I'm starting to re-think this little field trip. Just tell me what your plan is.
We go into that compound, find Agent MacGuffin, snag the list, then un-alive Taskmaster and his acolytes, capiche?
Yeah. Yeah, here's the thing: I can't really say the "K-word" out loud, it's a weird mental tick. [chuckles] But we're gonna destroy them, make them disappear, sleep them with the fishes - we'll "K-word" them!
"K-word"? You mean you want to kill them?!
Whoa, yeah, that does sound bad when you say it out loud. And yes, we're going to un-alive them!
We can't un-alive them. We can't un-alive anyone. Deadpool!
Boy, you got a short fuse.
TSTaskmaster's henchmen
Run!
Break-dancing! What's your hang-up, Webs? See how I did that? Webs, then hanging.
Yeah, I saw what you did. You tried to blow those guys up.
Ugh! Guilt over a little spilt guts. Used to be the same. Bet you have a little angel on your shoulder telling you un-aliving someone is bad.
DDDevil-Deadpool
Psst, that's S.H.I.E.L.D. brainwashing 101. You wanna earn the big bucks ditch the rules for once.
Your not a freelance hero. You're a mercenary. You'll do anything for money. Well, forget it.
Okay, prince goody two webs. That's cool. Righteous. But the bad guys ain't gonna return the favor.
Eh, whatevs. You know I gotta healing factor that makes Wolverine go like "I wish I had Deadpool's healing factor bub". It's all in my origin story. "Once a nerdy little kid fell into a radioactive swimming pool and he emerged with incredible powers."
Spider-Man. Nice of you to finally visit my school. But unfortunately I'm no longer accepting any more applicants.
We come for the list of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, Taskmaster. And for Agent MacGuffin.
Boogity-boo! (Maniacal laughter) Did you miss me?
You! You're out of your mind to come here. I will destroy you.
Dude! How? Taskmaster can copy your moves just by watching you fight!
Maybe your moves, binky. Check it! How do ya like this. I'm gonna get ya, I'm gonna get ya. Oh what I tell ya, Oh what I tell ya. Oh shaking my milkshake. Oh yeah. Open up wide taski.
You know sometimes you are just no fun.
We'll discuss our definitions of fun later. Let's get the S.H.I.E.L.D. drive out of here before anyone's secret identity gets revealed.
Oh wait, wait. I wanna watch this one.
Oh, come on. I though we bonded. Wait, let me guess. You're Aaron Applebaum, Aaron Aston, Aaron Atwater!
Are you just keep on yelling names from A-Z until you guess?
I’m gonna call S.H.I.E.L.D. so they can pick up the file and Taskmaster.
Hey! What’d you do that for?
Oh, Spider-Man. If you’d studied with me instead of Fury you might not be so naive. Who do you think I stole the identity list from in the first place?
Heh. Confession time. Yeah, it was me.
And there is no Agent MacGuffin. [laughs] And also I stole the list from S.H.I.E.L.D., but Taskmaster swiped it from me when I left my pouches in the potty.
Dude, couldn’t help it. I had Indian food. My legs went numb I was in there so long.
[laughs] To sell it, silly, ca-ching! I tell you what, ditch Fury and I’ll cut you in for 10%. We’ll be a team. But I get top billing. So, we’re gonna fight, then?
Seriously? I hate you, Deadpool.
You can’t just do whatever you want without the consequences. That’s how people get hurt.
Ugh, come on, you sound just like Fury. Except not as cool. It’ll help you if I pop out your eye.
You’re good... for a total psycho.
[laughs] Oh goody, oh, it’s the insult game, okay. They should call you “elevator operator”. 'Cause you’re bringing me down. Or “tonsils”. 'Cause you’re a pain in the neck. Ba-boosh!
Lame. Next you’ll be telling me to “go soak my head”.
Ah, what a swellegant idea. But it’ll look a lot funnier in my imagination.
Stop doing that. You can’t attack me with puns.
Puns and bullets and pointy things. Yes I can. I’m running the show now. And this is just the tip of the spear.
This fight is getting fishy.
Smooth moves, but I gotta give you the hook.
You can’t just string this along.
Arr, fancy meeting you here, me wee squiggly spider. Fun house!
More like a mad house. You’re getting a kick out of this, aren’t you?
Don’t you ever take anything seriously? Your S.H.I.E.L.D. training? Fury’s rules? Responsibilities?
Forget S.H.I.E.L.D. Forget Rules. Forget that these shiny sticks are swords and hop right on.
There’s one rule I’ll never forget. I’m throwing the book at you.
Oh, See I knew you had a pouch. Copycat!
BBook
With great power, comes great responsibility.
Ugh, that’s not very clever. Or funny...
Morality, ha! You know, we don’t all have the luxury of morals. Have I told you my origin story?
Like a billion times, now. How about telling me the truth?
You can’t handle the truth.
Fine. So once there was a kid, a weird, special kid. And his life was a toilet. Maybe somebody treated him badly. Maybe he got hurt by bad people. So maybe Fury’s hero-school was the boost he needed. And for a while the kid bought what Fury was selling. Until he realized it was more fun to laugh at the pain. To hurt those who hurt you, times a thousand. Forget it! You wouldn’t understand.
Actually I do. If things had gone a little bit differently, I could have been just like Deadpool.
Okay, so I’m gonna call this one, Bugs. You beat me fair and square, making me feel emotions and stuff. So I’m gonna go home and cry myself to sleep on my bed made of money.
Hang on. You’re coming back to S.H.I.E.L.D. too. You have to face Fury.
“You have to face Fury.” [laughs] You’re hilarious. Smell ya’ later, sucker. Bye, Spider-Man. Ouch, my butt’s burning!
(stares at 2099 Spider-Man in disbelief) Whoa, awesome! You're Spider-Man, but you're... Who are you? Are you me? And what's up with the costume? Is that a metallic fiber?
2S2099 Spider-Man
(grabs Spider-Man of Earth-12041's hand and throws him to a wall) So what's it this time? Another android or clone impostor?!
Android? Clone? Eww. (he gets up) And I'm not an impostor, I'm the real th--- (his mouth gets webbed shut)
2S2099 Spider-Man
I'm about to quit this gig, so congratulations(!) You get to be one of my last catchers. (he turns to go)
(removes web from his mouth) Wait!! You have to listen to me! You're in danger! (he shoots a web at 2099 Spider-Man's back. 2099 Spider-Man stops walking, turns around, pulls the web and punches our Spider-Man in the face.) Great! Now I'M in danger(!)
(to the camera) I'm Spider-Man, and at the moment, I'm slip-slidin' through a trans-dimensional wormhole. Eh! Safer than a New York taxi! My archenemy, the Goblin, is world-hopping, collecting DNA from every Spider-Man he can find. Don't know for what reason, but it can't be good. And these other worlds I've been... well, let's just say some of the other worlds are weird and some of the other worlds are wrong. Some of 'em are both weird AND wrong! One new world, dead ahead.
NSNoir Spider-Man
(after Spider-Man of Earth-12041 saves him) I dunno know how you pulled that off, but... (he looks at Spider-Man of Earth-12041's costume)... why're you dressed like that? What're you? Some kinda circus clown(?)
My pal, Nova, might say "yes", but I'm here to help you stop that maniac. He's an enemy of mine called the Goblin.
NSNoir Spider-Man
(rudely) I work alone. (he swings away)
(annoyed) Nice to meet you, too, sunshine!
