Lines by Paul 5
PPaul
Well, I guess now it's time, JR, that you want the truth! So, JR, tonight, I'm gonna give you the whole damn truth! I have been sitting, I have been sitting like a damn corporate sellout next to that damn pig! And I have been talking, I have been talking about WWF vs. WCW. I have been spilling my guts about this invasion. And it seems to me like everybody has forgotten the Tribe of Extreme. It seems to me like these men were too extreme for WWF vs. WCW. It seems to me that [pointing to Mike Awesome and Lance Storm] this man and this man have left Shane McMahon's WCW. It looks to me that these six men have left Vince McMahon's WWF. It looks to me like they all have joined [joined by the crowd] E... C... W!
So Vince or Shane, anytime you guys want revenge, we'll take on the WWF, we'll take on WCW! We're not hard to find because this Invasion just got taken to the Extreme!
PPaul
[to Triple H] Mr. COO, you...you know how much respect I have for you, sir. I...I hate to point out the obvious, but "Plan A" just...just isn't working with Randy Orton, not while Roman Reigns is around. And...I mean, "Plan B," I like "Plan B," Seth Rollins is great, but every time Seth Rollins is gonna try to cash in that Money in the Bank briefcase, Dean Ambrose is going to stop him. Which is why, Triple H, I think the Authority has the uncomfortable decision right now to agree with me that you need to make the dangerous choice of implementing "Plan C."
PPaul
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client, BROCK LESNAR conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania! Which is why, at this moment, my client hereby officially announces his intention to conquer John Cena and take the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam. Now, my client officially acknowledges this divide that permeates through the WWE Universe. There are those who wear their green t-shirts and their pump-up sneakers, and they scream with great passion their love and adulation for their hero by saying at the top of their lungs, "let's go, Cena!" And there are those who offer the contrarian opinion, and whose mommies don't tuck them into bed at night, and they will say with great fervor and passion, "Cena sucks!"
Now, it doesn't matter to my client which side of the fence you want to ride on. This malpracticing "Doctor of Thuganomics" is in for the beating of a lifetime. I don't just stand out here and spew hype and hyperbole; I exploit historical facts to shove my points down your throats. To wit: I offer you what happened the last time my client, Brock Lesnar, zeroed in on someone and decided to give them a beating.
[Shows footage of Brock Lesnar defeating the Undertaker at WrestleMania]
You know, for years, everybody said, "I want to be the one to beat the Undertaker and snap the Streak." But that wasn't good enough for Brock Lesnar. At WrestleMania, my client, Brock Lesnar, gave such a violent beating to the Undertaker that Vince McMahon had to ride in the ambulance to the hospital with the Undertaker because even our heartless chairman was concerned for a dead man's well being and life.
Oh, John Cena? That same beating awaits you. And please don't confuse my client with some stereotypical villain that comes out here and say, "John, you can escape this beating by giving up your title and laying it down at my feet." Brock Lesnar makes you no such offer. John Cena, you can't escape this beating.
At SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will take John Cena down! Brock Lesnar will punch John Cena's face in! John Cena, you are going to be hurt by Brock Lesnar! Brock Lesnar is going to injure John Cena! Brock Lesnar is going to mangle John Cena! And then, and only then, Brock Lesnar is going to F-5 John Cena and strip John Cena of the dignity of being the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, the same way Brock Lesnar stripped the Undertaker of his dignity and exposed the Streak as just being a myth; the same myth that Brock Lesnar hears every week on television when John Cena is referred to as being the greatest WWE champion of all time. Fifteen World Titles in 10 years. Now that sounds like something worth conquering.
I pledge allegiance to the greatness of the conquerer who stands before me, and to his dominance, for which I stand, one Cenation, under John, now divisible, with no more hustle, loyalty, or respect for all!
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1, and at SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will beat John Cena and become the WWE Heavyweight Champion of the world!
PPaul
He's a 15-time Champ, and he likes to have his fun.
But not at your expense, so let us school you, son.
No, we're not from West Newbury; no we can't hip hop like you.
My client is The Conqueror, I'm just Brock's advocating Jew.
You see, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client is The Beast,
And on the 17th of August, on your title, he shall feast.
You don't like Paul Heyman guys, you think their attitude's too smug.
You gonna beat Brock's ass, 'cause you the doctor of the thugs?
I mean, you've beaten all the best, but now Lesnar's on your plate.
