Saffy quotes from Absolutely Fabulous

You've been getting dressed for three hours and you still look like a bloated citrus fruit.

No. This is not how it's going to be any more. Mum, I am not going to be here just to put you to bed, to feed you, stub out your joints, clear out the sick, lie for you, disapprove of you. And not just you. [rounds on Patsy] You as well, cesspit from hell, stinking bag of bones that haunts this house every day like a mouldering cadaver, leeching the lifeblood out of everything it can get its filthy suckers onto. Well I'm fed up of being suckered! I will not take this anymore and this is not how it's going to be!

Edina

You are what you eat, remember?

Which makes you a very large vegetarian tart.

Edina

I wonder how you do go about it.

I should imagine you would have to go to Romania.

Edina

Oh don't be stupid, darling. I'm sure they could send over a selection and I could pick one.

Edina

Sweetie, don't you need some help, or something?

No, please don't. You've only ever used this cooker to light your fags off of!

Edina

Darling, that is simply not... No, that is true.

Edina

Did you just hit me? That's illegal, isn't it?

Edina

Anyway Patsy's got that job for life.

You don't mean to say she's actually good at something?

Edina

No, darling, she slept with the publisher!

Patsy

And I'm bloody good at it!

So what does a fashion director actually do?

Edina

Oh, darling, she gets a 50% discount at Harvey Nicks.

Patsy

It's not only that, I mean there is work involved, y'know, skill.

Edina

Yeah, course there is.

Patsy

I decide what goes in the magazine. Y'know, one snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high that the world is your gynaecologist!

Edina

God, I hope you're not inviting that bloody, bollocky, selfish, two-faced, chicken bastard, pig-dog-man, are you??

You could just say "Dad!" I'd still know what you meant!

It's a sticker with a green tree on it.

Edina

Yes.

What does that mean?

Edina

Kind to trees, sweetie.

How are they kind to trees?

Edina

Well they ain't made of wood, how kind do you want!?

Patsy

I should have sued. I was cut to ribbons, I was scarred for life!

Extraordinary how it managed to hit you in exactly the same place behind each ear!

Edina

Can I just say one word in my defence?

I don't think that's a good idea, mum, your mouth is working for the prosecution.

I could take these down to the charity shop.

Edina

Splutters. You cannot give these sort of clothes to the poor! Darling, I'm sure they've got enough to contend with without the added humiliation of wearing last season's, sweetie!

It was my birthday today, Mum. [storms upstairs]

Edina

You come back here, don't you think you can just say something like that, hit and run! Now listen, I gave you that birthday, darling. You wouldn't have that birthday if I hadn't been generous enough to uncross my legs and give you to the world, darling. Nobody's thanked me, have they?!

Bubble

She told me you had a tattoo on your unspeakables!

Edina

I didn't!

Patsy

Eddy?

Edina

I didn't. Unmentionables, I said.

That could be anywhere on her!

Edina

My New Year's resolution, sweetie… to have more fun! What's yours, Pats?

Patsy

Ohh, well, I think I'll just try to be more relaxed.

You? More relaxed? What is that, dead? Well, that cancels out my resolution.