The X-Files · Season 6
(pushing toward bathroom) Supertanker coming through.
Here, Angela, you can't go in there.
My bladder is pressing against your unborn child, Walter. He's going to have a head like a tortilla.
This thing is in the plumbing!
The volume alone could push it right back out to sea!
Oh, it's amazing. It's truly amazing.
What's that?
That you could come here in the face of a hurricane chasing a sea monster, yet, and end up bringing a new life into the world. And then slaying the monster and save this one's life as he was quite literally circling down the drain.
(embarrassed) She didn't save my life, really...
Oh, yes, she did. Yes, with a gun to her head, no less.
(rationalizing) Well, you wouldn't have known to go out in the rain if I hadn't pointed it out that to you that it was the fresh water that killed the organism...
No. No no no no... I-I saw the Shipley's cat!
Uh, well, I-I can't swallow that... No, no, no.
I saw the cat, which had been saved which had been in the washing machine. And the Shipleys had boarded up their house which means that the only way they could have vanished was if the creature came up through the plumbing in a backwash of seawater. Seawater. And then the deputy who vanished from a bathtub full of Epsom salts.
If Agent Scully had not been there with you, I shudder to think what would have happened to you. I'd say you owe her your life. It takes a big man to admit this, but... if I had had someone as savvy as her by my side all those years ago in the X-Files I might not have retired. (both Mulder and Scully look a little embarrassed)
I know. I missed the meeting.
You didn't miss the meeting. You're extraordinarily late for the meeting. It's still going on.
What are you doing down here?
We took a short break and I came looking for you. What are you doing down here, Mulder?
(sarcastically) I'm having the best damn day of my life. Any moment I'm about to burst into song. (dryly) "Zip a dee doo dah." My, uh, waterbed sprung a leak and shorted out my alarm clock. (Scully looks surprised) My cell phone got wet and crapped out on me and the check I wrote my landlord to cover the, uh, damages is going to bounce if I don't deposit my pay. You ever have one of those days, Scully?
Since I've been working here? Yeah. When did you get a waterbed, Mulder?
(he pauses, thinking; ignores the question) Bank's just down the street. I'll be back in ten. Cover for me, will you? (leaves)
(to herself) When do I not?
I know. I missed the meeting.
Well, not yet, but, uh, only because it's the longest in FBI history.
What are you doing down here, then?
Well, I came looking for you. We took a five-minute break (looks at watch) three minutes ago. Mulder, your cell phone's not working. (He glances up at her.) Did you oversleep?
Scully, did you ever have one of those days you wish you could rewind and start all over again from the beginning?
Yes. Frequently. But, I mean, who's... who's to say that if you did rewind it and start over again that it wouldn't end up exactly the same way?
So you think it's all just fate? We have no free will?
No, I think that we're free to be the people that we are - good, bad or indifferent. I think that it's our character that determines our fate.
And all the rest is just preordained? I don't buy that. There's too many variables. Too many forks in the road. I meant to be on time to work this morning but my waterbed springs a leak flooding my apartment (Scully looks surprised) and the apartment below me so that makes me late for the meeting. Then I realize I got to write a check to cover the damages to my landlord but, as I'm walking to work, I realize that that's gonna bounce unless I deposit my pay. So now I got to go to the bank, which makes me even later.
(curious) Since when did you get a waterbed?
I might just as easily not have a waterbed then I'd be on time for this meeting. You might just as easily have stayed in medicine and not gone into the FBI, and then we would never have met. Blah, blah, blah...
Fate.
Free will. With every choice, you change your fate.
I just got the weirdest sensation of deja vu. I've been having it all morning.
Well, that's fairly common.
Yeah, but never to this degree. I mean, I woke up, I opened my eyes I was soaking wet... (Scully looks confused and curious) It's a long story but I had the distinct sensation that I had lived that moment before.
Well, you may have. Did you do a lot of drinking in college?
(about the very strict neighborhood) Oh, yeah. Nothing weird going on around here. (following Scully into the house) Hey... ooh, wait a minute. You didn't let me carry you over the threshold.
(very friendly) You must be the Petries. Hi. Welcome. Welcome to The Falls.
(shaking her hand) I'm Rob (puts hands on Scully's shoulders) and this is my lovely wife, Laura.
