Jim Rockford quotes from The Rockford Files

Rocky

What was that guy's beef?

Jim

What? Is that supposed to be funny?

Rocky

What'd I say? What'd I say?

Look, this guy actually lives in a trailer.

Jim

[indignant] Well what does that mean?

Well, it just seems to me that living in a trailer is at the bottom.

Jim

I live in a trailer!

Well, you know, not exactly the bottom, more like the middle. And of course, depending on what kind of trailer, it could be the upper middle. For instance I saw one in a magazine a couple of months ago. It could expand out into a two thousand foot home. Now a guy living in a place like that has the world by the...

Jim

Save yourself, son, it's not important.

You know, I've been thinking, Mr. Rockford, that if you want my opinion, we may be barking up the wrong tree.

Jim

[nursing his shot gun wound] We're sure getting some strong feedback from the wrong tree.

Where's Brockelman?

Jim

Oh, its not my turn to watch him.

I can see you're gonna keep us in stitches.

Rita

What are you doing? That's illegal!

Jim

Rita, on my best day I'm borderline.

Jim

Speaking of money, Rita, you never really did explain what happened to the money Maggie left you.

Rita

Oh yeah, well I'm not going to say that I should've known better, right? You're not going to give me the static? And I'm not going to hear about it from you for the rest of my life... it was this guy...

Jim

Rita...

Rita

Yeah, but, Jim, I had such a good time spending it!

Jim

How could you spend $300,000.00?

Rita

Boy, you never give up! You know that? You think I know where the money went? I know where the money went.

Jim

Where?

Rita

All right! [she starts counting off her fingers] The new apartment. The furniture. The microwave. I told you about my friend Monica's teeth? I mean somebody had to do something about her teeth!

Jim

Whadja do? Have them gold-plated and set with her birthstone?

Rita

What about that salesman, whatever he is?

Jim

No, no, no, I think you're right about him. I think he is a salesman, and he's sweating. Which means he knows what's going on. Now if we could just find him...

Rita

How? We don't even know what he does.

Jim

He's carrying a hip joint around in his brief case. There's got to be distributors, manufacturer, reps for prosthetic devices. How many of those can there be in L.A.?

Rita

Want me to tell you?

Jim

[looks at the hostile young punks around him] You wanta have a go, huh, so that all of you can jump me? Is that whatcha want? Nah, I gotta better idea. We will dance... one at a time.

You threatenin' us?

Jim

Am I ever...

You don't frighten me.

Jim

Oh, yes I do... you keep listening to that little voice way down inside you, Eugene. The one that keeps screaming 'bounce back to Jersey'.

Jim

Whatever it was that got you disbarred, were you right?

John Cooper

Maybe you noticed the question of right and wrong is not within the purview of the law. Only the question of legal and illegal.

Jim

Yeah, that seems strange.

John Cooper

Don't it!

Hey, you wanna do the number? Cuz I'm ready! C'mon! C'mon!

Jim

[sneers] How about that. Harry Misanthrope.

[ignorant of Shakespeare] Are you by any chance referrin' to anybody who's present here in the festivity?

Jim

Coop, I'd make book that they did it just to make points with Nodzak. Can ya believe it? These geniuses commit a murder on spec!

John Cooper

[sighs] Abbott and Costello meet The Godfather. Pathetic.

Lance White

No, I promise to stay out of the way this time. You've got the job, the one being paid. I'm just here as a friend.

[in complete adoration] I think it's wonderful that Lance cares for others. It's why everyone loves him.

Jim

Yeah, well we got snarled up in a case in August. I ended up doing ninety days on a county honor farm.

Lance White

Well, I'm sorry about that Jim. I had my clients' interest to protect, and you did break into that hotel room.

Jim

What client? Who were you working for? Nobody ever seemed to know.

Lance White

Well, that was kind of a strange one. Those three little boys hired me.

Jim

The triplets? They were only eight years old!

Lance White

[humbly] Yeah well, when their folks were killed by the Mob I took them in. Finally I made arrangements for them to live on a friend's farm in Vermont.

Jim

[sarcastically] Oh, isn't that nice, a happy ending; all of us got to go to a farm!

Jim

[Referring to an unsolicited tip just received] It hasn't occurred to you this is a trap?

Lance White

[laughing] A trap? C'mon Jim, I doubt that.

Jim

I can't explain why you're still walkin' around. It's not gonna last long. You're naive, Lance, you really are! Ya hafta be cynical, you have to question things. You can't take someone named "Belle LaBelle" on face value! What's her angle, huh? Who's payroll is she on? You find out the answers to those things and then you start moving fast and crooked. You go through door sideways and low, at odd angles. You look for the Big Lie. Question everything!

Lance White

I'm going up to Lake Malibu. Why don't you come with me?

Jim

[Appealing to heaven] They'll kill 'im!

Are you the Lance White who saved Mr. Hillman's life a long, long time ago when the Mob was moving in at the club and threatening his wife and four grandchildren?

Lance

[modestly] Let's just say it's closer than I like to come.

Jim

[unimpressed] Isn't it about time for an intermission? I'm out of popcorn!