Leonard: Alright, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins. Any questions? [Sheldon raises his hand] Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Five what?

Leonard: Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Sheldon: Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.
Raj: The only thing missing from that insult was yo mama!
Howard: I got one. Hey Leonard, yo mama's research methodology's so flawed...
Leonard: Shut up Howard! Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon: No we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional.

Leonard: Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
Barry: What's wrong with him?
Raj: He's depressed, because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.
Barry: We're all pathetic and cweepy and can't get girls. That's why we fight wobots. If you're not there, you'll be exposed to widicule.
Raj: [addressing Barry's rhotacism] I'm curious, what part of America is that accent from?

Leonard: Do you know what baffles me, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Based on your academic record, a number of things, I would imagine.

Leonard: Hello Leslie.
Leslie: Hi Leonard.
Leonard: I'd like to propose an experiment��
Leslie: Goggles, Leonard.
Leonard: Right. I would like to propose an experiment.
Leslie: Hang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a 500-kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my Cup o' Noodles.
Leonard: I've done it. About two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.
Leslie: Wait, are you asking me out?
Leonard: I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague-slash-friendship paradigm with the addition of a date-like component, but we don't need to quibble over terminology.
Leslie: What sort of experiment?
Leonard: There's a generally accepted pattern in this area. I would pick you up. Take you to a restaurant. Then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.
Leslie: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the biochemical reaction during the good night kiss?
Leonard: Heart rate, pheromones, et cetera. Yes.
Leslie: Why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable?
Leonard: You mean kiss you now?
Leslie: Yes.
Leonard: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?
Leslie: Closed-mouth but romantic. Mint?

Leonard: Hey, where've you been?
Sheldon: I was talking with Penny.
Howard: What's wrong with you? You can't hang out with your roommate's ex. That's totally uncool.
Leonard: No, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it.
Raj: Yeah, he's over it; that's why he's been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard: [to himself] So would Ben Affleck. [to Sheldon] The point is, in a situation like this, you gotta pick sides. You're either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.
Sheldon: Which one picks last?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Usually, I'm on the team that picks last��unless there's a kid in a wheelchair.

Leonard: I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, newsflash, Lady. David Underhill is ten times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike in his brain for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I am like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So my question is, what's up with that?
Penny: [crying] Why are you yelling at me?
Leonard: Sorry! I'm sorry sorry. Never mind. We're cool.
Penny: Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.
Leonard: [chuckling] Really? Why would you say that?
Penny: Because. A smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
Leonard: He tried to take nude photos of you?
Penny: [screaming] That's what you took from that?! The guy is married!
Leonard: Oh yeah. I'm sorr��oh, that's terrible!

Leonard: I've always been a little confused about this -- why don't Hindus eat beef?
Raj: We believe cows are gods.
Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism cattle are thought to be like gods.
Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out, I swear to cow!

Leonard: Morning, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, good. You're up. I've written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I'd like you to sign it.
Leonard: Why would I want to do that?
Sheldon: Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"?
Leonard: Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterprise and kill them both unless he gave in?
Sheldon: Affirmative. [Turns to laptop] Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. [laptop beeps in response] Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.
Voice from laptop: Self-destruct sequence activated.
[Sheldon turns the laptop toward Leonard and Priya, showing a timer counting down from one minute]
Leonard: What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment?
Sheldon: That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.
Priya: So what happens when it counts down?
Sheldon: Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next��[checks timer] 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you're in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-Marshmallow-Fluff Leonard Hofstadter.
Priya: [worried] Oh, my God.
Leonard: What's the big deal?
Priya: Trust me, it's a big deal.
Leonard: They're gonna find out about me eventually, right?
Priya: Yeah, of course, just not today.
Sheldon: 20 seconds.
Leonard: Are you ashamed of me?
Priya: Of course not.
Leonard: Then why can't we just tell your parents?
Priya: Please don't push this.
Sheldon: He does that all the time, doesn't he? 15.
Priya: Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.
Leonard: No, he's bluffing.
Sheldon: I never bluff. 10.
Leonard: It's blackmail!
Sheldon: 9.
Priya: We give up.
Sheldon: 8.
Leonard: [unhooking the laptop] This is ridiculous.
Sheldon: It's a laptop with a full charge. [to Priya] Honestly, what do you see in him?
Priya: Okay, give him what he wants or we're done.
Sheldon: 3.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: 2.
Leonard: Okay, I'll sign it!
[Sheldon hits a key and places a pen on the agreement]
Voice from laptop: Self-destruct sequence aborted.
Sheldon: [to Priya as he stands up and leaves] You may have gone to Cambridge, but I'm an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.

Leonard: My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and my being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: That's so silly.
Sheldon: It's actually based on very sound theories; his mother published a paper on it.
Penny: What was it called, I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake?
Sheldon: It was obviously very effective. Leonard grew up to become an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: Well, I love birthdays: waking up to mom's special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends...
Penny: Yeah! See? That's what kids should have!
Howard: Actually, that was last year...

Leonard: Raj, what are you doing?
Raj: I couldn't find you guys, so I bought six new friends. Three sadly are dead.

Leonard: Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon: No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.
Leonard: You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.
Sheldon: My point.

Leonard: So, how do you two know each other?
Missy: Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: She's my twin sister. She thinks she's funny, but frankly, I've never been able to see it.
Missy: That's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.
Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A 'humormometer'?

Leonard: So, uh, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?
Penny: Oh, that's a good question. How about "awkward'?
Leonard: That sounds right. [pauses] Hey, how about if we pretend we're actually on a first date? See how that goes.
Penny Okay.
Leonard: So, Polly, tell me about yourself.
Penny It's Penny.
Leonard: Oh sorry, yeah, awkward...
Penny: [laughs] Okay let's see, I'm from Nebraska, and ever since I was little girl I dreamed of moving to LA and becoming a movie star, anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I've done a hemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above the bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true! Your turn!
Leonard: Ah, let's see, I am an experimental physicist at CalTech. Most of my research is with high-powered lasers and, oh, I've just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.
Penny Wow! Can they?
Leonard: Oh, God no! [Penny laughs] The money's pretty good, and I use the equipment to make my own Bat Signal.
Penny: [laughs] Bat Signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?
Leonard: Not "some kind of nerd", I am the king of nerds!
Penny: [laughs] What does that mean?
Leonard: Uh, it means, if anyone displeases me, I don't help them set up their printer.
Penny: [laughs] You are so funny!
Leonard: Good! Remember that when I take my shirt off.

Leonard: Some mornings, I'll just mosey down to the third floor in my pajamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Sheldon: Really? I've never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Leonard: She doesn't like you.
[later]