You say your time is now. Brock says your calendar's out-of-date.
So here's some free advice, with SummerSlam drawing near,
Get it out your damn system when you say, "the champ is here."
Because we're six days away from the West Coast's biggest arena
Where my client, Brock Lesnar, will conquer John Cena.
PPaul
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I am the advocate for the most non-PG ass-kicker of the PG era, BROCK LESNAR! So let's talk about it, let's get it out of the way. What happened last night at WrestleMania? My client, as we told you he would do, laid a beating on a Samoan badass the likes of which no one had ever seen before at WrestleMania. My client took his hands, put them on the #1 challenger for the World Title and did nothing but suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex him right through the canvas! [The crowd chants, "Suplex City!" which draws a laugh from Brock] Or, as my client Brock Lesnar said, "Suplex City, bitch!"
So now, Brock Lesnar is bitch-slapping Roman Reigns all over the ring, and what happens? What happens? This Samoan, this Samoan whose predecessors were eating human flesh, was sitting there eating the pain and liking the taste and smiling at Brock Lesnar and saying, "I'm gonna bring the same right back to you!" I will not spend my time tonight singing Roman Reigns's [sic] praises. I will tell you he can sink or swim on his own from here, but my client almost respects Roman Reigns. Kid, you still got a ways to go.
So then, Brock Lesnar got bored. Brock Lesnar was hungry. He wanted to go out for dinner. And Brock Lesnar says, "good night, everybody," picks Roman Reigns up on his shoulders, F-5!...And here comes slimy, disgusting, little Seth Rollins, who cashes in Money in the Bank, makes it a triple threat, Curb Stomps everyone in sight, and scores a pinfall on the challenger, not the champion, and scurries away the most undeserving WWE Champion of anybody's lifetime. [aside to Brock] I got this.
You all know my father was a prominent New York attorney, and I have apprised my client of his legal rights, that I can go to Sacramento, get an immediate injunction at the 7th Circuit Court [sic], I can have the decision reversed, Seth Rollins will no longer be the winner, I will tie WWE up in litigation for the next three or four months, have the title held up. Unfortunately for me, my client Brock Lesnar thinks all lawyers are scumbags, and Brock Lesnar will not file an injunction, will not go to the 7th Circuit Court, does not want to tie up WWE in litigation; my client Brock Lesnar wants to invoke his rematch clause! And ladies and gentlemen, I have been authorized to tell you, that rematch will not happen at SummerSlam, will not happen at next year's WrestleMania, will not happen at Extreme Rules, will not happen at Payback! That rematch clause is being invoked right here, right now, tonight!
Scenes with Paul 5
[During the Kane/Chris Jericho vs. Lance Storm/Mike Awesome.]
Jericho's got the Walls! [Rob Van Dam and Tommy Dreamer enter from the crowd and attack Kane and Jericho, with Storm and Awesome joining in] Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? Hey, that's Rob Van Dam and Tommy Dreamer! They're former ECW guys!
What the hell are they doing here? There's security; get these guys outta here! What the... what is this?! The 4-on-2, this... there's two WCW guys... Paul, what the hell is this about?
PPaul
You tell me. It's Rob Van Dam! RVD!
Well, business is picking up here! Here comes the WWF backup! [Tazz, Raven, Rhyno, Justin Credible, and the Dudley Boyz enter the ringing facing off against RVD, Dreamer, Storm, and Awesome] And now business will change! The WWF guys are here!
PPaul
[pause] Yes, they are.
The ring is full of WWF spirit!
PPaul
[as the six turn around towards Kane and Jericho] WOO! Feel it, JR! Feel this moment for the rest of your life! Feel it.
[All ten attack Kane and Jericho]
Wait, what is this? What the hell is this?! My God, I don't believe this! It's 10 or 12-on-2! Why are the Dudleys, why are Tazz [sic] beating up their own teammates of the WWF?! And what are Tommy Dreamer and Rob Van Dam even doing here?! What the hell is this about?! What is this about?! Kane and Jericho are being decimated!
PPaul
Spicolli Driver by Tommy Dreamer!
Paul, what in the hell is this about?! Kane... oh, come on! Kane being held by... what are these?
[Dreamer holds a chair in front of Kane's head, RVD delivers a spinning heel kick, better known as...]
PPaul
Oh, my God, it's the Van Daminator!
