Tracey Takes On... quotes

Oh, you know I don't know if I could stand being knocked down a second time, Dean. I got osteoporosis. I could shatter a hip having sex with a frog!

Looking back, I was kind of flattered that a young buck like you got all charged up over an old broad like me. I mean you may be hairy with four legs but I've had worse, let me tell ya. I'm not mentioning any names, but his initials were Cornel Wilde.

I have taken charge of my children's education. The patriot home school may be small but we have lots of school spirit. Our team name is The Caucasians, Onward Christian Soldiers" is our school song, and our school colors are white and white. Now if they went to Helmsburg Elementary they'd be exposed to multicultural programs like Holocaust Awareness Day, African-American Culture Week, Cinco De Mayo, and the Civil War. I teach subjects that will be useful to them in their daily lives like reading, writing, arithmetic, marksmanship, and taxidermy. And I'm sure they're all going to get into the Home Patriot College. Yay, team! Yay!

Culture? You know what I like cultured? My pearls. My parents bought me my first strand from my Uncle Ben, the jeweler and mohel side of the family. They're known for their delicate hands. Anyway, my mother went crazy when she saw an identical strand, same length, same millimeter, in the discount jeweler. She then accused her only brother of pearl gouging. This caused a chasm in family so wide you would think we were Arabs. And the rift wasn't healed until my Uncle Ben circumcised my grandson Ryan's penis for free. He did a beautiful job! It's to die for!

Also, if I see a horse take a poop in the pen before a race I bet on him. That way he's bound to be lighter and springier. Mr. Francis Albert Sinatra himself taught me that.

She's from someplace called Evanston, Il.

You're so stupid, Amanda! It's in America. IL is the state! It's short for Ildaho.

Look, I told you, I am a busy professional woman and I am looking to get laid!

Oh, Jack, what happened?

It's the usual story, you know? I got addicted to prescription painkillers after a surfing accident, found myself hanging at the ranch, drinking with my lackeys, chasing my wife around with an ax, and shot the neighbor's dog. Anyway, the studio calls up, they cancel my series, I tell them to go fuck themselves, and I haven't worked since.

If I had a nickle for every time I heard this story.

Do you have a dependency problem?

Is it that obvious?

[Gasps] What is it, dear? What is it? What's it Mary Jane, horse, toot, crap?

Hello, I'm Linda Granger, and I am one-hundred percent drug free. I've kicked Quaaludes, cocaine, the Big H, black beauties, pot, hash, white crosses, opium, peyote, glue --

This is only a fifteen second spot, Miss Granger. I don't think we have enough time for all of your abuses.

But each one of them is such an important part of my struggle. Um, okay, I got an idea. [Singing] I've kicked... Librium, and Eskatrol , Dexedrine, and Valium, Pemadam, and Percocets, Seconals, and Tuinals, cocaine, Quaaludes, opium, peyote, and hash!

That's great!

[Laughs] Oh, I forgot amyl nitrite.

You listen to me, that man fondled you! He fondled you!

My insurance pays for it!

In my business, it's not who you know, but how much you know about them.

No offense Mr. Andre, but the last time anyone aside from Mr. Jake did my hair, it ended up looking so orange that I looked like Lucy, and I'm not talking about the I Love Lucy Lucy, I'm talking about the old tired Lucy.

[Singing] Caught in a tree, really gotta pee, what I'd do just to be free, drinking tea with a guy named Lee.

When I was a child me favor movie was Pinocchio. Oh, and I loved Jiminy Cricket. What child didn't dream of having a single adult male in a top hat and cane living with him? It was ruin for me when I saw the adult gay porn video in 1986 called Pincockio.I know, ain't it awful? Suffice to say it wasn't his nose that grew when he told lies.