Wilfred quotes from Wilfred

Ryan

Why don't you ask your best friend Dennis?

Wilfred

Ryan, I have a confession to make. Dennis will be out of town this weekend also.

Ryan

We decided to leave and start our own boutique law firm together.

Wilfred

Boutique? So you'd represent jewelry and effeminate trinkets and such?

Wilfred

Ryan, do you have any more rice?

Ryan

How much do you need?

Wilfred

100 pounds should do it.

Wilfred

Mexico? You know they eat dogs down there?

Ryan

They do not.

Wilfred

What, you don't think Mexico City has a Korea Town?

Ryan

I'm returning the cats. There's no reason to keep them.

Wilfred

Dude, I was literally just about to kill them.

Ryan

Maybe there will be a feel good ending, like all the cats are found safe.

Wilfred

Or sex-butchered by a psychopath.

Ryan

Wilfred, these are pets. People will be looking for them.

Wilfred

They're cats Ryan. No one cares.

Wilfred

Do you remember the scratch on my face, Ryan?

Ryan

The one that's still there? Yes.

Ryan

We need to get to a hospital.

Wilfred

Come on Ryan, Bear doesn't have insurance.

Ryan

Are you telling me you've never smelled another dog on Jenna's hands?

Wilfred

Well yeah but that's just from her pushing other dogs away.

Wilfred

You're not crazier than anybody else.

Ryan

Said the dog to the man.

Ryan

Whoever lives in Sacramento probably owned you as a puppy, which means we can prove you were actually born. Therefore, I'm crazy.

Wilfred

If you really think you're crazy, then why do you feel the need to prove it to me?

Ryan

Maybe you're the part of my brain that's so crazy it wouldn't allow me to accept that I'm crazy.

Wilfred

Ugh, you're so crazy.

Wilfred

You and Jenna had sex, I know. I can smell her all over you.

Ryan

Are you okay with that?

Wilfred

Just tell me one thing. Did it happen before or after you found out I was dying?

Ryan

So you know.

Wilfred

I was pretty sure. Just had a feeling.

Ryan

Wilfred, I'm so sorry.

Wilfred

Just answer my question. Before or after?

Ryan

Well, after, but it's not how it sounds. We were just so upset about you, and we... It just happened. Please don't be mad.

Wilfred

[laughing] "Mad"? I'm not mad.

Ryan

I don't understand.

Wilfred

I've brought you and Jenna together. I led you to happiness. Don't you see? This proves it. Now I know for sure. I am a god.