Absolutely Fabulous quotes

Edina

I don't want a great, big fat bum like J'Lo, do I, darling? Laughs I mean, how high have that woman's heels got to keep that nancy off the pavement now?

Bubble

[cleaning] Hoover, hoover, hoover...

Edina

You have to turn it on, not just make the noise!

Edina

[to Emma Bunton] Well, darling, the trouble with you is you're not ... you're not kinda giving me anything! You know, if you want something from the tabs, you gotta give them something back! You're just kinda flatlining it, nice and sweet, are you? And they want a little bit of a heartbeat. They don't want to know your mum's your best friend, do they? They want you to be some one-armed lesbian asylum seeker! They want the full cellulite shots! They want a 40-in-the-bed perv orgy with your Spice mates! They want you mainlining, arm jacking, smack crack nightmare, darling! They want you-They want you filleted and splayed on the butcher's block so they can photograph all your organs for Heat magazine! I mean frankly, for once, I would like to see you foaming at the mouth, stinking of piss in the gutter with this little thumb stuck up Justin Timberlake's arse and you wearing nothing but a Gucci belt!

Catriona

Oh, tell her about your chocolate idea!

Oh, right! Well, just near where we sell the sunglasses--

Patsy

No. One whiff of a cocoa bean and our customers would fly like vampires before garlic! Jeremy's must remain a sterile oasis free from street eaters and coffee carriers. Aseptic! And razor sharp as our customers' hip bones! These women shop for lunch! Labels are their only sustenance! Their skeleton legs and their Manolo Blahniks have worn trenches down the pavements of Sloane Street!

I understand.

Patsy

Their arm sinews with just enough muscle left in their arms to lift up a credit card! Be clean! No chocolate!

Genius.

Patsy

Have I made myself perfectly clear?

As ice.

Catriona

Transparent.

Patsy

And if you ever try anything like this again ... I WILL KILL YOU!

Edina

Darling, how did you get so fat on AIDS rations? And-

Saffron

I am not fat - I'm pregnant! (end of filming)

Well, I suppose I'd better be off. I've got to get this lot (her knitting) down to the charity shop.

Edina

Oh, God. No one's that poor.

Or that shape!

[Cough] Mum!

Edina

Oh, don't be so stupid, smoke can't get in there, darling. Smoke can't touch the baby. If it could you'd have come out looking like prosciutto, believe me.

Patsy

Or Donatella, liver sausage in a wig

I've got an antenatal clinic to get to, 30 sweaty, wobbling women. Squatting on the floor, focusing on their exit holes. All believing they can breathe their way through childbirth. I tell 'em, "When push comes to shove, you'll be screaming for drugs and shitting the bed!"

You know my baby was so big it treated my inside like a smorgasbord, it picked my bones clean. I was a baby buffet. I was so long in labour they had to shave me twice.

Mum, you are just paying into the whole panic culture, I hate it. The world is actually safer than it's ever been. In fact, you're more likely to be hit by a bus!

Edina

Oh yeah, darling, that'd be ironic, wouldn't it? Closest I've ever been to public transport and it runs over me.

Patsy

I was at work today...

Now we're all in shock!

Patsy

The girls were off, so I was on the floor...

Nothing new for you!

Bubble

Minnie Driver? Is it a dwarf?

Edina

Who bloody needs 'em? Upper classes, who bloody needs 'em, sweetheart? They're all inbred anyway, aren't they?

Patsy

Yea, just a talking neck! Most of them have done away with features altogether! They have to marry a bit of common every now and again to ensure bone development!

Patsy

Oh darling, just do what they do with unwanted house guests. Drug it, and dump it in Hyde Park!

Bo

Hi, hi, hi! I want you to know I am in complete control. I know exactly what I'm doing.

I need the midwife.

Bo

I'm a nurse!

Marshall

A dental nurse!

Bo

[To Marshall] She'll never know. [Back to Saffy] Ok, open wide!