WKRP in Cincinnati Season 3 quotes

Les

Travis, the very first day you came to this station you promised to get me a helicopter.

Andy

I know I did, Les, but that was a long time ago and I was lying.

Les

Everybody around here thinks I'm crazy! Fortunately, you know better than that.

Jennifer

[silence]

Les

Fortunately, you know better than that.

Herb

Unless someone comes out here right now and helps me with this piano, I'm never ever going to speak to any of you again for as long as I live!

Les

[about Jennifer's house] My great aunt Eureka Nessman lived in a house very like this once, all alone. She had a little parakeet and she used to let it fly free throughout the house.

Jennifer

Really?

Les

Then she bought another parakeet, and another, and more and more until finally there were thousands of parakeets. And the mess they made was beyond belief. Aunt Eureka had gone insane of course, living all alone in a house very much like this one.

We only allow the children to watch wholesome, family entertainment.

Like what?

Well, the Little House on the Prairie. Now that's a fine, wholesome show. It's about blind children out west, and every week they have a fire, or someone gets an incurable disease. We enjoy it very much.

Johnny

In the first place, Herb's name isn't Tarlek, it's Nietzsche. He's directly related to the famous nihilist philosopher. See, he came to America to prove through the use of polyester that God is dead, and I think he's succeeded admirably, don't you?

Where'd you get a jacket like that? I mean, do they sell them somewhere?

Herb

Of course, they sell them somewhere.

Where?

Herb

Yeah. I tell you, you tell somebody else, pretty soon the whole world is dressing like me.

Johnny

[singing Peggy Sue by Buddy Holly with a hospital mask on his face until he notices Venus entering the room] Hi.

Venus

Hi.

Johnny

How's it goin', Trap?

Venus

I'm lost.

Johnny

So am I, but I don't care.

Les

And so, in summary, this German piggy went to the common market. This Chinese piggy stayed home. This Soviet piggy had turkey. Our American piggy had none. This is Les Nessman saying wee wee wee all the way home.

I know what you're thinking, Herb. You're thinking God didn't make me this way. Well, God didn't make polyester either. You know what I'm saying, Herb?

Herb

I know what you're saying, I have no idea what it means.

Jennifer

So there we are standing at my front door, and he says, "Jennifer, some women would feel obligated after flying to New Orleans on a private jet and a moonlight dinner on a Mississippi riverboat, but I prefer a challenge. Someone who's interested in me, and not my money."

Bailey

What'd you do?

Jennifer

Well, I wished him luck, kissed him on his bald spot and wheeled him to his car.

Johnny

You used to be a good disk jockey, man. 'Course, that was when you were black.

Venus

You want to be Acting Program Director? You want to argue about something you don't care about with someone you agree with?

Johnny

Do you understand what you just said?

Venus

Not a word.

Bailey runs a television station in Chicago. Travis is breeding guard dogs in New Mexico. Venus owns a clothing company called "Upwardly Mobile." Jennifer married and bought herself an entire island off the coast of Sardinia. Les Nessman? The Republican whip of the United States Senate!

What about you and me? Fever and me?

Well, Fever just sort of ... disappeared. There were rumors, of course, but really not much else.

And me? No no, don't tell me, I don't want to know. I'm dead, aren't I?

I can't wake up...

I know.

Scrooge could wake up!

Scrooge didn't eat one of Johnny's brownies.

Andy

Heat, there's no heat!

Johnny

No kidding there's no heat! It's because Mr. Carlson's mother is here. She walks in, everything freezes. She is the Ice Queen! She has powers beyond any mortal woman!