Tracey Takes On... Season 1 quotes

[Singing a parody of the song "It Was a Very Good Year"] When I was seventeen, I was really twenty-two.

I have very smart girls. They all know that the most erotic part of a woman is about the neck. It's the brain. But the pussy comes in a very strong second. Oh, yes.

So, what brings you to Abizi?

Well, I've been invited by the sultan. I'm to host a TV special.

Me too!

Oh! We must be co-hosting. You're not planning on wearing a silver pant suit are you?

Not in years.

[Relieved] That's a good thing.

I think that these books on tape are just wonderful. I mean it's such a great opportunity for the blind to enjoy one of life's simple pleasures.

Oh, but they're not just for the blind Miss Granger.

Oh, I didn't mean to leave out the deaf.

I had almost given up hope of ever finding anyone who might understand me. You know, somebody who wouldn't mind the occasional filthy hose accidentally left in the tub.

Oh, Gil, it's like you're reading aloud from my diary, it's...

Shut up!

Okay, fella, take it easy. You shoot me, you're gonna be driving around with no driver. It's like that Herbie the Lovebug. That was a cute picture.

Aw, missed him!

Listen, Joe McCarthy was a great American afraid of nothing except walking me down the isle.

You were romantically involved with him?

Oh, yeah. Joe and I indulged in some very un-American activities together from sea to shining sea. Hell, he was the first man I did it with in a blimp!

Ferny, isle four, top shelf.

The ass section?

Exactly.

Remember when those design people had us staying late to watch that video, got us all hyped up about how we was gonna be taking passengers into the 21st century? Shit, we can't even take them to the Sunglass Hut! Cause that people mover's not moving nobody's ass!

Again?

Again. It's that bitch with them flip-flops.

And those new automatic toilets, they sounded good on paper but in reality I don't want no goddamn sewer system telling me when to flush!

I know that's right!

I made a false move this morning and my ass got hosed good.

You had the wet ass?

I had the wet ass.

We're here! We're queer! We're really mad that Linda's not in the movie! Get used to it!

You all remember me?! Yeah? That's right, I'm the girl that you tripped in the cafeteria. Yes, I'm the one that you humiliated in gym class. I'm the one, remember, that you stuffed in the trunk of the Camaro and tried to sell to Indonesian slave traders to raise money for the new cheerleader costumes, right? Yeah, it's me! I'm back! And I'm here to right some wrongs.

You know the funny thing is I always hated dancing, especially at school. Those awful end of term discos, the sixth form gyrating about to Gerry and the Pacemakers.

Hey, that dates you. They're probably all wearing pacemakers now.

Anyway, Johnny and Marigold, my teachers, they say that I have some sort of natural bent.

I'm not going to comment on that.

Thank you.

Bulldinky, they interrupted the Barnaby Jones marathon for all this hooey? [Ruby clicks through random channels] Oh, goddamnit, it's on every channel! And I ain't falling for this again. I learned my lesson back in '38 when Orson Welles pulled this same stunt with his War of the Worlds radio show. I was applying eyeliner to Miss Hedy LaMarr at the time for a cute little picture called Algiers. She's a pretty thing, part Gypsy. Anyhoo, when that show came on the radio, Hedy and I we ran outside and we dived under the makeup trailer and we lay there with our kissers in the dirt for six hours. Hedy was so mad when she found out it was a hoax, she put a Gypsy curse on Orson, which is why he got so fat.

[Licking her fingers] Mmm, the cherry cheese, mmm like having an orgasm!

Who remembers?