I've only ever said "I love you" to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like "rat" and "Jason," but I know a little wisdom I can give you.
I know everything that happened in your life, and it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.
Let's not get all caught up on who lied to who or which one of us created an entire fake reality in order to cause eternal misery for the others. That's ancient history.
It was happening until 20 seconds ago.
You know, believe it or not, I actually found myself in a very similar situation a few years ago, except in that instance, Michael was Javier Bardem and the Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room.
What do we do?
We team up with Michael.
Okay, hot take, but I like your confidence. Tell me why.
He has a bow tie.
Oh, no.
I always trust dudes in bow ties. Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me at the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station and said he'd give me $600 if I put these weird turtles in my duffle bag and brought them to Daytona Beach. So I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona and the guy paid me the $600. My point is, you always trust dudes in bow ties.
[a beat; Eleanor slaps Jason]
I'll tell you what I want to know right now before we go any further. Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?
[chuckles] Oh, you're serious. Uh, no.
Will they ever win the Super Bowl?
Jason, I can't predict the future. But no. They won't.
I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to - the hanging bits.
Gross.
Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor. I was talking about my testicles.
We're running out of time, and I'm your only option.
"We're running out of time and I'm your only option?" A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close. But I never settled for them. Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, he was obsessed with me and he never slept because he was addicted to Adderall. There is always another option.
HHost
Tahani Al-Jamil, social activist, philanthropist, neck model and now cover girl for "International Sophisticate Magazine."
Oh, it's such an honor. I have long dreamt of being one of the women or yachts who grace your cover.
HHost
Let's begin with your sister, Kamilah. A woman who, as you know, was offered the spot on our cover, but turned it down.
[annoyed] I actually didn't know that. Please, carry on.
HHost
Well, next week, Kamilah will travel to Cleveland, Ohio to become the youngest person ever inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Remarkable.
...Is there a question?
HHost
Don't you find that remarkable?
Kamilah is very impressive. As you know, she released her debut album only six months ago and yet, the critics thought it was so brilliant that the Hall of Fame decided to waive its 25 year waiting period. Sadly, I will not be attending the ceremony because I will be in Haiti on a relief mission. Perhaps we should talk more about that.
HHost
Perhaps we should. But first, another question about Kamilah. Don't you think she and I would be friends? We have a lot in common, we are both Capricorn, and we're both only children.
...
HHost
I'm sorry, I forgot about you.
Oh, no. I died in Cleveland?
I don't think that should be your biggest takeaway from that story.
How long do you have to know someone before you do the right thing?
Nine weeks, minimum.
I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream-
Yeah and we're an Arizona dirtbag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.
And who am I? Describe me now!
Vicky may be some demonic torturer from the netherworld, but does she have taste? Sophistication? An encyclopedic knowledge of traditional and avant-garde Belgian floral design?
Yes! She does.
Janet, when I turned 18, I knelt in front of Princess Grace's dress mausoleum, and I swore to uphold the Hostess Code: "I, Tahani Al-Jamil, shall do my level best to make every event too much."
Michael is not into your class. Right now, I'm the best student. I'm going to be the velociraptor.
Are you trying to say "valedictorian?"
No.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Good Place pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.