"Van Damin..."? Damn it, Paul, what the hell is this about?!
PPaul
You want to know what this is about?!
PPaul
I guess you want answers!
I damn sure want answers!
PPaul
You want answers?! Well, I say you finally deserve, JR, a damn answer!
[after Vince McMahon knocks down his son, Shane, with a trash can]: Can Vince make the cover? [suddenly Alliance members Booker T and Test come out to the ring to attack Vince] Wait a minute, there's...there's that damn Booker T and Test! Those bastards! [The Undertaker and Kane then arrive to even the odds] And Undertaker and Kane! Undertaker and Kane!
But whose side are they on?
JJim
They're not on Test and Booker T's side, that's for damn sure! Kane...on the outside, [Kane and Test knock each other down with kicks to the face] and both Kane and Test are down! The Undertaker, looking for a...spinaroonie, a little ride...[Undertaker gives Booker T a Last Ride] ...a Last Ride! [William Regal then comes out and gives The Undertaker a low blow from behind] But there's - oh! - Alliance commissioner William Regal with a low blow! Coming from behind The Undertaker, [Regal then hits the Regal Cutter on The Undertaker] and Regal, taking The Undertaker down, and perhaps out of this equation. [the crowd cheers loudly as suddenly The Rock comes out to the ring and attacks Regal] And there's The Rock!
PPaul
But whose side is he on?!
JJim
Team WWF! And The Rock, laying the smack down on Regal! [The Rock then gives Regal a Rock Bottom] And the Rock Bottom! The Rock Bottom! [out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin] Oh God! There's Austin!
PPaul
I know what side he's on! It's Stone Cold, [Austin gives The Rock a Stone Cold Stunner] punishing The Rock!
JJim
Austin with a Stunner on The Rock!
PPaul
Austin just stunned The Rock!
[now Kurt Angle comes out, with a steel chair in hand]
JJim
And here comes Kurt Angle!
PPaul
Whose side is HE on?!
JJim
[as Angle looks like he is about to hit Austin with the chair] Kurt Angle, the steel chair! Tear his head - [Chris Jericho runs into the ring, and Angle suddenly turns around and hits Jericho in the head with the chair instead] Oh no! Angle just nailed - Kurt Angle just hit Chris Jericho with the, right in the face with that steel chair! [The Rock gets back up from the Stunner, only for Angle to hit him in the head with the chair as well] Oh my God! My God, what is this?! [Angle then hits the Undertaker with the chair] Oh my God, don't tell me! [Kane gets back in the ring and Angle hits him with the chair as well] No! No! Kurt Angle! No!
PPaul
It's Kurt Angle! Kurt Angle, has joined the Alliance!
JJim
My God, it can't be!
PPaul
It is! It's true! It's true!
[Austin stands Vince up and hits him with a Stone Cold Stunner]
JJim
Oh! Austin - got the Stunner on McMahon, who couldn't even stand to start with!
PPaul
Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance, it's true, it's true!
JJim
[as Austin puts Shane on top of Vince]: Oh no! That son of a - [as the referee successfully counts to three] No! No, dammit! [the bell rings] Oh, God! What has Kurt Angle done?
Here's your winner, Shane McMahon!
PPaul
Shane McMahon has beaten his own father!
JJim
[as Shane and Austin embrace and then celebrate in the ring with Angle]: Shane McMahon may have beat his father physically; he may have also just beat his father at his own game! For the love of God, Shane McMahon has coerced Kurt Angle to join the Alliance!
PPaul
Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance! It's true! It's damn true!
JJim
Kurt Angle with an assault with a steel chair! Team WWF has gone to hell! My God, Kurt Angle has screwed us all and joined the damned Alliance!
[on the Chicago crowd chanting "CM PUNK!"] I believe he deserves louder than that!
FFans
[chanting] CM PUNK!
[Paul sits in the middle of the ring]
PPaul
I came here tonight to tell the story of a Paul Heyman guy. A Paul Heyman guy that was never truly wanted in WWE; a Paul Heyman guy that they thought was too small to main-event WrestleMania; a Paul Heyman guy that didn't have the right corporate look; a Paul Heyman guy that had too many tattoos; a Paul Heyman guy that would rebel against the current system, against the authority, against the first family to such a degree that they didn't want him in WWE from day one, and they don't want him in WWE right now. I came here tonight to tell you the story of a Paul Heyman guy that had the balls to say what nobody else had the balls to say. I came here tonight to tell you about a Paul Heyman guy that was born in, raised in and still lives in Chicago. My name is Paul Heyman, and, ladies and gentlemen, this is my pipe bomb about CM Punk...who is not here this evening.
