The Rockford Files Season 1 quotes

As you know, the Falcone legend has been told many different ways... this last time it was by his former partner Walt Wexler, and unfortunately the toys and the man are closely identified.

There's a complete line of police toys under his name.

Jim

Oh, and I'm supposed to keep the name and the legend clean?

Yes! If you could low profile Falcone just until we get the toy line launched, nothing more...

Just your being with him will have a calming effect! Just like a... a steer with a fighting bull.

That could be the worst analogy I've ever heard...

Jim knows what I mean, don't you Jim?

Rocky

[Rocky's on the couch in Jim's trailer as Falcone is starting] Come on, come on, come on!

Jim

I'll be right there!

[Aiming his gun at the unseen villain] Freeze, turkey!

Rocky

[Rocky smiles, and yells] There! [claps his hands with glee] There!

Jim

[sitting down] Oh, oh, I'm sorry...

Rocky

Anyway, that's the part that I really like. Ain't that something - the way he says 'Freeze, turkey', all, real loud, like that? 'Freeze, turkey!'

[At the toy convention]] We represent the Anti-Violence Ambiance Association. We are against you, and all your toys, your TV image...

Frank Falcone

[cuts them off] I don't care what you think. Kids are my big concern.

We all have children, Mr. Falcone.

Frank Falcone

Oh yeah? Well, who's watching them, lady? It's uh... what, what time you got there? Oh yeah. They should be out of school. I mean, you're down here, at the convention hall, doing your 'concerned parent' number, and who's taking care of them?

We're addressing ourselves to larger issues...

Frank Falcone

Wha-what's larger than what's happening to your kids? Huh? What are they eating? Huh? What are they putting into their mouths while you're working yours, huh?

Frank Falcone

Where are they - right now - right this minute? Can you tell me that, lady? Huh? Y-you-know-what's on afternoon reruns? 'Godzappa Eats Wolfman'. You think that's good for children? You think they're not gonna watch... who's home to tell them 'no'? My show's on at 10pm. They should be in bed by 10pm!

Your toys...

[Interjects, nervously smiling] Our toys have a... a psychological counter... vI-violent quality, I'd like to point out to you... [steers them away from Frank] Now, if you just, uh, follow me, ladies, I Would like to explain to you this, uh, psychological design.

Frank Falcone

You see, Jimmy, what we got here is a couple of inner-city nitwits. They're too stupid for the parks, and the pigeons are beating them out of their breadcrumbs, so they snuck up here to have some beer and belch, and burp.

Jim

That's why I don't involve myself in domestic cases; there's always a lady in a sheet around somewhere!

Jim

Sean, you know what? I'm going to do something I've never done before. Usually I like to talk to a guy first. But with you, I'm gonna rap ya' right in the mouth.

What are your first impressions of the place? I mean, are the juices right? Because before we go inside and... and waste everybody's time on details, I think we should all know if we're in the ballpark.

Jim

[undercover as a representative of a famous real estate client] Well, the inside of the house is not a detail? Well, let me see, I think I'd say we're in the ballpark. It's large enough to allow for a security staff, and the two children want California, especially Caroline...

[grabs Jim by the arm] Mr. Lamont, let's speak frankly. Are we talking about here about Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis?

Jim

Now I didn't say that, and you'd do well not to repeat anything you've heard here today.

[barely able to hide his glee] Oh, absolutely!

Jim

It's like you said... you've dealt with the very, very famous. It's no big deal.

Absolutely! I don't think I'd be speaking out of school if I said to you that those names I mentioned before [Charo, Cher, Ringo, Barbra] are just... chicken liver! [laughs] What is show business fame? Get it! I mean, I know that you, I mean she, could trust me implicitly and absolutely!

Jim

Oh, absolutely...!

About Miriam... you know... it was pure physical depletion that caused that problem she was talking about. That's never happened to me before... probably'll never happen again! Truth is, I've been battling this insidious case of mononucleosis these past weeks. I should see my doctor.

Jim

Yeah, well, when illness interferes with your work you should. I've seen that notebook you have. How many broads with money do you have on the hook exactly?

You make it sound mechanical. I have some basic human needs. Caring. Affection. Oh, I do feel sick...

Jim

Would you like a second opinion? Fear is what causes that lack of steam. It's hard to get excited about old Miriam when you keep picturing yourself hanging upside down while some Arab's picking your teeth.

Emotions never affect my performance.

Jim

[grins] Real trooper, huh?

Angel

Aaron, when it's in the immediate family it's not called blackmail, it's called family spirit!

Angel

What I am tryin' to demonstrate to you is what true influence is worth. I'm not talkin' small time, I'm talkin' the big bag job in the sky!

Angel

Anytime Chapman starts to bother you or any of your friends, you call Angel Martin. I'll have him crated and shipped to the apple orchard indefinitely, for which I'll pick up a little money or favor from...

Jim

Well, that could be dangerous, Angel. That's what's called influence peddling!

Angel

Peddling? I ain't a peddler. A peddler is a guy who stands on a corner and eats exhaust fumes!

[drags his brother-in-law into a private room, both men missing their pants] I want the addresses of the three people who held up this party, and I want them now!

Angel

What! You think I set this up?

Look, you just put down their names, I'll do my best to help you with the police! Write down their names! [he slaps a pad and pen down in front of Angel] Now write down their names! I wanna a name and I want it now!

Angel

You wanna name?

I wanna name!

Angel

All righty, I'm gonna give you a name. [he picks up the pen] C! That's for the community property that you'll be spliting. Y! That's for the youngish looks she has. N! That's for the nights you spent in Newport. T! That's for the telling of the wife. H...!

[looking uneasy] Look, knock it off.

Angel

...That's for the home you're gonna lose in Bel Air. I is for the interest for my silence, and A is for the alimony you gonna be stuck with. You wanna name, Aaron? There's a name for you. Cynthia. Anyway you spell it, it means trouble!

Jim

What's Chapman doing working the door?

Angel

Chapman and a couple of other off-duty cops are here acting as security cuz there's a lot of important people. We've got four police commissioners, we've got a deputy mayor, we've got two deputy police chiefs. Thing is bigger than Cher's birthday.

Angel

Well, I got this friend of mine. He's a fence, Cat-eye Wilson. He met with those boys of yours, alright. Said he wouldn't trust them to float ice cream in a root beer.

This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.

[beeep and caller talks very quickly] Jim, I leave London four o'clock, arrive in L.A. at nine, I guess that's London time, yep, four to five is nine, minus twelve hours flying... no plus twelve hours, ah but then there's a time change...

This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.

[beeep] Rockford? Jake at the Sand Pebble. Sorry old buddy, but there have been gun shots around your place once too often. The neighborhood association wants to have a talk with you.