica

Are you working toward all your dreams, Ted? Then stop pointing fingers.

Veronica

This is going great!

Ted

Think how great it would be if we'd come up with a product.

Veronica

Products are for people who don't have presentations.

Ted

So, Veronica, the company wants genetically compatible employees to pair up? Is this the first step in trying to breed someone tall enough to change that light bulb in the lobby?

Veronica

Why do you think there's always some dark motive behind everything the company does? Did the corporation once touch you in a place that made you uncomfortable?

Ted

When they rolled back my pension, I definitely felt it between the cheeks.

Veronica

Okay, fine, this whole thing is about money. Happy now, Mr. Cynical?

Ted

Well, technically, Mr. Cynical can't be happy. It's his power and his curse.

Veronica

I know what you're going through. When my little sister came along, I was very jealous. That feeling never went away—even when she was older and I put testosterone in her orange juice, so she became hairy and unlovable and got kicked off the gymnastics team for doping.

Ted

Oh, my God!

Veronica

I was not a perfect child, Ted. My parents only had so much love, and I got it, and Monkey Girl didn't. Anyway, don't be like that.

Veronica

"Don't fight it?"

Ted

"You'd be surprised how easily that phrase just slides right outta you."

Veronica

"Sheila claims you propositioned her for a threesome."

Ted

"Veronica, I work full-time and I have an 8-year-old daughter. I don't even have the energy for a one-some. This is crazy."

Veronica

I heard about Jenkins' death. The company feels terrible about it.

Ted

People are working too hard, Veronica. We need to slow down.

Veronica

Legal's position's is, we don't know if hard work killed Jenkins. Legal thinks he may have had high cholesterol. They're also floating the idea that his being dead may have been a pre-existing condition, and that he may not have been alive when we hired him. Apparently he was pretty quiet in his job interview.