[As Stella] "I can't do anything for myself, I need it all spoon fed to me. [starts making gestures] Where's my spoon? Where's my spoon?"
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I don't really want to introduce myself in German as then I'd be Herr Baggs.
(after firing Christopher) I'm, sick and tired of looking at the pair of you. I don't want to see you in this boardroom again because it's getting untenable.
CFChristopher Farrell
I tell you what. Get an extinguisher, and put me out!
(Pleading to Lord Alan Sugar) If I work for you it's not going to be from 9 to 5, and I know some people think that. I'll be in the office weekends, even on a Sunday. I'll work for you 24/7.
Lord Sugar: I don't need a night watchman.
Stuart Baggs: Listen, I will make you so proud of me.
Lord Sugar: Uh, I hear your enthusiasm you know? Great enthusiasm. A fly's got enthusiasm but it doesn't stop headbutting the window!
Stuart Baggs: Ok, well since I've been in this process I've had 10 weeks and let me tell you, every night I've been thinking of new business ideas that I really want to develop. Let's start a new company, and not only will you be able to put me in an existing one, I can run one for you. I want you to wake up in the morning, and check the bank balance and think "He has made me millions" and I won't be happy with myself unless I've done that for you.
Lord Sugar: That is such outrageous promises that you can't guarantee!
Stuart Baggs: I’m not a one-trick pony. I’m not a ten-trick pony. I’ve got a field of ponies waiting to literally run towards this.
(After Stuart Baggs' "over the top" pony plea) There you are ladies, there's a gentleman that's put his plea forward. He's going to make me millions of millions of pounds in a business that he doesn't know what we're gonna be in yet, and that's a hard one to counter don't you think?
(To an audience of tourists) On our left is the River Thames. It's the second largest river in London.
(To an audience of tourists) Straight ahead of you we've got Big Ben. The face of the clock is twenty diameters in width.
[trying to poach tourists from the other team]Hi guys, can I interest you in a tour?
Joanna Riley: What the hell is going on?
Chris Bates: Stuart, seriously, fuck off.
Stuart Baggs: Seriously, you fuck off, this is our pitch.
Chris Bates: It's not, this is the north area!
Stuart Baggs: Go on, hit me then.
Chris Bates: I'm not going to hit you, I'm just saying to get off our fucking patch!
Stuart Baggs: You mouth off, you mouth off, but why don't you back it up with something?
Chris Bates: Oh shut up, you fat twat. Why don't you fuck off down there? Fucking dickhead.
Stuart Baggs: That's not very professional, is it?
Joanna Riley: Just ignore him, he's not worth it!
Stuart Baggs: [to camera] It seems a bit weak if you've got to swear a lot, you know? Not very professional.
(after Stuart puts his hand out to have it shaken)
Sir down please.
(reading from Stuart's CV) "I'm Stuart Baggs, The Brand"
Stuart Baggs: Yeah.
Claude Littner: What on Earth are you talking about?
Stuart Baggs: Well...
Claude Littner: You're a 21 year old kid. You're not a brand!
Stuart Baggs: Well I think, when you look at what a brand means, it is...
Claude Littner: No, don't tell me what a brand means, okay? You are not a brand, you're not a brand!
Stuart Baggs: I think I might be.
Claude Littner: Fine. Let's explore this a bit further then? Why would somebody, as successful, as innovative, as...
Stuart Baggs: Yeah?
Claude Littner: ...big a dreamer, as a brand, as you? Why would you want to have a job with Lord Sugar?
Stuart Baggs: Because at the minute, I'm a big fish in a small pond.
Claude Littner: You're not a big fish. You're not a big fish. You're not even a fish!
Stuart Baggs: (After the interview with Claude) Alright guys? Felt like I'd knocked on his door and said "Sorry Claude, I've run over your dog!"
(to Stuart) The thing is, is that my four advisers looked at me in this boardroom earlier today. They said to me that... you're full of shit, basically. And, possibly, you have been, throughout the whole course of this process. And do you know what annoys me even more Stuart? What annoys me more, that if I've misunderstood you with your claims and everything else that you've said that you've done, and someone like Liz last week left the process, I feel even further sick.
Stuart Baggs: Mm-hm.
Lord Sugar:Yeah!
Stuart Baggs:Well, it's not the case...
Lord Sugar: Well it is the bloody case!
Stuart Baggs: (pleading to Lord Sugar one last time) I can show you, everything I've done.
Lord Sugar: No, I don't believe a word you say, Stuart now. I'm annoyed with myself Stuart, I'm annoyed with myself that you have been allowed to come this far through the process and that is the first time that this weakness has come out. I'm annoyed with myself. Stuart, you are fired!
Stuart Baggs: (accepting defeat) Thanks for the opportunity Lord Sugar.
(Having witnessed what he has seen, Chris pulls on his shirt collar as Stuart leaves the boardroom in disgrace)
(After listening to Lord Sugar's condemnation of Stuart the remaining candidates show signs of relief in particular Chris and Jamie. Chris feels his shirt collar whilst Jamie sighs with relief.)
Lord Sugar: (carrying on the boardroom as if Stuart never existed) Well, we're down to the last four. Two more people are going to leave the process today.
If I asked "What is the most interesting thing about you?" "I own three properties in the UK, two in Cyprus and a Porsche all before the age of 25. Did I mention I have a third nipple?"
Jamie Lester: Third nipple! (laughs)
Margaret Mountford: Yes. You're laughing! I'm not!. One or two pages later on, "What's the worst lie you've ever told?" "That I have a third nipple!" Is that supposed to make me laugh?
Jamie Lester: No, it's just...
Margaret Mountford: Think of a word that applies to that statement.
Jamie Lester: Stupid.
Margaret Mountford: Puerile!
(to Jamie before firing him) Jamie, I think you've come to the end of the road. I'm letting you go. Jamie, You're Fired.
Stuart, you're blagging to me. I know what ISP is. It's an Internet Service Protocol. And that's what you're providing. It's not a telecoms operating licence. It's a protocol that allows telecoms over bandwidths. (in reality the "P" in ISP stands for "Provider")
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Apprentice pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.