Jack Harkness quotes from Torchwood

Jack

Water? I'm American, too! Can't I contribute to our global cultural hegemony with a nice frosty cola?!

Jack

Our greatest problem is that what's happened to the world is invisible. Quite by chance Oswald's found himself right at the heart of it. George Elliot wrote this chapter in Middlemarch. She said that if you take a piece of metal with random scratches all over it and hold a flame up to the metal, the scratches look like they're forming patterns. Circling around the light. And that Oswald. He's blazin' away. The patterns are starting to revolve around him. And all we have to do is keep watching.

Jack

[after Gwen tries an American accent] You're so never doing that accent again.

Jack

End the miracle. And you can die. You're cursed with intelligence. Clever enough to know who you are. And wise enough to want it to end. You help me and I promise I will help you to die.

Jack

Before we go any further, who the hell orders pizza under the name of "Torchwood"?

Owen

Er, yeah, that would be me. Sorry, I'm a twat.

Jack

This is Owen Harper.

Owen

Doctor Owen Harper.

Jack

And this is Ianto Jones [Ianto nods] Ianto cleans up after us, gets us everywhere on time.

I try my best.

Jack

And he looks good in a suit.

Ianto

Careful, that's harassment, sir.

Gwen

But hold on, if no one can see it when the lift's coming up, there's a great big bloody hole in the floor. Don't people fall in?

Jack

That is so Welsh.

Gwen

What is?

Jack

I show you something fantastic; you find fault.

Jack

All right, usual formation.

Gwen

What's the usual formation?

Owen

Varies.

Gwen

How can the usual formation vary?

Gwen

...Special Ops! I'm Special Ops...I'm with Torchwood.

Don't mess with me, little girl. You're not with Torchwood. And even if you were-

Jack

-You'd have put out the welcome banners. Now, first of all, she's no little girl. From where I'm standing, all the right curves in all the right places...but she is Torchwood, we both are, and we'd appreciate it if you'd leave us to do the real work. [holds hand out to Gwen] Shall we?

Gwen

He just...

Jack

[deadpan] Came and went.

Owen

Now that's how I'd like to go.

I'm sure we could arrange it.

Owen

Happy birthday me. Oi, you lot, treat!

Wow.

Jack

Wow.

I thought she said she had a boyfriend.

Jack

You people and your quaint little categories.

We should really get her out of there...

Jack

Yeah... [pauses] I mean, yeah, come on!

Owen

I'll just... record a bit of this.

Gwen

Well, actually, um, we were sort of, well, snogging...

WE KNOW.

Gwen

So what's this supposed to do?

Jack

I'm using satellite tracking data to determine the intra-trajectory of the meteorite.

He means he's trying to find out where it's come from.

Jack

Hey! Sometimes a little technobabble is good for the soul!

Gwen

What are we doing, having Chinese while a girl fights for her life? We should be helping her.

Jack

Actually, while we've been eating, the computers have been running a full bio-scan on Carys, profiling her blood, metabolism, organs, the works. So we can see what effect the alien is having on her. They've also been taking samples of the air in the cell, so we can analyse any change in the environment around her. Now, is that enough? Do you want more? 'Cause... gets kind of boring.

Gwen

You've been hidden down here too long. Spending so much time with the alien stuff. You've lost what it means to be human.

Jack

So remind us. Tell me what it means to be human in the twenty-first century.