And here's the biggest part of my pipe bomb. [crowd chants louder] Hey, if you're looking for me to disagree with you, I'm sorry, I don't. No one is more disappointed that he can't see CM Punk perform in this ring tonight than I am. No one. Because if CM Punk were here tonight, he would be doing exactly what he always claimed to do, he would be proving his detractors wrong and he would be showing the entire WWE Universe that he is the best in the world.
So what really happened? Why isn't CM Punk here tonight? Why won't anyone talk about CM Punk any more? Because there is a finger to point around here, there is someone to blame, there is someone to hold accountable why CM Punk just wouldn't just wouldn't put up with it anymore. And ladies and gentlemen, there comes a time where you have to risk your own job security and point that finger of blame; and tonight, in this very ring, I point the blame for the fact that CM Punk is not here tonight, I point that finger at each and every single one of you!
Oh, you can boo me all you want. The truth hurts, doesn't it? This is why I've always found it so much easier in life to lie. People accept lies so much easier, but the truth does sting just a little bit, doesn't it? The fact is, when CM Punk was with me, CM Punk was the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past twenty-five years. I provided CM Punk the bosom from which his soul could be nourished. And then, then, you took him away from me. You made CM Punk your hero, you said you would give CM Punk your love, your affection, your respect, your affirmation. And how far did it get you? You didn't just take CM Punk away from me, you took CM Punk away from yourselves.
I don't just blame each and every single one of you, I blame someone else as well: I blame the Undertaker. Because this entire downward spiral began when we couldn't beat the Streak at last year's WrestleMania. And if anyone wants to carry a message to the Undertaker, carry this: Paul Heyman wants revenge. So how do you get revenge against the Undertaker? How do you kill what's already dead? The fact is, I want to see the Streak taken away from the Undertaker. And there's only one man on the face of the planet that can do it. I want that Streak beaten, I want the Undertaker stripped of the streak, I want the streak conquered. And there's only one man that can conquer that Streak, [Paul stands up] and he's my best friend in the world. He is the conqueror, he is the beast incarnate, Brock Lesnar!
PPaul
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1. I serve as the advocate for Brock Lesnar, who conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania. I am also pleased and proud to represent...
CCesaro
Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, you can't talk to those people in English. They're French Canadians. But they don't speak French. No, they speak Quebecois. The French can't stand them, neither can the rest of Canada, et tout le monde sait que les Québécois sont pourris.
Let me explain something to you. See this right here? [Points to the WWE Universal Championship] This is my life, Lesnar. Yeah, I see that. Shut your mouth. This is my life, this is what I work for every single day, what I sacrifice for every single day, and you come out here and you make a mockery out of it. And not because you walk out here with your stupid little beat box. No. You make a mockery out of it because you are a joke. Yeah. That's not the joke, you're the joke, and I'm not afraid of you. I stomped your head into the mat at WrestleMania, and I can do it again right here, right now.
Yeah, you used to be the most feared man in combat sports history, and look at you. You're a coward hiding behind Paul Heyman. The shell of what you used to be. You want a chance to prove me wrong, Lesnar? [Points to the Money in the Bank briefcase] There's your chance. There's your chance, Lesnar. Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in!
[referring to the Money in the Bank contract] Mr. Cone, page 8, paragraph 27, section B: "the parties mutually agree that the winner of the 2019 Money in the Bank contract, in his sole discretion"—that's Brock Lesnar—"picks the time and the place to challenge for either the WWE or Universal Heavyweight Championship. The aforementioned challenge shall take place at any time, with no notice, to either champion, on or by the expiration of this agreement, one year after 2019 Money in the Bank pay-per-view event. Therefore, before May 19, 2020, said challenger Brock Lesnar..."
[Brock cups the mic, stopping Paul's recitation. He looks at the contract.]
PPaul
A year! [Pissed, Brock smacks Paul with the contract] Didn't you know?!
BBrock
No, I didn't know!
PPaul
How could you not know?! You have to make a decision!
BBrock
[to Seth] I got a whole year! And I gotta make a decision now? Seth Rollins, screw...you.
WWE Raw · 371 quotes
