..And if you're a bloody psychic psychologist how come I'm always having to phone you?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
What will you drink if you stop drinking?
I shall drink water.
[Blank look]
It's a mixer, Patsy, we have it with whisky.
You've been getting dressed for three hours and you still look like a bloated citrus fruit.
You are what you eat, remember?
Which makes you a very large vegetarian tart.
I mean what you two don't seem to realise is that inside of me, inside of me, there is a thin person just screaming to get out.
Just the one, dear?
[to Bubble] You, remember, cancel my aromatherapy, my psychotherapy, my reflexology, my osteopath, my homeopath, my naturopath, my crystal reading, my shiatsu, my organic hairdresser. And see if I can be re-birthed next Thursday afternoon.
[Crossing her fingers] Consider it done!
The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic.
[Edina's threatening to adopt a Romanian baby]
I wonder how you do go about it.
I should imagine you would have to go to Romania.
Oh don't be stupid, darling. I'm sure they could send over a selection and I could pick one.
[Discussing the Romanian babies]
I'll just be able to send them back, won't I sweetie? Hmm?
Sell 'em on. Mark 'em up, sell 'em on!
Sweetie, don't you need some help, or something?
No, please don't. You've only ever used this cooker to light your fags off of!
Darling, that is simply not... No, that is true.
[Saffy slaps Edina.]
Did you just hit me? That's illegal, isn't it?
She's not handling this 40 thing too well, is she? I mean, golly, I wish I could tell her it's no big deal. I had a ball on my 40th birthday. I felt really strong, really sorted-out about it. I realized what a lucky, wonderful person I was. And whether in your 30s or your 40s, you're still the same gorgeous person. Enjoy life!
When will you be 50?
[Bo starts hyperventilating.]
She hasn't started 50 therapy yet.
[Discussing Patsy's job at the magazine]
Anyway Patsy's got that job for life.
You don't mean to say she's actually good at something?
No, darling, she slept with the publisher!
And I'm bloody good at it!
So what does a fashion director actually do?
Oh, darling, she gets a 50% discount at Harvey Nicks.
It's not only that, I mean there is work involved, y'know, skill.
Yeah, course there is.
I decide what goes in the magazine. Y'know, one snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high that the world is your gynaecologist!
Edina[to Saffy]: Not one bloody boyfriend in the whole time that I've known you! I mean, you're not that bloody ugly! What's the matter with you? Huh? Have you read that "Karma Sutra" I gave you? No! That Dutch cap has only ever seen the light of day. I mean, God! Here I am, your mother, poised for your first sexual experience and night after night, dry bloody sheets! I'm sorry, darling, but I don't want a little moustached virgin for a daughter, so do something about it!
NNurse
[pointing at Patsy] Facelift.
DDoctor
Oh it'll be a doddle. Grab her by the scalp, shake her up and down a bit and cut off the slack! Tomorrow.
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