Arthur Dales quotes from The X-Files

Mr. Mulder... maybe you'd better start paying a little less attention to the heart of the mystery and a little more attention to the mystery of the heart.

Mr. Exley, I'm not a big sports hero like yourself, sir and I really don't have an opinion on Negroes or Jews or Communists or even Canadians and vegetarians, for that matter but I cannot stomach the murder of a man of any persuasion or any color being flaunted and solicited in my town. (shows him the flyer) Not on my watch. So you can be safe with me in a cell down at the precinct or you can be safe with me here on the bus. Seeing as how this is still America you're free to choose, sir.

Oh, it's amazing. It's truly amazing.

Scully

What's that?

That you could come here in the face of a hurricane chasing a sea monster, yet, and end up bringing a new life into the world. And then slaying the monster and save this one's life as he was quite literally circling down the drain.

Mulder

(embarrassed) She didn't save my life, really...

Oh, yes, she did. Yes, with a gun to her head, no less.

Scully

(rationalizing) Well, you wouldn't have known to go out in the rain if I hadn't pointed it out that to you that it was the fresh water that killed the organism...

Mulder

No. No no no no... I-I saw the Shipley's cat!

Uh, well, I-I can't swallow that... No, no, no.

Mulder

I saw the cat, which had been saved which had been in the washing machine. And the Shipleys had boarded up their house which means that the only way they could have vanished was if the creature came up through the plumbing in a backwash of seawater. Seawater. And then the deputy who vanished from a bathtub full of Epsom salts.

If Agent Scully had not been there with you, I shudder to think what would have happened to you. I'd say you owe her your life. It takes a big man to admit this, but... if I had had someone as savvy as her by my side all those years ago in the X-Files I might not have retired. (both Mulder and Scully look a little embarrassed)

Mulder

How do you know my name?

My brother told me all about you. He said you were the biggest jackass in the Bureau since he retired. (sarcastic) Yeah, we're big fans. Sometimes we'd stay awake hours at night just talking about you. Just fascinating. Now, unless you're hiding some Chinese food let's call it a day.

Mulder

I don't really care about the baseball, so much, sir. What I care about is this man in the picture with you. I believe to be an alien bounty hunter.

(opening the door a crack) Of course you don't care about the baseball, Mr. Mulder. You only bothered my brother about the important things like government conspiracies and alien bounty hunters and the truth with a capital "T."

Mulder

Wait a minute. I like baseball.

You like baseball, huh?

Mulder

Yeah.

How many home runs did Mickey Mantle hit?

Mulder

(thinks) 163. (Dales begins shutting the door, disappointed; Mulder pushes it open) Righty. 373 lefty. 536 total. (Arthur Dales nods, impressed; opens door all the way)

Mulder

Let me get this straight: a free-spirited alien fell in love with baseball and ran away from the other non-fun-having aliens and made himself black, because that would prevent him from getting to the majors where his unspeakable secret might be discovered by an intrusive press and public and you're also implying that...

You certainly have a knack for turning chicken salad into chicken spit.

Mulder

You're also implying that this baseball-playing alien has something to do with the famous Roswell UFO crash of July '47, aren't you?

You're just dying to connect the dots aren't you, son? Look, I give you some wood and I ask you for a cabinet. You build me a cathedral. I don't want a cathedral. I like where I live. I just want a place to put my TV. Understand my drift?

Mulder

(pauses) Drift it is, sir.

Trust the tale, Agent MacGyver, not the teller. That which fascinates us is by definition true. Speaking metaphorically, of course.

Mulder

Okay, so was Ex a man who was metaphorically an alien or an alien who was metaphorically a man or a something in between that was literally an alien-human hybrid? (Dales sighs; hands Mulder alcohol) It's official. I am a horse's ass.

Don't get cornball on me, man. Next thing you'll be telling me is I owe it to all the little kids to break the home-run record, or I owe it to the black folks who think I'm one of them, to make it to the majors or I should just keep playing out of some meaningless human concept of pride or loyalty.

I don't know, Ex.

We don't think like that, man. We may be able to look like y'all, but we ain't y'all. You know the big thing that separates us from you?

What's that?

We got rhythm. (both pause, then crack up)