[to Jim answering as Michelle Bachmann] Congresswoman Bachmann.
You've said that you were told to run for president by God.
You have, right? You've said on a number of occasions that God told you to run for president. I have some clips if you'd like me to refresh your memory.
Nope, my memory is fresh.
What does God's voice sound like? [everyone laughs] I'm completely serious. She's saying that God spoke directly to her. How is this not the first question asked in a debate? How's it not the only question? What does His voice sound like? What did He say exactly word for word? Did He speak in Hebrew? Acadian? Kiswahili-Bantu? And to put it in a medical context, is this the first time you've heard voices? She's claiming to be a prophet. The whole world is sitting on the edge of their seat. How is this not the first question we'll ask?
First of all, can you stop pointing at me and saying "she" and "her"?
You're the one who wanted to play a woman. But tell me why that question is out of line.
Because it's not the best way to demonstrate seriousness of intent and it's not the best way not to insult people.
MMartin
Christians. 83 percent of the country.
I'm one of them. And she's insulting me!
Please, stop pointing at me when you are–
Relax, J. Edgar. She's insulting me, she's insulting my family, she's insulting my congregation, and she's insulting my faith. She's implying that Christians are imbeciles who will believe anything while reducing God to a party hack who endorses political candidates. Now, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is the first time since Moses that God has given direct instructions to someone other than His son. But if so, I think it deserves a follow-up.
JHJack Habib
You look like you're in pain.
He said in pain, not a pain.
LLonnie
Oh, never mind, then.
I'm doing all these things that are wrong because of ratings, and I'm making the staff do things that they don't want to do, I'm cursing them out, I'm ignoring incredibly important new stories, and I'm betraying the trust of people who respect me. And I did it all in the blink of an eye.
JHJack Habib
That can be traumatic.
No, I'm fine with all of that. Here's my thing. New York Magazine is gonna do a story on my show and I get to choose the writer. And I could have chosen anybody and I chose Mackenzie's ex-boyfriend.
JHJack Habib
Of course. The one she cheated on you with?
That's what I came here to ask you.
JHJack Habib
You're holding your hand over the candle.
JHJack Habib
You're holding your hand over the candle because you think the trick is not minding.
Ah. So if I just get through this, I'll be fine.
JHJack Habib
Because the trick isn't not minding. The trick is forgiving Mackenzie.
It would be easier to hold my hand over the candle.
Well, you've been no help at all, but thanks. Sorry to barge in.
JHJack Habib
You know, while working your way through this, you're hurting Mackenzie.
A miracle. A miracle happens. We become a team again. We all hate this, right?
We're gonna hate it more after 10 minutes of no air conditioning.
No, not the power outage. We hate what we're doing. We hate that we're covering Casey Anthony and Anthony Weiner. We hate that we have to do it to save the ratings. We hate that we have to bump important stories. And we're starting to be not very pleasant people to be around. Guys, this is real. I'm not making this up. Just a minute ago when I was prepping for a pretape with that idiot who's still sitting in the studio-
SSandy
Are you talking about me?
No! Yes. When when I was prepping for her pretape I said, "God, please show me a sign that I'm not doing a big thing badly." And right that second all the power went out. And so obviously I thought, "There's my answer."
Raise your hand if Mac's freaking you the hell out right now. [He and Don raise their hand]
Just tell us how we do the show if the power doesn't-
By being a team again. And that was God's plan.
Keep God out of this and talk more about electricity.
...
Does anybody think we're not good enough to pull this off?
SSandy
Should I still be sitting here?
I'm so sorry, Sandy. I know you had your heart set on entertaining us with private details of a man you were sexting with and maybe a "Playboy" spread, but we're not able to do pretape. So if you want to do the show, you're gonna have to do it live.
SSandy
I already committed to Fox, and no offense but it's a bigger audience.
Shoot! Does anybody think we can't do this?
This is a blessing in disguise. I say the power going out is the best thing that ever happened to us. I say the power going out is what is gonna save this-
[The power goes back on suddenly]
Our job is to find the two candidates who'll give the voters the best competing arguments, and I don't believe we're seeing that. We have to put the candidates on a witness stand.
TBTate Brady
Would you have them swear an oath?
ARAdam Roth
Just let 'em do it.
If baseball players testifying about steroids in front of a House Subcommittee are subject to perjury, I don't know why presidential candidates aren't. But I'm not reaching for the stars, I'm reaching just an inch higher.
[in the mock debate] Senator Santorum, you said that your campaign is about freedom and that 20 years from now you don't want to be telling your grandchildren how America once was free. Name three freedoms you had the day before President Obama was sworn in that you don't have now.