Rob and Laura Petrie.
We pronounce it "Pee-trie," actually.
Oh.
(cheerfully) Like the dish!
(videotaping the house) The local police departments were at a dead end so they turned to the FBI. AD Skinner, in assigning us this case thought a fruitful approach to the investigation would be if we went undercover posing as prospective home buyers as this planned community would seem to hide a dark, possibly murderous conspiracy of silence.
(gets up close to the camera; seductively) You want to make that honeymoon video now?
Rob and Laura Petrie?
"Pee-trie."
Mulder, if we ever go undercover again I get to choose the names, okay?
Fine.
It just tells me that you're not taking this seriously.
I'm taking it seriously. I just don't understand why we're on it. It's our first catch back on the X-Files. This isn't an X-File.
Sure it is. It's unexplained. What do you want, aliens? Tractor beams?
Wow. Admit it: you just want to play house. (demanding, jokingly) Woman, get back in here and make me a sandwich! (She stops, smiles slightly; throws her latex gloves at at his head; heads toward the door) Did I not make myself clear?
Mulder...
The name... is Rob.
Morning.
Oh! Oh, Rob, Laura. ("accidentally?" sprays their legs with the hose) I'm so sorry. So, good morning. So how was your first night? Peaceful?
(looking fondly at Scully) Oh, it was wonderful. We just spooned up and fell asleep like little baby cats. Isn't that right, Honeybunch?
(forced smile) That's right, Poopyhead.
All right, then, let's see. Basketball hoop and backboard. Portable. Nope, I'm sorry. It's not allowed.
You're kidding?
I'm afraid not. Rules are rules. It may not sound like anything-- a simple basketball hoop-- but from there, it's just a few short steps to spinning daisy reflectors and a bass boat in the driveway.
In other words, anarchy.
Sweetheart? Did you use the dolphin-safe tuna this time?
Dolphin-safe all the way, Honey.
We always use the dolphin-safe.
(eating) You've got to love those dolphins ... although they're pretty tasty, too.
[Win and Cami look shocked and horrified; Scully laughs awkwardly to try to break the tension.]
So... where'd you two meet?
[Scully opens her mouth to speak but is interrupted by Mulder.]
Actually, it was at a UFO conference.
Flying saucers? Interesting. Wouldn't have thought you folks would have been into that.
(puts arm around Scully) Well, it's not me so much as Laura. She's quite the New-Ager. I mean, she's into those magnetic bracelets and crystals and mood rings, what have you. I mean, God bless her she's a sucker for all that stuff.
Well, I wouldn't have guessed that, would you?
Mm-mm.
(fake smile) No kidding.
Yeah, there's no sign of him in his house. I didn't see him in the storm drain, either. I take it he's dead, Scully.
(correcting him, from the bathroom) Laura.
[Mulder sarcastically mouths "Okay.")
(from the bathroom) Mulder, speaking of cleaning up, whoever taught you how to squeeze a tube of toothpaste? (Her arm, coming from the bathroom doorway, shows him the tube squeezed in the middle; he ignores it)
Hey, what do we know about this stuff?
I'm driving down to San Diego tomorrow and have it analyzed.
All right.
Third warning: (sound of toilet seat falling) Toilet seat. (toilet flushes)
(sprawls out on the bed) Why kill Big Mike? (Scully comes out of the bathroom wearing a bright green mud mask; Mulder looks up and is startled) Whoa!
What's missing here is intent. What would be the motive? (throws sweatshirt at his head)
Compulsive neatness, or a lack thereof. Have you noticed how everybody around here is obsessed with the neighborhood rules and the CC&Rs? You know what? You fit in really well here.
(pointedly looking at him lying on the bed) And you don't.
(adjusting the pillows) Well, anyway, tomorrow I got a, uh, a surefire way of testing out my theory. (pats the bed beside him seductively; waggles his eyebrows at her; she raises her eyebrows; he tries coaxing) Come on, Laura, you know... we're married now.
(correcting) Scully, Mulder. Good night.
(gets up and takes a pillow; pauses next to her; looks very serious) The thrill is gone. (Scully sighs)
[Mulder has just put a pink plastic flamingo in the front yard; looks around confidently and pumps his fists]
Bring it on.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The X-Files pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
