A character in The Middleman
Played by Matt Keeslar
The Middleman · 102 quotes
Most-quoted character in The Middleman: in 75 of its 102 quotes
Most scenes with: Wendy (26), Lacey (2)
The MiddlemanDubbie, I can badge my way into Fort Knox. I can talk my way into Lincoln's bedroom. But a sorority house? When it comes to that forbidden stronghold of femininity, I'm afraid penetration is nearly impossible.
That's not what I've heard about the Omegas! Oh!
Check this guy out. The Fabulous Face. He tries to replace everyone in the White House with evil doubles.
The MiddlemanAnd he succeeded, though no one seemed to notice at the time.
The Middleman(awkwardly) Dubbie...hey...
That's all, just "hey"?
The MiddlemanYes...hey. There's something we need to discuss. It involves your Middlewatch...and the Real-Time Situational Recording Archive.
Oh, you mean that thing on my wrist that records everything I...(horrified realization) Oh my God. You...you saw me and Tyler!
The MiddlemanNow...now, Dubbie, there is watching and there is seeing, and I did not watch. But I did see. It was a passing glance, really...although part of my training involves being able to memorize an entire scene with a single look...
AAAGGGHH!
The MiddlemanThere's a protocol called "Code 86". It's for when Middlemen need some private time.
You're just telling me about this now?!
The MiddlemanI didn't think you'd need it this soon!
Does it bother you? Having "Original Recipe" hanging around?
The MiddlemanHe's hardly original anything. He's just one in a long line, as am I, doing the job.
"The job" means that he's wearing a hook for a hand for the rest of his life. Why does he do it? Why do you do it? Can't retire happily, can't fall in love...
The MiddlemanCan't fall in love? Who told you that?
He did.
The MiddlemanIt's not impossible for us to find love. It's impossible for him.
Well...how come you aren't with anyone?
The Middleman(wistfully) My choices are my own. But rest assured, I've loved and been loved. If you can't find happiness, that's on you. Not the job or anyone else.
The MiddlemanIf you want to help Mr. Noser right now, you'll dedicate yourself mind, body , and soul to preventing undead creatures of the night from rising from the grave to suck him dry.
You don't talk to other humans much, do you?
The MiddlemanDubbie, did he just turn into a bat puppet?
Man, I don't even have an opinion.
The MiddlemanSon of a monkey's uncle, Wendy Watson, which part of "this is an emergency" didn't you get?
Wendy, why is your boss standing outside our door wearing a hazmat suit?
The MiddlemanI'm not gonna lie to you, Dubbie. The tailgate party's about to begin and we have a 10' manure hoagie on our hands.
What's with the salty language?
The MiddlemanVoyager 2 is rocketing back home, and it's coming in hotter than the devil's wedding tackle.
Whoa, that was filthy.
The MiddlemanIt's your chance to handle a piece of history, albeit through triple-strength prophylactics.
No. And please don't call them that.
The Middleman(stripped naked) There's no such thing as modesty when life and death are at stake. Now, quit your grinning and drop your linen.
I'm not grinning.
Can I say something?
The MiddlemanThat's what the Founding Fathers fought for.
What's up with the vents? I mean we're coming from an isolation chamber inside a secret headquarters built by an organization so covert we don't even know who they are. Yet somehow we have vents large enough to crawl into with accessible registers everywhere. Was this building designed by TV writers or what?
The MiddlemanNo, it wasn't.
The MiddlemanNanobots are strong, but you're smarter. It's like what Sensei Ping says about weasels.
They can easily hide in a tube sock?
The MiddlemanThat their love of battle is surpassed only by their love of shiny things."
Who leaves a palindrome?
The MiddlemanTypical supervillain horse feathers. Can't wait to hear this guy's monologue. "I am the Palindrome, feel my power! Power my feel, PALINDROME THE AM I!" Peter-pipin' weirdos.
The MiddlemanEyes without a face! Polydichloric Euthimal, you fool! Do you have any idea what you've done?!
What kind of grief counselors are you?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Middleman pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
