Patsy quotes from Absolutely Fabulous

Patsy

The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic.

Patsy

[About Bettina] She was so anally retentive she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture.

Patsy

Darling, if you want to talk bollocks and discover the meaning of life you're better off just downing a bottle of whisky. At least that way you're unconscious by the time you start to take yourself seriously!

Patsy

Eddy, y'know, your stomach's like a dog that doesn't know when it's gunna be fed next so it just hangs around until you wanna kick it.

Patsy

I hate gynaecologists! A man who can always look you in the vagina but never in the eye!

Patsy

Oh darling, just do what they do with unwanted house guests. Drug it, and dump it in Hyde Park!

Patsy

..And I'm partial to an injection of adrenaline straight to the heart.

Patsy

What will you drink if you stop drinking?

Edina

I shall drink water.

Patsy

[Blank look]

Edina

It's a mixer, Patsy, we have it with whisky.

Edina

I'll just be able to send them back, won't I sweetie? Hmm?

Patsy

Sell 'em on. Mark 'em up, sell 'em on!

Edina

Anyway Patsy's got that job for life.

You don't mean to say she's actually good at something?

Edina

No, darling, she slept with the publisher!

Patsy

And I'm bloody good at it!

So what does a fashion director actually do?

Edina

Oh, darling, she gets a 50% discount at Harvey Nicks.

Patsy

It's not only that, I mean there is work involved, y'know, skill.

Edina

Yeah, course there is.

Patsy

I decide what goes in the magazine. Y'know, one snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high that the world is your gynaecologist!

Edina

I'm sorry, darling. It's just had some rather bad news today, that's all.

Patsy

I need a drink!

Edina

It's very bad news actually, Pats.

Patsy

Oh what?

Edina

I'm dying!

Patsy

You can't!

Edina

Well I am!

Patsy

Well what am I supposed to do if you die?

Edina

Get cabs!

Patsy

[Feels her stomach in discomfort]

Edina

Have you eaten something?

Patsy

No, not since 1973.

Patsy

I should have sued. I was cut to ribbons, I was scarred for life!

Extraordinary how it managed to hit you in exactly the same place behind each ear!

Patsy

[Running down the stairs with four cigarettes in her mouth] Light! Light! Light!

Edina

[Provides a light] Pats, honestly...

Patsy

Bloody hell!

Edina

Not another no smoking cab, Pats? They must see you coming these days.

Patsy

Bloody bastard asthmatic cab driver!