The all-American dish for the all-American hero, (everybody cheers) hot Hungarian goulash!
Since when is Hungarian goulash American?
Since Zsa Zsa Gabor became a citizen.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Bobby doesn't want to be with Peter, whom he's at odds with]
Wanna play a game or something, Alice?
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Bobby, not tonight. I gotta go to bed early, I didn't sleep very well last night.
Why not?
Well, I stayed up half the night, watching one of those TV horror movies, "The Demon That Devoured Detroit", gave both of us heartburn. [leaves, Greg comes in]
Wanna watch some TV with me, Greg?
Sorry, I got a date. I'll see you later.
[Bobby walks into the living room, seeing his sisters leaving]
Hey, where are you going?
We're gonna spend the night at my friend Helen's house.
How come?
That wallpaper post made our room smell too icky.
Have fun. [the girls leave]
Yeah. Whoopee.
[Mike and Carol are leaving]
Good night, son.
Don't stay up past your bedtime.
I might as well go to sleep right now; there's nobody around here to do anything with.
Oh, now, Bobby, Peter's home.
That's the same thing as being alone.
[Bobby is practicing playing "Yankee Doodle" on a portable organ, Peter and Cindy look on]
How am I doing now?
It still sounds awful, but you're playing a lot faster.
So it's awful for less time.
Hardy-har-har.
PMrs. Payne
My husband and I have even managed to be cordial to the Shapiros down the street.
KKen
Well, congratulations, you've just received the "Neighbor of the Year" award.
PMrs. Payne
I consider that remark uncalled for!
KKen
If nobody calls for it in 30 days, it's all yours, baby!
KKKathy Kelly
[Talking about Mrs. Payne] She makes Archie Bunker sound like a liberal!
[Bobby and Cindy are playing checkers on Cindy's bed, Jan walks in]
I win.
Maybe Bobby cheated.
Did you cheat?
No, Jan just got a big mouth and bad eyes.
He didn't really cheat, Cindy.
Then why did you say that?
It's a debating tactic. I force Bobby into defending himself by accusing him of something.
I get enough accusing around here from mom and dad.
Hey, you two accuse me of something and I'll defend myself.
Okay. I accuse you.. of being weird. [leaves the room]
I'm on the debating team at school and I really need practice. Choose a subject and pick a side.
Okay. I pick Bobby's side, you are weird. [leaves]
Won't anybody around here debate me? [picks up Cindy's Kitty Karry-All doll] You, pick a side.
Peter, will you be our judge?
For what?
Bobby and I made a bet on who's the best bike rider.
What did you bet?
Same thing as Greg and Marcia. The person who comes closer to the stopline without going over wins.
And the loser has to do the winner's chores for a whole year.
Well, first you better look at something, Bobby. [points to Greg doing ironing]
Ain't too easy to beat a dumb ol' girl anyway. [leaves]
Chicken.
[Peter and Bobby are camping out in the backyard, waiting for their "UFO" to appear]
Hey, did the UFO land yet?
No, do you see one?
Oh, well we thought that maybe you hid it in your sleeping bags.
Look, if you just came out here to make jokes, you can leave.
Yeah!
Oh, we believe in flying objects, Peter.
It's just that flying objects don't believe in us.
[hops up] Listen, if you guys aren't out of here in three seconds, you're both gonna be flying objects!
Ooh, quiver!
Quake, quake!
Blast off!
[Greg and Marcia were playing a trick on Peter and Bobby with the "UFO"]
Anybody for more flapjacks? Right off the grill and still flappin'?
Oh yeah, Alice!
Me too.
No, I gotta get going.
Same here.
Aren't you gonna stick around and see how Peter and Bobby's UFO pictures turned out?
No, in their case I think "UFO" means "Undoubtedly Flipped Out".
Hey Alice, if any space creatures do show up, give them some flapjacks and tell them to stick around for a while.
[Carol broke the news to the kids that their cousin Oliver will come to live with them]
Hey Cindy, now you and me won't be the youngest, we'll have somebody to push around.
[The boys' room, Oliver is snoring loudly]
[annoyed] Hey, Pete! Pete, you sleeping?
Are you kidding? Who can sleep with that buzz-saw going?
Yeah, for a little guy, he sure snores big.
Sounds like the MGM Lion.
How are we going to get any sleep?
I've read once where you can stop people from snoring by rolling them over. Let's try it.
All right.
[Peter and Bobby try to roll Oliver over]
He's heavier than he looks.
