The Middleman quotes from The Middleman

The Middleman

Special Agent Watson, slacking off the dress code, I see.

Wendy

Oh, I don't do dress code after sundown.

The Middleman

It's bad apples like you that put Mr. Hoover in a dress.

The Middleman

You know how in comic books there's all kinds of mad scientists and aliens and androids and monsters, and all of them either want to destroy or take over the world?

Wendy

In comic books, sure.

The Middleman

Well it really does work like that.

Wendy

Get out.

The Middleman

You already forgot what you saw?

Wendy

And you're the superhero?

The Middleman

I never wear tights.

Wendy

I'm crushed.

Wendy

...and [rule] three, you don't date my roommate. Got it?

The Middleman

That's just mean. I'm single. I'm eligible!

Wendy

Just drive.

The Middleman

Are you ashamed of me?

The Middleman

(about Wendy's worries for Lacey) I can see this development is upsetting, but I must remind you to...

Wendy

(interrupting) ... Delay any emotional reaction until we've safely delivered the Earth from peril. I got it without the lecture

The Middleman

Caffeine is a drug, Dubbie.

Wendy

I'm holding a molecular stun cannon.

Wendy

Shouldn't it be "Middleperson" or "Middlewoman"?

The Middleman

We did have a Middleboy once.

Wendy

What does that make me, the "Middlegirl"?

The Middleman

What is this device?

Wendy

Uhh, it's the thingy you point at things with.

The Middleman

This is the BTRS scanner.

Wendy

And BTRS stands for…?

The Middleman

Beyond the Realm of Science. As in, this machine scans for things that are…

Wendy

Beyond the Realm of Science? Wow. Handy.

The Middleman

I know you and I have been through Hell and back together…

Wendy

I thought Hell and the Underworld were two different things?

Wendy

So did I ace it, or did I ace it?

The Middleman

There's acing it, and there's what you did. Kind of like shooting a cow with a Howitzer.

Wendy

I would never shoot a cow.

The Middleman

My gut says we may be dealing with the seminal stages of a zombie outbreak.

Wendy

Entrail-ripping brain-chewing zombies?

The Middleman

The very same.

Wendy

Cool.

The Middleman

Do you not realize how serious a zombie outbreak is? A Middleman once died in a zombie outbreak only to come back as a zombie, his own Middleman in Training had to shoot him in the head. Do you want to shoot me in the head?

Wendy

Well, no.

The Middleman

But I've always been fascinated by the ability of preassembled sets of submasculine archetypes to tug at the heartstrings of a 12-to-17-year-old fanbase.

Wendy

Funny, I've always been fascinated by their ability to bring up my lunch.

The Middleman

Dubbie, before I activate this, I have one question. Answer truthfully: are you pregnant?

Wendy

Are you kidding?!

The Middleman

I'm as serious as Mao Tse-Tung's heart attack!

Wendy

No!

The Middleman

Is there any chance you might be pregnant?

Wendy

Only with anticipation at what you're gonna do with that tube-y gizmo thingie.

The Middleman

Seriously, Dubbie! No chance?

Wendy

I'm pretty sure-

The Middleman

Pretty sure's not sure!

Wendy

Look! Do you want me to go into the stark and gore-less details of my post-Ben dry spell? Where all I see when I look at a guy are the 422 pressure points I know to incapacitate him?

The Middleman

...okay. (activates the device)

Lacey

What do you do for a living?

The Middleman

We are international consultants that solve exotic problems for corporations, individuals and even governments. Obviously our clients often prefer anonymity.

Lacey

That's so clear... concise.

The Middleman

We're agents Boetticher and Kennedy from American Shrimp and Crab Amalgamed Processors. Law enforcement branch.

ASCAP?

The Middleman

We avoid using the acronym for copyright reasons.

Wendy

But, uh, whenever unexpected shrimp or crab appear in the context of a homicide, we're not far behind.