[as Santorum] Obamacare, to begin with. Obamacare is the most egregious--
Have you had to change doctors?
[as Santorum] May I finish?
No, sir. Have you had to change doctors?
Has anyone in your family had to change doctors? Has there been any change at all in health care for you or your family?
[as Santorum] I'm talking about Obamacare now.
My question was name three freedoms that you had the day before the president was sworn in that you don't have now. [to Maggie as Gingrich] Mr. Speaker, you just said that if you're elected, the price of gas will be $2.50 a gallon. How does the US President control the price of oil? [to Martin as Romney] Governor, you've said that as president you will never apologize for America. This question is in two parts. Name an instance in which the president has apologized for America and can you imagine no instance in which a US president should apologize for America?
[as Gingrich] Mr. McAvoy, I find it reprehensible that the liberal media would try to pit Republicans against one another. And I, for one, won't stand by while it happens.
This is the Republican primary, Mr. Speaker, and you're running for the nomination. It wasn't my idea to pit you against anyone. It was yours.
TBTate Brady
[in Will's office] I told you, this guy--
[walking in] This guy what?
TBTate Brady
Wasn't on the team.
ARAdam Roth
He's on the team, okay?
Hang on. The team I'm on is the voters' and smart, qualified people disagreeing about issues.
TBTate Brady
Your plan was to embarrass the candidates.
I want candidates who can answer those questions. And if they know they're going to be held responsible for the nonsense they're shouting on the stump, they'll be forced to stop shouting nonsense.
TBTate Brady
This guy has lost his mind.
Adam, this is exactly what we always talked about. This is what we dreamed of. We said we need real campaign reform and a way of letting Americans hear the two best competing arguments.
TBTate Brady
Nobody could stand up to that kind of questioning.
You think that was brutal questioning?
ARAdam Roth
It really wasn't.
TBTate Brady
And you honestly believe the candidates would submit themselves to this?
ARAdam Roth
They should welcome it.
TBTate Brady
I don't believe what I'm hearing.
ARAdam Roth
Any candidate who can handle a cross is gonna find himself at the top of the polls in the morning. And we should welcome it 'cause it'll clear out the clown car and give us a serious discussion among serious candidates.
TBTate Brady
The only person who would welcome it is him. This is about him. He wants to look tough by making the candidates look like idiots.
ARAdam Roth
No, he doesn't. I have known this man for 25 years and I vouch--
TBTate Brady
I don't care what you vouch for. I am not allowing the goddamn press to make fools out of our candidates.
ARAdam Roth
I'll remember that the next time you bitch about how the press never vetted Obama.
TBTate Brady
[to Will] We're not agreeing to this format. You are going to abide by the rules that we give you and I don't want Mackenzie McHale producing it for you.
What are you talking about?
TBTate Brady
I want the old Will McAvoy. Not the thing she turned you into. I know all about that lady.
ARAdam Roth
Will, come on. You need the debate. Of course he can use Mackenzie.
These guys have been compromising and compromising all week so we could host a debate that made some sense and did some good.
TBTate Brady
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, because it was all for nothing.
TBTate Brady
No, we don't.
ARAdam Roth
They've got the independents.
TBTate Brady
He's not the only anchor at ACN. [marches out of office] Don Keefer.
TTate
How would you and Elliot Hirsch like to have one of the debates?
TTate
Mr. Skinner, I'm trying to be as-
When Don says, "Eat me," that's usually the end of the conversation.
TTate
Sloan Sabbith. You want to be a star?
TTate
[To Adam] I hate these guys. I don't know why you don't.
BBrian
He'll cave. He'll agree to the debate on their terms.
BBrian
You romanticize Will.
BBrian
That mock debate was about him. He was the star. He attacked his--
He didn't attack anybody. He asked questions that the candidates should be able to answer and that the voters should be able to hear them answer. He didn't cower and he wasn't Ed McMahon.
BBrian
Thinking there was even a remote chance--
BBrian
It wasn't naive, it was hubris.
It was gutsy and you're just jealous.
BBrian
Jealous of what? You know, fuck you, Mac. I've spent this week letting you kick my ass from here to the Chrysler Building because you were selling out every 15 minutes to get your hands on something you didn't get. And you were embarrassed by it in front of me. He doesn't want you.
Please don't talk about my personal life.
BBrian
I'm sort of a key player in it. Is it all right if I talk about my personal life? Yes, I broke up with you. I'm the first guy ever to break up with a woman. And then I came back. Also unprecedented. Did he come back?
BBrian
Seriously? After four years? In "Castaway," Helen Hunt got remarried in less time than-- I never would have gone with the Casey Anthony story. I don't care how much of my audience I was losing. And he's gonna cave on the debate, too.
