Fox Mulder quotes from The X-Files

Mulder

Morning.

Oh! Oh, Rob, Laura. ("accidentally?" sprays their legs with the hose) I'm so sorry. So, good morning. So how was your first night? Peaceful?

Mulder

(looking fondly at Scully) Oh, it was wonderful. We just spooned up and fell asleep like little baby cats. Isn't that right, Honeybunch?

Scully

(forced smile) That's right, Poopyhead.

All right, then, let's see. Basketball hoop and backboard. Portable. Nope, I'm sorry. It's not allowed.

Mulder

You're kidding?

I'm afraid not. Rules are rules. It may not sound like anything-- a simple basketball hoop-- but from there, it's just a few short steps to spinning daisy reflectors and a bass boat in the driveway.

Mulder

In other words, anarchy.

Sweetheart? Did you use the dolphin-safe tuna this time?

Dolphin-safe all the way, Honey.

We always use the dolphin-safe.

Mulder

(eating) You've got to love those dolphins ... although they're pretty tasty, too.

So... where'd you two meet?

Mulder

Actually, it was at a UFO conference.

Flying saucers? Interesting. Wouldn't have thought you folks would have been into that.

Mulder

(puts arm around Scully) Well, it's not me so much as Laura. She's quite the New-Ager. I mean, she's into those magnetic bracelets and crystals and mood rings, what have you. I mean, God bless her she's a sucker for all that stuff.

Well, I wouldn't have guessed that, would you?

Mm-mm.

Scully

(fake smile) No kidding.

Mulder

Yeah, there's no sign of him in his house. I didn't see him in the storm drain, either. I take it he's dead, Scully.

Scully

(correcting him, from the bathroom) Laura.

Scully

(from the bathroom) Mulder, speaking of cleaning up, whoever taught you how to squeeze a tube of toothpaste? (Her arm, coming from the bathroom doorway, shows him the tube squeezed in the middle; he ignores it)

Mulder

Hey, what do we know about this stuff?

Scully

I'm driving down to San Diego tomorrow and have it analyzed.

Mulder

All right.

Scully

Third warning: (sound of toilet seat falling) Toilet seat. (toilet flushes)

Mulder

(sprawls out on the bed) Why kill Big Mike? (Scully comes out of the bathroom wearing a bright green mud mask; Mulder looks up and is startled) Whoa!

Scully

What's missing here is intent. What would be the motive? (throws sweatshirt at his head)

Mulder

Compulsive neatness, or a lack thereof. Have you noticed how everybody around here is obsessed with the neighborhood rules and the CC&Rs? You know what? You fit in really well here.

Scully

(pointedly looking at him lying on the bed) And you don't.

Mulder

(adjusting the pillows) Well, anyway, tomorrow I got a, uh, a surefire way of testing out my theory. (pats the bed beside him seductively; waggles his eyebrows at her; she raises her eyebrows; he tries coaxing) Come on, Laura, you know... we're married now.

Scully

(correcting) Scully, Mulder. Good night.

Mulder

(gets up and takes a pillow; pauses next to her; looks very serious) The thrill is gone. (Scully sighs)

Scully

Look, Mulder, huge creatures aside do you care to hear what I think?

Mulder

(not quite sarcastic) Always.

Scully

(walking in to the X-Files office, where Mulder is pinning pictures to the wall) Aren't you going home?

Mulder

(not turning around) I am home. I'm just feathering the nest.

Scully

(looking through the file) What happened to the dog?

Mulder

(sitting close to her) Dog gone... Dog gone... (proudly) Doggone.

Scully

(dryly) Yeah, I got it.

Scully

(stares at him) You're not going to tell me that a dog did this.

Mulder

(sounding serious, but grinning) A bad dog.

Scully

(looking in the crate) What did you find?

Nothing conclusive, really, but I can tell you the dog's not likely still on the ship.

Mulder

How did you determine that?

You ever owned a dog, sir?

Mulder

Yeah.

Had to clean up after it? (Mulder grins and agrees)

Scully

I don't suppose you can tell us what kind of dog this is.

I'm not really sure. The man it was shipped to's name is Detweiler. Dr. Ian Detweiler. Calls himself a "cryptozoologist."

Mulder

(interested) Cryptozoologist?

They deal with animals thought to be extinct.

Mulder

(continuing) Animals that aren't supposed to exist like Sasquatch and the Ogopogo and the Abominable Snowman and-

Scully

(interrupting) Don't mind him. He'll go on forever.

Scully

Jake Conroy, age 30. He was employed as a customs agent by the Federal Government. The bite marks match those of the victims on the Chinese freighter. In this case, it bit off the man's hand. There's some talk in the house that he may be involved in the theft of the animal and that it turned on him.

Mulder

Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.

Mulder

I think we're speaking in too common terms about an animal we're calling a dog but which displays none of the behavior of man's best friend.

Scully

You mean covering up crime scenes?

Mulder

(smiles) You get a biscuit, Scully.

You two looking for Karin about boarding?

Mulder

No, it's actually more of a behavior problem.

Scully

(glancing up at Mulder) Yeah, he doesn't listen and he chews on the furniture.

Scully

(reading some of Karin's book titles) Ah. "The Wolf Inside." "Dogs Don't Lie." "Better Than Human." (pause) "Better Than Human?"

Mulder

(shrugging apologetically) She's not a real people person.

Mulder

Everything okay, Scully?

Scully

How well do you know this woman, Mulder?

Mulder

How well do you know anybody you meet on the Internet? She likes to talk.

Scully

Well, I question her motives.

Mulder

You're suggesting that this case was a way to get me out here, to meet me? (no response; Mulder smiles) I'm flattered, but, no. I don't know this woman. I'd go out on a limb and say there's no way in hell she has anything to do with those four people being dead.

Scully

She's enamored of you, Mulder. Don't underestimate a woman. They can be tricksters, too. (They share a look.)