Ainsley Hayes quotes from The West Wing

Sam

I flat-out guarantee you that if men were biologically responsible for procreation, there'd be paid family leave in every Fortune 500.

Ainsley

Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation, they'd fall down and die at the first sonogram.

Sam

So guys, when I was downstairs I made a decision: I'm going to register with the Republican Party. And I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving people.

Ainsley

We also like beef.

Sam

You know, you insist that government is depraved for not legislating against what we can see on the newsstands, or what we can see in an art exhibit, or what we can burn in protest, or which sex we're allowed to have sex with, or a woman's right to choose. But don't you dare try to regulate this deadly weapon I have concealed on me, for that would encroach against my freedom.

Ainsley

Yeah, and Democrats believe in free speech as long as it isn't prayer while you're standing in school. You believe in the Freedom of Information Act, except if you want to find out if your 14-year-old daughter has had an abortion.

Sam

We believe in the ERA.

Ainsley

Well, go get them.

Sam

How can you have an objection...

Ainsley

Because it's humiliating! A new amendment we vote on declaring that I'm equal under the law to a man? I am mortified to discover there's reason to believe I wasn't before. I am a citizen of this country. I am not a special subset in need of your protection. I do not have to have my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white men. The same Article 14 that protects you, protects me and I went to law school just to make sure. And with that, I'm going back down to the mess, because I thought I may have seen there a peach.

Sam

[to Ed and Larry]: I would have countered that, but I already moved on to other things in my head.

Ainsley

I'm going up to Smith College tomorrow.

Sam

Why?

Ainsley

It's my alma mater.

Sam

Reunion?

Ainsley

The women's studies department is holding a panel on resurrecting the ERA.

Sam

Who else is on the panel?

Ainsley

Rebecca Walker, Gloria Steinem, Ann Coulter, Naomi Wolf...

Sam

You know, something like 40% of all women oppose the ERA, and in my entire lifetime, I've yet to meet one of them.

Ainsley

[extending hand] Ainsley Hayes, pleased to meet you.

Sam

You're not...

Ainsley

Yes.

Sam

You're not!

Ainsley

Yes.

Sam

You're not, you're not, you're not one of those people!

Ainsley

Sam, if, by those people, you're referring to Episcopalians...

Sam

You're going back to Smith College, the cradle of feminism, to argue in opposition of the Equal Rights Amendment?

Ainsley

And get some decent pizza, yeah.

Sam

They're gonna hate you.

Ainsley

I'm a straight Republican from North Carolina. You don't think they hated me the first time around?

Ainsley

What do you need?

C.J.

I want you to get together with one of your friends in the press room from a conservative paper.

Ainsley

You really think we have a secret handshake, don't you?

C.J.

Do you?

Ainsley

Yes.

Sam

Celia, I asked Ainsley, and she said she didn't mind at all. Plus, Charlie said he's fine with it.

Charlie's a man.

Charlie

Damn right.

Ainsley

Sam.

Sam

Yes.

Ainsley

We need to be clear we're not going to take a bath when other countries can afford to take on more.

Sam

Yes.

Ainsley

This is important.

Sam

I also think it's important to make it clear that I'm not a sexist.

Charlie

And that I'm all man.

Ainsley

You're Celia?

Yes.

Ainsley

He's not a sexist.

If you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.

Ainsley

I'm sorry?

I said I'm surprised you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.

Ainsley

I don't even know what that means.

I think you do.

Ainsley

And I think you think I'm made out of candy glass, Celia. If somebody says something that offends you, tell them. But all women don't have to think alike.

I didn't say they did and when somebody said something that offended me, I did say so.

Ainsley

I like it when the guys tease me. It's an inadvertent show of respect I'm on the team and I don't mind it when it gets sexual. And you know why? I like sex.

Charlie

Hello.

Ainsley

I don't think whatever sexuality I may have diminishes my power. I think it enhances it.

And what kind of feminism do you call that?

Ainsley

My kind.

It's called Lipstick Feminism. I call it Stiletto Feminism.

Sam

Stilettos?

Ainsley

You're not in enough trouble already?

Sam

I suppose I am.

Isn't the point that Sam wouldn't have been able to find another way to be chummy with a woman who wasn't sexually appealing?

Ainsley

He would be able to, but that isn't the point. The point is that sexual revolution tends to get in the way of actual revolution. Nonsense issues distract attention away from real ones: pay equity, child care, honest-to-God sexual harassment, and in this case a speech in front of the U.N. General Assembly. So, you, [to Sam] 25% on the assessments for Category A. [To Charlie] You...I don't know what your thing is. [To Celia] And, you, stop trying to take the fun out of my day. With that, I'm going to get a cupcake.

Sam

Well, for the moment, I'm going to do what she's telling me to do.

Sam

32-50 is a consolidated appropriations act that we want to drop in the U.N. speech for Monday morning. I need you to review the final legislative language so we can shop it around the Hill over the weekend.

Ainsley

What does it call for?

Sam

Uh, I don't know.

Ainsley

Sam.

Sam

It authorizes payment of nine hundred and twenty-six million in U.N. dues over three years for an exchange in the reduction of U.N. bureaucracy as well as peace-keeping assessments by the General Assembly.

Ainsley

And what are we concerned about?

Sam

Well, the language was drafted by Republicans.

Ainsley

We're inscrutable.

Sam

I just want you to look for legal landmines.

Ainsley

Like what?

Sam

I don't know. A ban on German food, or a hidden amendment saying how annoying the French are.

Ainsley

How about this? We drop out of the UN entirely and use the 926 million to take everyone in the country out to brunch?

Sam

Why don't you write that suggestion in the margins?