All That quotes

'Scuse me?

#1?

Yes. I lost my backpack; has anyone turned one in?

Is it a...black canvas bag with lights all around it?

Yes; that's the one!

Ah, ah...wait just a minute. How do I know that this is yours?

Because I told you so.

I'm instructed to get a detailed description before releasing any item.

Okay; I'll tell you what's inside.

A calculator.

Yep. What else?

A Teddy bear.

Anything...unusual about the Teddy bear?

Yes; as a matter of fact, it only has one eye.

So far, so good. Keep going.

Keep going? Isn't that enough?

Well, there's a lot of stuff in here.

Okay. There's a glow-in-the-dark Statue of Liberty.

Doesn't look like it glows to me.

Well, you have to put it in the light first. There's a big red flashlight in my backpack; use that.

Not much of a glow if you ask me, but...I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

How generous of you. Now, may I have my stuff, please?

Ah, ah...we have not yet established that this is "your stuff".

What about the hedge clippers? Sausage links?

What about them?

Well, if this wasn't my backpack, how on Earth would I know they were in there?

Lucky guess?

Well, that's five lucky guesses in a row.

Look. People pick six winning numbers in the lottery every day. A lot of people. I'm not impressed! Besides...there's still one more thing in here.

Okay. There's a gold pendant with an inscription from my grandmother.

Which says...?

"To Janet,...I will always have a special place for you in my heart. Love, Grandma Eva".

Aha! Nice try! This says "Love, Grandma Ethel", not "Eva". Close, but no backpack.

You're right. I can't believe it. I guess this isn't my stuff.

That's exactly why we go through this procedure.

I'm sorry I wasted your time.

Oh, quite all right; it happens all the time. (She starts putting the things back into the backpack)

Hey, man, wait a minute. Hey, what's wrong with you, man?! I drove through the drive-thru, and you threw food all over me!

Uh...no?

Uh...yes...look at it, I got shake all on my shirt, these Good Chunks all over me; what is wrong with you?!

Uh...napkin?

Oh, yeah; that'll really help...no, I don't need no napkin!

Uh...moist towelette?

Oh...no, I don't need a moist towelette or a napkin; what I need is a shower!

Oh. Okay, hold on. (Ed sprays the customer with ginger-ale)

What are you doing, man; what are you doing, what are you doing, what are you doing?! Why are you spraying me with water?!

I didn't. This was ginger-ale.

Lori Beth Denberg

Homework...bad. Pizza...'good'. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. [Long pause] No one cared. Ice cream tastes good. Armpits taste bad. If it looks bad, smells bad, and tastes bad, then it might be...this olllld burrito! It's a bad idea to put bacon on your face, and then run around screaming, LOOK AT ME; I'M PORKBOY, THE BREAKFAST MONKEY!. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. When left in the sun, mayonnaise grows hair. Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy you...PORKBOY, THE BREAKFAST MONKEY!

Whoa! We have a drive-through window!

Ed, we've had a drive-through window for 3 years; it's right over there.(He points the drive-through window out to Ed.)

Whoa! How does the car fit through that little window over there?

It doesn't, Ed! The cars don't drive through the window; they drive past the window!

Oh; well, why don't they call it a "drive-pass" window?

WHAT WAS THAT?! YOU LET THAT LITTLE GIRL TAKE YOU OUT WITH ONE LITTLE PLIÉ!

But...she kicked...me hard, Coach.

SHE IS A LITTLE GIRL, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, BRUNO!

But, she's real strong, and look; she ripped my tutu.

That's just "tutu" bad, isn't it?!

Okay, here is the deal; buy 30 boxes of Fudgy Clots, and I'll knock of 3%!"

What do you think you're doin'?

Selling Little Pansy cookies! Haven't I made that clear?

Times sure have changed; when I was young, we were never pushy Pansies.

Did I mention that Lulu Creams are made with real synthetic nougat?

Did you know I'm freakishly rich? I mean, I got over $4 billion.

How can I concentrate with that dee-licious pizza starin' at me?

Look at me, I'm in a bathtub full of money. I'm a sawed-off freak, takin' a $4 billion jacuzzi!

Who rang that bell?

It was I, Dorothy.

What about me, Mr. Cosby? What about my shower?

Well, you see, Dorothy, a shower is like a box of peanuts that you sit on with your wife Camille. And the grapefruit, and the avocados, and the little children running around in the neighborhood. Purty, purty, purty. Purty, purty, purty. And then, your big toe swells up in your underpants.

Lori Beth Denberg

It's nice to stop and smell the flowers. It's weird to stop and smell...this olllld burrito! If you smell smoke in your house, yell Fire!. If you smell smoke in your pants, yell 'Why am I smelling my pants?!". If your Mom's friend comes over with her new baby, don't say, Help me, Mama; that's one lousy baby!. If you have a pizza delivered, it's nice to tip the pizza man a dollar. It's not nice to say, Hey, thanks for the pizza...now, could you help me put it in my pants?. If you look under your arm, and find a big glob of mayonnaise...then NEVER, EVER, EVER COME NEAR ME! If your friend's Mom asks you what you'd like to drink, don't say Oh, nothing. My mouth's fulla spit. The early bird gets the worm. Fine! I don't want the worm!" Never put underwear on your head, and say to people, 'I'm little Nancy, and this my pretty new hat. It is better to sit there and look stupid...than it is to stand up, open your mouth, and announce, "HEY, I'M DEFINITELY STUPID!" If you like wearing a T-shirt that says "I'm extremely stupid"...well, then, you're extremely stupid. Girls...it's a bad idea to fill your bra with water and goldfish, and then people you've invented the "double-cup aquarium".

"Everyone, I have a little surprise for you all! Kenan?"

"It's the Big Ear of Corn!"

"So, what was wrong with the Corn?"

"Nothin'; it turns out that the Big Ear of Corn wasn't even sick at all! Katrina?"