BBrian
I am absolutely sure about that.
You know what I like about Will? He's not absolutely sure about anything. He struggles with things. He's never certain he's right and sometimes he's not. But he tries hard to be. He struggles with things.
[Will falls to the floor, struggling to get his pants on]
Could someone help Will put his pants on?
I'm gonna ask her to move in with me.
I see. First, let me say you made a very wise decision coming to me with this problem.
Well, let's see what I can do about that.
How would you want to be asked?
By having the guy say "Will you marry me?"
Okay, well, let's just take that off the table for the moment.
You know, if you're living together, it makes it harder to break up.
You've been no help at all.
Since I'm never going to see you again after Friday, I feel like I can tell you something.
Maybe not after I say what I'm going to say.
I don't know who told you you're a bad guy, but somebody did, somebody along the way. Somebody or something convinced you of it because you think you're a bad guy, and you're just not. I'm socially inept, but even I know that. So because you're a bad guy you try to do things you think a good guy would do, like committing to someone you like but maybe don't love. A sweet, smart, wholesome Midwestern girl. I could be wrong. I almost always am.
A lot of men are intimidated by my intelligence.
Because you never asked me out. Caught you off-guard, didn't I?
[after hearing about Maggie and Lisa] Do you want to end up like me and him?
Wasting time? And now he's practically dead.
I'm not practically dead.
Eat some Jell-O! You've got to do something before he asks her!
It doesn't seem like a very nice thing to do to Don. Or Maggie. Or Lisa!
So you're willing to end up like the two of us- a strong, beautiful, vital woman and a hollowed-out shell of a man?
That's a dead person speaking, basically. And now I'm gonna have to spend the next God knows how many hours in mourning.
[screaming at a Sex and the City tour bus] Hey! No, they didn't! I'm a typical single woman in New York City! I don't wear heels to work because the typical woman's job doesn't exclusively involve gallery openings. And I know Carrie must have made boatloads writing her 800-word column for a newspaper no one's ever heard of but I just spent my last seven dollars having a fight with my best friend who, by the way, is not available at 3:00 p.m. on a Wednesday to console me about some guy, because she, too, has a job. And mostly, when you fall for a guy and he's going out with your best friend, it doesn't work out. Things get really bad!
[On the Sex and the City tour bus, Jim, previously unseen, stands]
(horrified) No! No! [pause] I just...I was talking...about...other people! [she runs off]
[broadcasting] During Tea Party rallies and campaign speeches, we have been told that America was founded as a Christian nation, and that if the Founding Fathers were here today, they'd tell us so. Here's John Adams in the Treaty of Tripoli: "As the Government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion..." And here's Thomas Jefferson: "... That our civil rights have no dependence on our religious opinions." And here's the First Amendment to the US Constitution: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion." What's more frightening than the perversion of our great history is that sensible, smart, strong Republicans, the very men and women who should be standing up to radical fundamentalism, are so frightened of losing Primary battles to religious zealots that they've thrown in the towel on sanity. So we get this:
[cuts to a video of John McCain]
JMJohn McCain
Yes, the - the Constitution established the United States of America as a Christian nation.
[Back to Will]
It's ironic, because the biggest enemy of the phoney Republican isn't Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid or Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. It's this man. [a picture of Jesus flashes on the screen behind him] He said to heal the sick, feed the hungry, care for the weakest among us, and always pray in private.
[On the Tea Party's policies]
Ideological purity. Compromise as weakness. A fundamentalist belief in scriptural literalism. Denying science. Unmoved by facts. Undeterred by new information. A hostile fear of progress. A demonization of education. A need to control women's bodies. Severe xenophobia. Tribal mentality. Intolerance of dissent and a pathological hatred of the US government. They call themselves the 'Tea Party'. They can call themselves 'Conservatives', and they can even call themselves 'Republicans', though Republicans certainly shouldn't. But we should call them what they are - The American Taliban. And the American Taliban cannot survive if Dorothy Cooper is allowed to vote.
[to Jennifer] Don't be scared.
Just graduated Northwestern?
You asked me that moronic question and then my world came apart and she came here and I landed in the tabloids and I got death threats and my job is constantly in jeopardy and you ruined my life?
What the hell are you doing here?
I'm applying for an internship.
I watch the show and I read the "New York Magazine" article and I know what a greater fool is. And I want to be one.
"Camelot"- she's the kid at the end of "Camelot." Ask me again.
Ask me your idiot question again.
What makes America the greatest country in the world?
[To Jennifer] You do. [To Mac] Hire her.
