Skinner wants a report in one hour. What are you going to tell him?
MulderWhat do you mean what am I gonna tell him? I'm gonna tell him exactly what I saw. What are you gonna tell him?
I'll tell him exactly what I saw.
Mulder
Now, how is that different? (Scully shrugs) ..Look, Scully, I'm the one who may wind up going to prison here. I gotta know if you're gonna back me up or what.
(annoyed) First of all, if the family of Ronnie Strickland does indeed decide to sue the FBI for, I think the figure is $446 million, then you and I both will most certainly be co-defendants. And second of all.. I don't even have a second of all, Mulder! 446 million dollars! I'm in this as deep as you are, and I'm not even the one that overreacted! I didn't do the [stabbing motion] with the thing!
Mulder
I did not overreact - Ronnie Strickland was a vampire!
Mulder
You're my proof! You were there!
[Scully sighs]
Mulder
Okay, now you're scaring me. I want to hear exactly what you're going to tell Skinner.
Oh, you want us to get our stories straight.
Mulder
No, no, no - I didn't say that. I just want to hear it the way you saw it.
I don't feel comfortable with that.
Mulder
Prison, Scully. Your cell mate's nickname is going to be Large Marge. She's going to read a lot of Gertrude Stein.
Yesterday morning, when I arrived at work, you were.. characteristically exuberant.
Mulder
[slams tickets down on the desk excitedly] Hope you brought your cowboy boots!
You want us to go to Dallas?
Mulder
Yee-haw! Actually a town called Cheney, about 50 miles south of there. Population: 361. By all accounts, very rustic and charming. But as of late, ground zero, the locus for a series of mysterious nocturnal exsanguinations.
Exsanguinations? Of whom?
Mulder
[Flashes a slide of a dead cow.] How does that grab ya?
Mulder
Dead cow! Exactly. Or more specifically, a dead 900 pound Holstein. Its body completely drained of blood, as was this one, [flashes slides] this one, this one, this one, and so on. Six, all in all, approximately one a week over the past six weeks.
Mulder
Two small puncture wounds on the neck?
That's not what I was gonna ask.
Mulder
(excitedly) Too bad! We got em! Check it out. [flashes slide]
Well, these may be syringe marks, their placement meant to emulate fangs. Such ritualistic bloodletting points towards cultists of some sort, in which case - (Mulder starts smirking) - what?
Mulder
(laughing) Yeah, that's probably it - Satanic cultists. Come on, Scully!
You're not gonna tell me this is that Mexican goat sucker.
Mulder
El Chupacabra? No, they've got four fangs, not two. And they suck goats, hence the name.
So instead this would be..?
Mulder
Classic vampirism.
Mulder
And one dead human! Last night - a vacationer from New Jersey. [flashes slide] Come on, we gotta go. [Grabs his coat and runs off]
Why the hell didn't you tell me that from the beginning?!
Mulder
(from offscreen) Lock the door on your way out!
It was there that we were met by a representative of local law enforcement, Sheriff-
Lucius Hartwell. You the FBI agents?
Mulder
Agents Mulder and, uh.. (snaps fingers, trying to remember) Scully. What do you say we go take a look at your victim?
Yeah, by all means. After you.
[Scully stands there subtly ogling Sheriff Hartwell.]
Mulder
Come on, Scully, get those little legs movin'! Come on!
You really know your stuff, Dana.
Mulder
(disbelief) "Dana"?! [Cuts back to Mulder's office; he laughs] He never even knew your first name!
(slightly embarrassed) You gonna interrupt me, or what?
Mulder
No, go ahead. (grinning) ..Dana.
Mulder
[Investigating the body] Have you noticed that this man's shoes are untied?
Mulder, what's your point?
Mulder
This means something.. Sheriff, do you have an old cemetery in town, off the beaten path, the creepier the better?
Mulder
(snaps his fingers at him) Take me there now! Scully, we're gonna need a complete autopsy on this man, the sooner the better.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What am I even looking for?
Mulder
(puts his hands on her shoulders; looks at her intently) I don't know. (walks off)
(looks at the sheriff, who seems confused; tries to explain) He does that.
Mulder
But as always, I-I'm very eager to hear your opinion.
(annoyed) Well, it's obviously not a vampire.
Mulder
Well why not?
(like it should be obvious) Because they don't exist?
Mulder
Well, that's one opinion and I respect that.
(looking at Hartwell) Ooh, boy.
[Sheriff Hartwell appears, with a more pronounced Southern drawl and obvious buck teeth]
Y'all must be the guv-mint people. (Mulder has a slightly repulsed face, while Scully is obviously enamored with Hartwell) ..I'm Lucius Hartwell.
[Cuts back to Mulder's office]
(objecting) He had big buck teeth?
Mulder
..He had a slight overbite.
No, he didn't. (Mulder nods his head) ..And that's significant? How?
Mulder
I'm just trying to be thorough.
Mulder
Anyway, skipping ahead..
Why skipping ahead? (no response) Mulder... you shot out the tires, what then?
Mulder
[Cuts back to Mulder and Sheriff Hartwell, both trying in vain the shoot out the RV's tires] ..Well, here's something you may not know - shooting out the tires on a runaway RV is a lot harder than it looks. I then tried a different approach.. [Cuts to Mulder being dragged behind the RV as he attempts to hold on to it, screaming loudly]
Mulder
(voiceover) Tired, frustrated, and lacking a solid lead, I just wanted to get cleaned up. I had the sheriff drop me at the motel, which is where I ran into you.
(sitting on the vibrating bed, yelling at Mulder) What do you mean you want me to do another autopsy?! Why do I have to do it now?! I just spent hours on my feet doing an autopsy, all for you! I do it all for you, Mulder! You know I haven't eaten since 6 o'clock this morning, and that was half a cream cheese bagel. And it wasn't even real cream cheese, it was light cream cheese! Now you want me to run off and do another autopsy?! (finally notices how beaten up he looks) What the hell happened to you?
Mulder
(voiceover) Finally you left.
(leaving the motel room) Don't you touch that bed!
[Scully finds Mulder barely conscious in their hotel room]
Mulder
..Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? Shaft! Can ya dig it? (Scully looks at Mulder, disbelieving)They say this cat Shaft is a bad mother- shut your mouth! Talkin' 'bout Shaft.
[Cuts to Mulder's office, as he reacts to Scully's version of the story]
Mulder
I did not!
You're saying that I actually hit him two times.
Mulder
Square in the chest. No effect.
..and then he sort of flew at me like a flying squirrel.
Mulder
I don't think I'd use the phrase "flying squirrel" when I talk to Skinner, but.. yeah, that's what happened.
The X-Files · 847 quotes
