I have a surprise. I redecorated my room. I scoped out some cheap fabric in bedding places down on Houston Street. What do you think? [pulls down her Murphy bed]
I think you've made a vagina.
Sister, you may think that sex is the last thing on your mind, but you turned your bed into a vagina.
Do you think my vagina has curtains?
I don't know how long it's been.
I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
Okay, but I still have to make the cupcakes to bring by that place tomorrow. I don't wanna keep you awake, so why don't you sleep in my bed tonight and I'll pass out on your vagina?
Okay, but you better buy me breakfast in the morning.
SSerena
All right, let's go around and introduce ourselves and tell us why you came tonight. Let's start with the cute guys.
SSStephanie and Serena
Always!
SSteve
I'm Steve, I thought this would be a fun idea for my bachelor party. I'm getting married to Michael... right there.
SSerena
So cute. God bless!
M1Michael #1
And I'm Michael.
M2Michael #2
I'm Michael as well.
SStephanie
Oh... So many Michaels. [turns to Max] And you are?
Pick up. Table 10, table 12, table six...tee9.
Oleg, there is no table 69.
Oleg just sixty-nined me, and now I don't remember any of the table numbers.
Look, he's never gonna stop sixty-nining us. Forget the table numbers. Here's how you remember your orders. You just give people nicknames. Look, I got Thin Cee Lo, Fat Rihanna, Jon Beret Ramsey, and Kristen Bad Wig.
Oh, okay. I got Seth Rogaine, Child Molester Moustache, and Lesbian Justin Bieber.
[to Oleg and Han] What are you staring at? It's just clothes.
Max, you look like a lady. Tonight when I dream of having sex with you, as always, this time I will ask you to stay.
Max, you look perfect for your date.
No, it's not. It's booty call.
There is a fresh, white billboard. I'm climbing it with my friend, and we're putting up his artwork.
Booty call on billboard. If it's after 2:30, call is for the dirty.
What's that from? Dr. Seuss' Oh, the Places You'll Put It In?
You'll never guess who just came into the restaurant. You'll be very happy.
Gary, the fat guy from Teen Mom?
Someone you like, someone you want to kiss, someone you're hot for.
Tyler, the skinny guy from Teen Mom?
It'll be a miracle on 34th Street if we make it out of the bottom of this slave ship without elf scurvy.
MMary
Hi. I couldn't help but overhear you mention Miracle on 34th Street. That's my absolute favorite Christmas movie.
MMary
My second favorite is It's a Wonderful Life.
I've got Schindler's List on Blu-ray.
MMary
[turns to Max] Hi. I'm Mary.
It's cool, we don't need to talk.
Look, two parties of cool hipsters are sitting at tables near wall. [referring to a group of four hipsters sitting next to two homeless men]
You think those are six hipsters? Okay, let's go over this one more time. Hipster or homeless pop quiz, ready?
The voices in their head.
Beard and so much sadness. I see sadness, there and there.
I'll handle this. [walks toward the group of hipsters] I told you before, I don't want your kind in here. Take a trendy hike. Better step it up. The Apple Store closes at ten.
Max, why did you kick out the hipsters?
'Cause I could not be in the background of another Instagram photo.
Don't forget to pick up customer comment card. Customers very important. It's all about the fans.
Yeah, I'm not a fan of hearing what people have to say. For instance, what's happening right now—not a fan.
Max, feedback from customers is very important business tool. Perhaps we'll pump the brakes on sour waitress attitude.
There's only one tool that can change my 'tude, but I'm gonna need two AA batteries and a 20-minute break.
JJeffrey
[dissing Caroline] And so sorry to hear about your father being a criminal and you being penniless and all that ugliness. But it is kinda karma. You are where you are now, and I'm back on top.
Look, Jeffrey, I know we just met, but there's no way you're a top.
That little man disrespect me. He-He insult my food, my English, my "hyjane."
Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?
If I hug you, will you go back to work?
Two-second hug. I'm going in.
[Max and Oleg hug, Caroline comes into the kitchen]
[Max and Oleg pull away; Max's yellow shirt zipper is pulled down revealing her cleavage]
[Caroline points to Max's shirt revealing what had happened]
[to Oleg, in shock] Whoa! How did you do that? Your hands never left my back!
I am like David Blaine of zippers.
[annoyed] I was trying to cheer you up.
[Caroline is at the counter]
[Max walks in the apartment]
[Caroline gestures to the new stove; Max is shocked]
No way! The BlueStar in purple! What the-? How could you afford that? You sold your TAT?
Sold them all. Spent it on the oven, next-day delivery fee, and installation.
That woman gave you a better price?
No, she pulled a gun on me. So I went to every gold store in Brooklyn, leveraged their offers against each other, until I got enough to buy the BlueStar.
You didn't have to do that.
After what I did, there were no more words, only ovens. And our future means more to me than rings from my past. I told you; I'm in this for the long haul. And for the record, I hated lunch with those girls. I'd rather split a Kit-Kat in a bathroom with you any day.
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was staring at my new boyfriend over there. I wanna make out with it! [excitedly runs over to the new oven] Ha, ha. Mmm.
[kisses the oven, burning her lips in the process] Ow, hot.
[the oven dings]
[in amazement] There is not a ding!
There's a ding. My rings bought a ding. You wanna hug me, don't you?
Yes, I am. But if you unzip my shirt, I'm gonna be pissed! Impressed but pissed.
[Caroline and Max hug]
We just need to grab ten boxes of Duncan Hines cake mix and we're done.
Why would we need to do that?
Why do you think? To make the cupcakes.
I thought the cupcakes were homemade.
They are, I make them in my home.
You've been using a boxed cake mix?
Relax, I only use it when I'm tired. And I add a secret ingredient of my own to the mix that makes them irresistible.
So you have no shame using the store-bought mix?
I've no shame about anything. Shame is overrated like Ke$ha. In fact, they should rename shame "keshame." "I just bought a Ke$ha album, I'm so keshamed."
