You think you're a failure? 'Cause I think we did amazing.
The shop closed, Max. Our dream blew up in our face.
Lots of things blow up in your face, it's part of being a woman. You just... towel off and keep going.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[after inviting Sophie to his apartment] Girls, I may have oversold my apartment.
What, by saying she won't need to get shots?
Yes. Maybe you two could help me fix it up a little, give it a feminine touch.
Well, I'm out.
You know what? I'll do it. But I'm very recently out of work, so I'm gonna have to charge you.
If you didn't, you'd be the only girl who ever went to his apartment without getting paid.
You don't have to do this! Just call Han and apologize, and we can get outta here before the syphilis sets in.
No, he said some really hurtful things to me, and I'd rather stay here and work for Oleg and Alexis. At least I'll have my dignity. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go climb the Spermship Enterprise. Let me just get these curtains open so I can see better.
Seeing better? Is that the way to go?
Oh. I'm walking on a waterbed. This is harder than it looks.
How many times has that been said on this bed?
Oh, my heel! [her heel punctures Oleg's waterbad, squirting water in her face] I swallowed! I accidentally swallowed!
You know that's been said.
I'm gonna text Andy for another booty call, and maybe this time we can go out and have a booty breakfast.
As president of the Casual Sex Society, local chapter, I call bull on your booty.
What? It's a booty call.
Not with you it isn't. You think that booty breakfast will maybe lead to a booty dinner then maybe booty engaged and booty married and have a couple booty kids and a booty retirement home and then booty die together.
[after Caroline shows him a picture of her vagina on her phone] I thought it was annoying when people took pictures of their food.
When were you gonna tell me, Andy? When my vagina burst into flames and became an actual burning bush?
Wait, that's yours?!
Worst selfie ever, right?
Wow, I didn't recognize it. Was it out in the sun?
You owe me $250 for the blood test, Andy.
And $9 for that drink. Look, everybody just calm down. Andy, you may or may not have given her herpes. She may or may not be overreacting. I may or may not have slept with that bartender. He is my type, and yet, he has a job, so he's not. And he... goes in the "Maybes."
[A film crew is interested in shooting a scene of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit at the diner]
TWTom Woo
We'd like to shoot here. It's got the right amount of funk and skank.
[gasps] If we do real good in this and get a spin-off, that'll be the name of our show—Funk and Skank!
Okay, but I don't wanna be Skank.
Oh, clearly I'm Skank.
[The director of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit invites Caroline to his hotel room, but she finds out he's married]
What do we do, Max? I don't wanna offend him. We need that extra money for Chestnut. This is the oldest tale in the book—a woman forced to trade her body to get her child shoes. It's Shakespearean, it's Dickensian, it's Kardashian!
Look at the bright side. You already thought he was sexy, so you were probably gonna sleep with him eventually. And now that he's married, you know he won't cheat on you with somebody else because you're that somebody else. You a side bitch!
No, Max, I can just tell him how I feel. Besides, he probably already got it. You heard me tell him he read the signs wrong.
[The director comes out of the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist]
Apparently the sign he read said "Three-way up ahead."
Give me your phone. You need to remind yourself of the person your father used to be. Look, here he is working with UNICEF. And here he is water-skiing on Lake Rich Person. Look at that smile. Is that the smile of— Hold up. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's coming out of the left leg of his swim shorts? I think your father's junk is trying to tell me there's gonna be six more weeks of winter.
What are you saying?
I'm saying, someone had a tip slip, and that is not a small tip. And as a waitress and a loose woman, I know a small tip when I see one.
Hey, you know, they'll probably come to you one day and want a tell-all book. Remember, we already have chapter one, "Sleep Farts." Chapter two: "My New Stepmom Max."
Max, am I gonna have to defend my father forever?
Probably, but don't worry, I'll be there to help.
Thank you.
'Cause it's a wife's job to defend her husband.
It makes me sad to think he's gonna be in prison for the rest of his life.
Don't think of it like that, he's not just in prison. He's in Africa working with UNICEF, he's in Haiti, he's water-skiing on Lake Rich Person, and he's on the desktop of my computer.
Sorry I'm late, I was having my nails done. It's the first time I stopped moving in two years, and I fell asleep.
You had money to get your nails done? Question: Was prostitution as disgusting as you thought it would be?
Han paid for it.
Oh, so it was worse.
I have exciting news. At the nail salon, I heard about this amazing seminar we should go to.
Oh, no, no, no. I went to a seminar once. I was almost married to 300 Koreans.
It's a branding seminar for business owners to define who they are and get them primed and ready for their window of opportunity.
I think I'd rather be married to 300 Koreans. Then I could get my nails done whenever I wanted.
Max, this is the real deal. The woman who runs it is a branding genius. She created the Nike "Just Do It."
Oh, that woman didn't make up "just do it." High school boyfriends have been using that for centuries.
CGCool guy
I've been out of town all summer. Anything new?
Anything new? Let's see, well... Facebook went public and Edward Snowden went private. Kim and Kanye had a baby, so now there's another Kardashian to not keep up with. Paula Deen is out, gay marriage is in, and a teacher in California's out for letting her students get it in. Justin Bieber got a hit-and-run, Chris Brown got a hit-and-run, Rihanna got hit and still didn't run. Oprah gave Lindsay $2 million, cunnilingus gave Michael Douglas throat cancer, and Michael Douglas gave guys everywhere another excuse not to do that. Egypt went crazy, Amanda Bynes went crazier, and the NSA checks our phones like a crazy ex-girlfriend. Oh, and Texas hates women, Florida hates blacks, and everybody hates everything with the exception of Angelina Jolie, who is totally awesome.
CGCool guy
I meant on the menu.
You're right, Max. You only live once. YOLO
And you only live till the next time you say "YOLO."
Kickstarter—that's the website where strangers give money for crap that no one in the real world would invest in, right?
KGKickstarter girl #1
Exactly, but our project isn't crap, it's bananas. We design candles with arms.
[mocking girl #1] I can't. I just can't.
KGKickstarter girl #2
Don't you have a passion project? Something you've always wanted to do?
KGKickstarter girl #1
Yeah, you can't just wanna be a waitress your whole life.
[chuckles] Actually... I do have a Kickstarter idea. I'd like to start kicking your asses!
[after being offered a new phone] Here, I'll just take this one.
CChiandra
Slow down, now. Take a look around. You got a whole world of possibilities. Pick 'em up, get a feel, hold it in your hand for a while.
Chiandra, it's a phone, not Bruno Mars. [picks up phone] Oh, "Texting is easy with the new finger-friendly keyboard." My fingers are already too friendly, ask my fourth-grade boyfriend.
Wow, these sample texts are getting kind of racy. "Bad news—I think the condom broke last night." Why would anyone put that on a display model?
CChiandra
[embarrassed] That's mine. I left it there by accident.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 2 Broke Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.