[Peter and Bobby fall on the floor, breaking the lamp on nightdesk]
OOliver
Would you guys be a little bit more quiet? A guy can't get any sleep around here!
[Marcia and Jan try to find out if Cindy is snooping in Marcia's diary]
[They enter Peter and Bobby's room]
Passing through.
Gotta use the bathroom.
You got a door on your side!
It's stuck! [The girls get into the bathroom]
Now I know why hermits want to be hermits.
[The girls return from the bathroom, the same way]
Passing through.
What is this, a freeway?
Oh, we just couldn't stand being away from you two beautiful people.
[The girls leave, Peter blocks the door with a chair]
[Cindy and Oliver arrive home with a record album, Peter and Bobby are playing football in the yard]
Hey, what's in the bag?
A record album.
What kind?
The round kind.
OOliver
With a hole in the middle.
[laughs sarcastically] Very funny. Let's see it. [tries to grab the album from Cindy, but Cindy snatches it back]
What's the big secret?
You know what the secret is.
OOliver
Yeah, and you guys better treat Cindy nice! She's gonna be rich and famous and I'm gonna help her!
What are you two gonna do, rip off a bank?
Yeah, Bonnie and Clyde! [The older boys laugh]
[sarcastically] Very funny.
OOliver
Yeah! [leaves inside with Cindy]
Bobby! Bobby, where are you?! Come on out, you can't hide forever!
[Enters the room, while Greg is looking under the bunk bed] Hey Greg, what are you doing down here?
[Emerges] Looking for Bobby, I'm gonna clobber him!
What... [Laughs] Hey, do you know your hair is orange? [Greg fumes] What happened?
Bobby's hair tonic!
You sure could be a stand-out student at graduation! [Laughs]
Very funny. [Leaves the room, goes to the girls' room] Has either of you seen Bobby?
Greg! What happened to your hair?
Bobby's hair tonic!
Bobby's hair tonic? You mean you actually bought some of that junk?
Only because I felt kinda sorry for him. But now I really feel sorry for him, 'cause he's about to have a fatal accident!
[The girls laugh]
[Pretends to offer Greg her orange sweater] Greg, do you want to borrow this for your graduation? It will match your hair!
Now wait a minute, you two, let's not have any bloodshed!
Yeah, especially my blood! [Greg attempts to lunge at him, Carol tries to keep him apart]
Greg, stop it!
Well, what am I gonna do about my hair?!
Well, I don't know, leave your brother alone, we'll try to figure something out! [Turns to Bobby] I knew something like this was gonna happen, Bobby!
Well, why didn't you tell me?!
Well, here, let me see the bottle. [Takes the bottle] There's an address here! Now look, why don't we call the Neat & Natural Hair Tonic company, maybe this happened to some of their other customers.
Good thinking, mom!
Yeah, good thinking. Look, I'll try information.
I'm really sorry, I mean, I didn't know something like this was gonna happen!
Yeah, I guess you couldn't know.
Of course, it could have been worse!
I'd like to know how!
It could have turned green!
Thanks, you're real company!
[on the phone] I see. Yeah. Thank you, operator. [Hangs up phone] Well, the Neat & Natural Company had it's phone disconnected. Oh, Bobby, I knew it was gonna be some sort of shady outfit!
I was really a jerk to fall for the ad in the magazine.
What am I gonna do about tomorrow, mom? It's graduation!
Well, Greg, have you tried to wash that stuff out of your hair?
No, I've been too busy looking for this... dumbhead! For your sake, it better work! [Leaves]
Oh, Bobby. Better say your prayers.
[In the attic, Greg tries washing his hair]
It didn't work. I washed it five times and it didn't work.
Well, at least you've got squeaky clean hair. I bet it grows out in 6-8 months.
Fantastic. Now what do I do in the meantime?
Well, you could shave your head and pretend you're a bowling ball. [Leaves, to Carol] He looks like Lucille Ball!
It didn't wash out, huh honey?
If anything, it got brighter orange.
Well look, I called the Better Business Bureau about that Neat and Natural Hair Tonic Company.
What did they say?
The FDA closed them down.
Oh well, now's a great time to find out.
Well, there is one consolation. I mean, outside of the color, it's not gonna hurt your hair or your scalp.
Well, what about graduation? I can't go out in public like this!
Well, I do have a solution. It might be a little embarrassing, but I think it'll work.
Mother, I couldn't possibly get any more embarrassed than I already am.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Brady Bunch pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.