Wilfred quotes from Wilfred

Ryan

I really think I'm gonna be alright.

Wilfred

Of course you are. I'm not going anywhere.

You convinced me to make out with my own father.

Wilfred

Everybody at the party loved it. They thought it was edgy.

Ryan

Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean we can't still be friends.

Wilfred

Friends? What, you thought we were actually...[laughs] That is hilarious. And a little embarrassing for you, because I never really saw us like that.

How much for this piece of shit flatscreen TV?

Wilfred

You're selling the TV? That's the cornerstone of our friendship!

Wilfred pooped on your lawn.

Wilfred

There is symbolism in that poop Ryan...and some grass...and half a slipper.

Ryan

Why not?

Ryan

Yes. Is this a joke?

Wilfred

It's not. Ryan, remember the night before we met, the pills you took?

Ryan

Yes.

Wilfred

They worked mate.

Wilfred

I'm sorry Ryan. They worked. Must have noticed things here are, different. Shit's a little off. Right?

Wilfred

No. You're somewhere in between. Your future depends on the outcome of that settlement, meeting, tomorrow. If Jenna gets her job back, you get to move on.

Ryan

So none of this is really happening?

Wilfred

Everything on the island is real, the rest is an illusion.

Wilfred

Ah, forget that last bit.

Wilfred

Shh. Smoke monster!

Ryan

I've seen Lost, Wilfred.

Wilfred

What did you think of the ending?

Wilfred

Come on, Ryan. These are big existential questions, best left for boring Russian novelist and teenagers on acid. Real people don't think about this shit.

Wilfred

Very clever, Ryan.

Ryan

Figured out my plan, didn't you?

Wilfred

No. But if you think I'm just going to stand by and watch you...

Ryan

This is nothing compared to some of the shit you've pulled.

Wilfred

Yeah, but you're not me! You're a good person! And you're a person!

Wilfred

Ignorance is 9/10 of the law.

Ryan

That's possession.

Wilfred

She wasn't charged with possession Ryan. I thought you were a good lawyer.

Wilfred

Do you know why dogs dig?

Ryan

Because they're searching for bones?

Wilfred

Because we're searching for truth.

Ryan

Drew says that it helps you achieve maximum core rippage.

Wilfred

That's just the kinda rippage I need.

Ryan

Was he pissed off about something?

Wilfred

Drew drives hard. Dude's confident behind the wheel.

Tomorrow. Possible?

Wilfred

You, not being a d**k. Possible?

Ryan

I'm the worst brother ever.

Wilfred

Worst brother ever? Did you ever convince the other siblings in your litter to eat your own sister because she was born with no eyes? Cause I did that.

Wilfred

There's a war out there, Ryan, a war between dogs and babies...and you brought it to our door step.

Ryan

You're at war with babies? Over what?

Wilfred

Why do any great civilizations go to war? To see who's cutest.

Ryan

Read a book or something

Wilfred

A book? Yeah right. Maybe if it had pictures...that moved...and sound...and Matt Damon in it...and in the middle of the movie Matt Damon'd be like (makes gun noises)...now there's a book I'd like to read.