[tossing a grenade into Gordon's lap] May the floss be with you!
[As Joker and Harley escape, Batman hurls the grenade out the window and shields Gordon from the blast, then plucks out his gag.]
I REALLY hate these check-ups.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Harley cuddles up to the Joker wearing a nightgown]
[seductively] A-hem. [The Joker ignores her] A-HEM!
Go away! I'm busy.
Aww, c'mon, Mr. J., don't you wanna rev up your Harley? Vroom-vroom!
[The Joker pushes her aside, annoyed]
Batman was right! That teeth gag WAS predictable. Old hat. It's time I capped off our feud with his ultimate humiliation... followed by his deliciously delirious death.
Why don't ya just shoot him?
[appalled] "Just shoot him"?! Know this, my sweet: the death of Batman must be nothing less than a masterpiece! The triumph of my sheer comic genius over his ridiculous mask and gadgets!
Face it, Harls, this stinks! You're a certified nutso wanted in 12 states and hopelessly in love with a psychopathic clown! At what point did my life go Looney Tunes?
HQHarleen Quinzel
Care to tell me how this got in my office?
I put it there.
HQHarleen Quinzel
I think the guards would be interested to know you've been out of your cell.
If you really were going to tell, you already would have. You know, sweets, I like what I've heard about you, especially the name, Harleen Quinzel. Rework it a bit, and you get Harley Quinn.
HQHarleen Quinzel
Like the clown character, "Harlequin". I know. I've heard it before.
It's a name that puts a smile on my face. It makes me feel there's someone here I can relate to. Someone who might like to hear my secrets.
HQHarleen Quinzel
[voiceover] It took me three months to set up a session. I studied all his tricks and gimmicks, and felt I was ready for anything.
You know, my father used to beat me up pretty badly.
HQHarleen Quinzel
[voiceover] Anything except that.
Anytime I got out of line - POW! Or sometimes I would be just sitting there, doing nothing - BAM! Pops tended to favor the grape, you see.
HQHarleen Quinzel
[moved] Uh-huh.
There was only one time I ever saw dad really happy. He took me to the circus when I was 7. I still remember the clowns, running around and dropping their pants. [laughs] My old man laughed so hard, I thought he'd bust a gut. So, the very next night, I ran to meet him with his best Sunday pants around my ankles. "Hi, dad, look at me!" ZOOP! [drop his pants] Then, I took a big pratfall and tore the crotch clean out of his pants! [He starts laughing; Harleen Quinzel laughs along with him until tears show in her eyes]
...And then he broke my nose.
[Harleen abruptly stops laughing and looks at the Joker with concern]
But hey, that's the downside of comedy. You're always taking shots from people who just don't get the joke. Like my dad... [snarls] or Batman!
Knock, knock, puddin'. Say hello to your new, improved Harley Quinn!
Sweet dreams, sucker.
It's just me, B-Man. No Joker, no gas bombs, no city in peril - just you, that tank and me.
Why?
To show Mr. J I could really pull off one of his plans! See, he could never get these fishies to smile, but then I had the bright idea of hanging the victim - that's you - upside down. That way to you, it'll look like they're smiling! Clever?
[deadpan] Brilliant.
Yeah, yeah, I can tell you're less than thrilled. You know, for what it's worth, I actually enjoyed some of our romps. But there comes a time when a gal wants more, and now all this gal wants is to settle down with her loving sweetheart.
[incredulous] You and the Joker?
Right-a-rooney!
[Batman begins, amazingly, to laugh]
I've never seen you laugh before! I don't think I like it!
[Batman continues, laughing even louder, cynically, cruelly and sardonically]
[deeply unsettled] Cut it out! You're giving me the creeps!
You little fool! The Joker doesn't love anything except himself. Wake up, Harleen! He had you pegged for hired help the minute you walked into Arkham.
That's not... no. No! He told me things! Secret things he never told anybody!
Was it his line about the abusive father? [Harley looks shocked] Or the one about the runaway mom? He's gained a lot of sympathy with that one.
STOP IT! YOU'RE MAKING ME CONFUSED!
What was it he told that one parole officer? Oh, yes. "There was only one time I ever saw dad really happy. He took me to the ice show when I was seven..."
[Harley begins to sob]
[softly] The circus...he said it was the circus...
He's got a million of them, Harley.
[Harley pauses before wiping away her tears]
YOU'RE WRONG! MY PUDDIN' DOES LOVE ME, HE DOES! You're the problem! And now you're gonna die and make everything right!
[She starts to lower him into the tank, laughing softly.]
Except he'll never believe you did it.
[stops] Huh? Sure he will!
How's Joker going to know I'm really gone? All those fish will leave are scraps of bone and cloth. Anyone can fake that. [Harley's eyes flick to his utility belt, draped over a counter.] True, you've got my belt, but it's not the same as a body. He'll never buy it.
[Harley bites her nails nervously, pondering her next move.]
[The Joker is pacing restlessly back and forth, trying to think of a plan to kill Batman. He has hundreds of them written on paper, and tosses each one aside and deems it unusable. The telephone rings repeatedly in the background.]
Boring...lame...not funny...it's been done...too Riddler!
[The Joker, annoyed and angry, finally grabs the phone]
WHAT?!? ... [casually] Harley? Oh, where the heck have you been, hmm? Mm-hmm? Yeah, yeah... Batman, eh? You don't say... [suddenly sits bolt upright] YOU HAVE WHO TIED UP WHERE?!?
But puddin', I don't understand! Didn't you want to finally get rid of Batman?
Only if I do it, idiot!
But it's still your plan, see? [shows him his blueprints] Everything just like you said, except I hung the guy upside down so he sees the little frowns as little smiles! Now it all works!
Except you had to explain it to me! If you have to explain a joke, THERE IS NO JOKE! [tears up the blueprints in anger]
[grabbing a swordfish to defend herself] Now calm down, puddin'...
You've forgotten what I told you a long time ago. One of the painful truths of comedy: YOU ALWAYS TAKE SHOTS FROM FOLKS WHO JUST DON'T GET THE JOKE!
[He snatches the swordfish and whacks her with it, sending her tumbling out the window]
And don't call me "puddin'".
You know what they say: "a bat in the hand is worth two in the belfry." I guess you're going out on a laugh after all!
She almost had me, you know! Arms and legs chained, dizzy from the blood rushing to my head - I had no way out other than convincing her to call you. I knew your massive ego would never allow anyone else the honor of killing me. Though I have to admit, she came a lot closer than you ever did... "puddin'!"
[weakly] My fault...I didn't get the joke...
(Bandaged in bed at Arkham, after her fall from the window, thinking) Never again. No more obsession, no more craziness, no more Joker. I finally see that slime for what he is...a murderous, manipulative, irredeemable...
[Sees a single rose in a vase near her bed, with a note reading "Feel better soon. - J" attached]
[Smiling] angel!
TTerrorist
Let's make an example of this HERO. A very tragic example, I'm afraid, Miss...?
Lane.
TTerrorist
Lane? Lois Lane? The one Superman always saves?
'Fraid so.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The New Batman Adventures pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.