Alaric Saltzman quotes from The Vampire Diaries

(passing Alaric on the stairs) How's it going, Ric?

Alaric

(watches Damon go, then turns to Elena) Know what you're doing, there?

No. (exhales) I don't.

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Where have you been?

Managing Bill Forbes. Apparently, he's impervious to compulsion.

Alaric

How?

I have no idea. But he threatened to out me. Don't get me started on the irony of that...

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Damon (about Bill): He wants to put vervain in the town's water supply.

Maybe it's not a bad idea. I mean, it'll help you keep yourself in control, now that Stefan's not here to...

To what? To keep me in check? Make me behave? I should have killed him this morning.

He's Caroline's dad, Damon.

Yeah, and when I kill him, she'll have one more parent than we do. (starts to leave)

Alaric

(blocks him) Oh, come on, Damon!

You're repeatedly killing my buzz today, Ric. Step aside.

Alaric

Yeah, that's not going to happen.

(sighs) Your temporary funeral. (breaks his neck)

Damon, no! What is wrong with you?!

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Alaric

You killed me!

Ric, no hard feelings, alright? I was on a bit of a tear, and everyone was trying to tell me how to behave-

Alaric

Or maybe they finally realized you’re just a dick.

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I lure Stefan away from the bonfire. Then, when he's distracted--

Alaric

I'll shoot him.

Can't Bonnie just ju-ju him, or something?

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Are you ever not gonna hate me, Ric?

Alaric

Doubtful.

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But remember back when you liked me, and we conspired to kill Uncle Werewolf Mason Lockwood?

Alaric

Yeah. And?

I think he’s still a little pissed.

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Alaric

You’re going to recycle that same crap-ass apology you gave to Mason Lockwood?

Yeah, well. I didn’t mean it with him.

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Alaric

Careful where you shine that thing. Bats hate the light.

Wait... what?

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Alaric

What if he asked you to... jump off a bridge?

Tyler

He wouldn't. And even if he did, I'd be fine. I'm a hybrid.

OK, so what if he asked you to rip your own heart out?

Tyler

Again, he wouldn't.

What if he did?

Tyler

I don't know - then I'd rip out my heart!

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Alaric

Are you still obsessed of Meredith? I mean, don't you have an original vampire to care about? (as he lifts weights)

Ah ah ah, do ten more of those. You're gonna wanna buff up, if you start dating this one. Self-defense and all.

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Well you don't have to judge her. Just tie her up. Lock her in her room till this is over.

Alaric

Well, I wouldn't if I could, and I can't because I'm busy.

Busy doing what?

Alaric

Don't worry about it.

Are you with the sexy psycho doctor?

Alaric

Good bye Damon.

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Alaric

Tell me again, why are we here?

Ric, the world can't stop turning just because you're an accidental psycho killer.

Do you have any tact? Whatsoever?

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I really don't think you should be looking through that stuff.

Alaric

Well, it's the truth. Restraining orders and all. My life is a series of police reports.

You don't strike me as an angry guy, which sounds weird given everything, but- you don't.

Alaric

Yeah, well I was stupid when I was younger. It's not like these guys didn't have it coming. I mean, this guy here, broke a beer bottle over a bartender's head. This guy, hit his girlfriend. And this guy, okay, this guy was just a douche. Everyone needs to find a way to deal with their dark side. Some people meditate, I became a vampire hunter.

Semi-retired.

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Alaric

What the hell are you doing here?

Just making sure the witch didn't turn you into a toad, or a block of salt.