"Bludgeon my face in. Destroy me. Pull me apart like soft bread. Punch me in the...tits! Twist my head clean off and put me to sleep with your kind boots, Mr. Fancy Man."
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[in reference to his diet] "Head and Shoulders...Toothpaste...and shit...biiiiiiiiig pieces of shit."
I have ordered not one, not two, but three crates of poppers! We are having it large!
Where is Mrs. Harrison in all this?
She's staying with her sister in Bournemouth. I just have to find a quiet spot, tell her I'm going to bed at half nine and carte blanche! I am greenlit the whole way! Woohoo! Aw, you are so under the thumb it's frightening!
At least I've got a thumb!
[believing Lester to have been with his wife] Prepare to die, you prancing tit! [he beheads Lester] And let that be a lesson to the lot of you!
Dennis, you dimlo! What the fuck are you doing!? That's the wrong geezer!
Feel my multi-hexagonal textured alien barbed penis inside of you!
Hey, Moon, who are you? Zorro on Gay Night? [Howard says nothing.] Nice comeback.
MFMontgomery Flange
Lesson 49: Object Animation. What do you see in front of you?
A pencil.
MFMontgomery Flange
A pencil? No, no, no! Look, it's Niagara Falls, it's a seagull, it's cheese in the shape of a question mark! It's anything you bloody want it to be! You try!... Come on!
I don't know what to do. I can't make it into anything else. It's just a pencil, you stupid old git!
MFMontgomery Flange
Yes! You've found the truth! You're an actor now and I'm as hard as the cobra!
Vince & Howard [Crimping] Eagle claw, eagle claw. B-b-boing boing. Take the fashion coin. Store it in the pocket of your bumbag take it to Milan, take it to Japan, take it to the man with the fashion plan Jaquettie.
RRudi
[to a heckler] Shut your mouth, or I shall fly at you like a bag of cocks.
And you will receive him like a satchel of vaginas. Tag team putdowns.
[as a Russian woman] Last time you gave me pie, I cut into it with my tiny pie-cutter, and millions of birds flew out, hitting me in the eyes and the temples! I was confused! 'Twas a trick pie!
Why you no like my pie?
I just told you.
Why you no like my pie?! AAAAHHHH!
Why you bring me pie?!
Why you no like?!
Every day, fucking pastry goods with you!
Howard Moon: Jazz Maverick, Novelist, Cyclist, Genre-Spanner, Rider of the Penny Farthing, Stamp Collector...
[Introducing Vince] Vince Noir; Electro... Poof!
Two hundred years inside that box! For crimes against humanity! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I raped a dolphin. But technically it was a porpoise. But one blow-hole's the same as the next to me!
[Rudi and The Hitcher are swordfighting.]
RRudi
You'll never win, you know.
Oh, yeah? Why's that?
RRudi
I taught you everything you know
You might have taught me everything I know, but you didn't teach me everything you know.
RRudi
... What does that mean?
Rudi The Forest is a cheeky one tonight.
Ah, fuck it. [they continue to fight]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Mighty Boosh pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.