Jen Barber quotes from The IT Crowd

Roy

I'm going to go dance at the front.

Jen

Aren't you a bit old for the front?

Roy

I'm 32!

Good for you, mate!

Jen

Someone told me I need a browser on my computer. Could you install one, please?

Roy

You don't have a browser on your comput- [notices a chiming noise] What is - what is that sound? Is that coming from your laptop? It's not supposed to sound like... [goes round and sees that Jen's laptop is infested with malware] What the- what's all that crap!? [points to one] How long has that been - I haven't seen that one since the nineties! [goes to pick it up] Oh, Jen, I have to fix this.

Jen

[grabbing it back] No, no, leave it. I have it how I like it.

Roy

"How you like it!?" No no no, Jen, it's infected. If this was a human being, I'd shoot it in the face.

Moss

What kind of operating system does it use?

Err... it's... Vista!

Moss

We're going to die!

Roy

[quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?

What?

Roy

[quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?

...what?

Roy

[agitated] HAVE YOU TRIED...TURNING IT OFF, AND ON AGAIN?!

Jen

[shrieks, then turns to the Police] I just won 100 quid.

Moss

[Jen enters room] Oh Jen, exciting news! I've just uploaded the second episode of my board games review show! Care to have a look.

Jen

[Looking displeased] That was fast. Seems like only yesterday, we had to sit through the last one.

Moss

[Incredulously] It was three months ago!

Roy

[Angrily] That fella shouldn't be allowed to be a barista!

Jen

Why not?

Roy

Because he's too small Jen. He's clearly too small to be a barista!

Jen

[Looks at Roy and shakes her head]

Roy

What?

Jen

You're being a bit of a small-person-racist Roy.

Roy

[Shakes head] A small-person-racist? That's not a thing.

Douglas

What's your beef with the homeless?

Jen

I don't have any homeless beef.

Douglas

Ah, so it's women you hate! Well, that I can understand.

Jen

I would never throw coffee over a homeless woman.

Roy

And I would never abuse a small person. Certainly not enough to make a van with tits hit him. [beat] Although, I suppose I sort of did.

Jen

I sort of did my one too.

Roy

It's frustrating that we did both of our things.

Douglas

What the hell were you thinking? I told you to keep a low profile and you do it again!

Jen

No, no, no, no, no, it's new footage, Mr Reynholm.

Douglas

Bum your excuses! Reynholm Industries has a reputation to uphold. We're not News International, for Christ's sake!

Jen

I can't believe she's still with you.

Roy

Yeah, I suppose. But I'm hanging on by a thread, Jen! I think I'll just get through it as long as nothing else bad happens. [The phone on Roy's desk starts ringing] There's the phone now...

Roy

[casually] Hey baby.. Yeah, of course! Yeah, absolutely. OK. Bye-Bye!

Jen

She left you?

Roy

She did.

Jen

See what we can do when we work together? With my business acumen..

Moss

..And my scientific know how..

Roy

..And I'm also here..

Jen

..We can do anything!

YEAH [Jump in cliche excitement]