SMr. Schuster
I didn't know Orientals had a sense of humor.
Are you kidding? We invented gunpowder.
S1 E10The Guest
S1 E11Escape Artist
Anything happening I should know about?
EEveryone
Harris is writing a book.
A capella. Pretty good. I had in mind something more in the nature of a crime.
The coffee.
I would hesitate to call our coffee a crime. A shame maybe... [takes a sip of the coffee] Oh, that's a crime.
JJeffers
"Logical consequences are the scarecrows of fools and the beacons of wise men."
This cat is dynamite. I'm going to write that down.
It seems you found an admirer.
JJeffers
Do me a favor—don't tell him it's from Aldous Huxley until after I leave.
S1 E12Hair
You know those cute little Japanese dolls that you rub on the belly for luck?
Yeah.
I'm taking one out to dinner tonight.
S1 E13The Hero
Nick, where do we keep the office supply vouchers?
Look in the file under O. Or S. Or V. If not, then M, for miscellaneous. And if you don't find it in M, they're lost.
Then I look under L?
Good a place as any.
Did you ever wonder why the sperm whale, which is the largest mammal on the face of the earth, has a throat about that size? [forms a circle with his thumb and fingers]
Yeah. You know, I always did wonder. Why is that?
Because that's the way it is. And there ain't anything you can do about it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Barney Miller pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.