TV show quotes
Kid Kool is a game that's so bad, you wouldn't want to go wipe your ass on it. Your worst fucking enemies don't deserve to play this accursed, foul piece of garbage! Satan doesn't even have any games in Fuck that are as wretched as this putrid shitload of fuck!
There's parts where you have to get over water and the only way to do this is to master the fragile art of skipping across on your butt. Think it looks easy? It's not.
What is the deal with this? Did the programmers have any clue how to make a video game? You're not supposed to have the game stop in mid-jump to reorient the screen! That is so irritating! How are you supposed to make a jump when the screen keeps jolting up and down!? How are you supposed to stomp on enemies!? Look at this! Look at this! We'll call it "air suspension fuck-lift".
So that's Kid Kool for you. It seems to deliberately follow the guidelines for making an unholy disaster of a game. It has one-way bullshit, two-gear diarrhea, it's heavy on the jump-fuckness, with loads of topside aquatic ass, it has frequent air suspension shit-lifts, a ton of inviso-bitches, and some free-falling fuckballs for good measure. How did they make the game this bad!? It's clearly untested and rushed beyond belief. There couldn't have been that big a demand for Kid Kool. What was the hurry? In order to do something good, it takes time.
I went through all that torture just to be given the middle-finger salute!? This is a perfect example of a game that's been ruined by control. Control! And that's the hardest part to explain because unless you've played the game, you don't really understand. I mean, maybe you've played other games with horrible control like Karate Champ, or Dr. Claw's Dump n' Pump, but those don't compare. Playing this is like trying to thread a needle while it's spinning on a record player. It's like trying to drive a car blindfolded. You would NOT want to try that, nor would you want to try this game! Kid Kool is not cool! [the Nerd blindly throws the game over his shoulder, and by chance it lands into a garbage bin, to his astonishment.]
[he excitedly holds the box of NES games] If this box contains what I think it does, then this will be the greatest moment in my career as a game collector. I bought this from an eBay auction. The seller gave a list of games included; mostly NES games that I own already. But there's one that caught my attention: Nintendo World Championships. Under normal circumstances, this particular game would cost a fortune. The seller probably had no idea what they had, and that happens sometimes. They're trying to get rid of some old games at a flea market or a yard sale or something, and they don't realize that what they're selling happens to be one of the most rare NES games in existence. Nintendo World Championships was never sold in stores. It was a specially-made game cartridge used as part of a gaming competition. Remember the 1989 movie, The Wizard with the big game tournament? Well, this was a real-life version inspired by the movie. The competition was part of a big festival called Powerfest in 1990. It was divided into age groups. Each winner got a cash prize of $10,000, and took home other goodies. The finalists each got to keep their own copy of the game. But there was another version made in gold. The gold cartridges are even more rare. Only 26 were made, and given out as part of a random prize giveaway in Nintendo Power magazine. Also, the red label only existed in the promo pics. The actual games were all gold with a cheap logo glued on that's been cut out with scissors. The whereabouts of these games remain largely unknown. But, in recent years, many of them have show up in auctions, commanding huge prices. But there's still more out there. Um, there were other Nintendo contests like Campus Challenge, two of them, and the Super Nintendo Powerfest '94 competition. But Nintendo World Championships seems to be the most famous, and is considered the Holy Grail among NES collectors. Could I have one of these in my possession right now? Let's find out! [starts opening up box with excitedly] Oh, boy, I can't wait! It's, I wonder, it's probably the grey one. But who knows? It might even be the gold one! [anxiously opens box and digs through cartridges, and unveils game labeled "NWC1990"; Nerd is excited until the camera zooms in on the game's text "Reproduction Cartridge", and the Nerd's joy slowly fades] This is a reproduction cart. Anybody can get these. Worth about $50. [he sighs, stands up, and walks to game shelves] Well, at least I can still say, "I own Nintendo World Championships". [he places the reproduction cartridge into his game shelf] It's not the real thing. I'll never own a complete NES collection. Wait a minute. I know somebody who might own a real NWC. Yeah, somebody who's as obsessed with game collecting as I am, and when it comes to NES, he's even more crazy.
[on the phone with Pat the NES Punk, discussing the authentic copy of the game in Pat's possession] Tell you what, uh, if you come on over? I'll help, um, authenticate it for you. I'll give it the Nerd seal of approval.
The "Nerd seal of approval"? What is that? Like, you'll take a dump on it?
No, that would be the Nerd seal of disapproval. Come over, I'll take a look at it.
[trying to convince Pat to give him the rarer gold NWC cart] The gold one's a piece of crap! I mean, you don't want that. I mean, you know how they made those! They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on! With glue!
Yeah! Elmer's glue!
Yeah-yeah, I bet Mr. Elmer himself glued it on from his own goat. [imitates goat bleating]
[while getting ready to play NWC] Where's your Nintendo?
Oh, the Nintendo? Right there, the Nintoaster.
The what? Are you playing video games or making breakfast? I'm not turning these expensive games into a goddamn English muffin!
[while playing the Rad Racer portion of NWC] Just think, the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!
Sure, you can buy a car, but it wouldn't be a racer as rad as this.
Alright, So I finished Rad Racer. Now I'm up to Tetris?
Final game, Nerd. All right, you're on a time limit, and to maximize your score, you gotta get the four-line Tetrises. W-Wait. Why am I helping you? You think you deserve these games? You changed your name from the Angry Nintendo Nerd to the Video Game Nerd! I'm the NES Punk, I deserve these games!
I know a lot of people who own Tetris. And they actually have the whole game!
That's it, that's your score. I'm going to annihilate it. [takes the NES controller from The Nerd] Thank you very much. [gets 50 coins on Super Mario Bros.] Okay, I just beat you on Super Mario Bros. Now, it's Rad Racer time.
Look at that. Well, you got two more games!
Yeah, I know I do. I can count!
Well, just think. We're playing on a reproduction cart, but if we were playing one of those other ones, it would be the same thing. So, what's the point? Just to play on an overly priced game cartridge?
What's the point? The point is, those games are part of Nintendo and video game history! There are part of our culture! Those games represent the point where Nintendo dominated our, our society! [car in "Rad Racer" crashes] Oh-- ah! Tetris is next. I'm not gonna let you taunt me outta this one, I'm gonna win!
No, I'm serious. This game is a piece of shit.
Come on, Pat. Come on. Yeah! Triple-Line score! [pants] Double-Line score! I'm gonna win. [The Nerd gets the hammer from the drawer] The games are mine!
Nintendo World Championships is poop on a pedestal. It's an over-glorified holy shit-grail! Fuck it to hell, fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Yes! I won! I won! [The Nerd whacks the two cartridges as he grunts angrily and smashes them into pieces as Pat looks at the broken pieces of NWC cartridges then The Nerd removes the reproduction cartridge.]
Here you go. You can have this one. [Pat the NES Punk takes it for a moment, and then it slips out of his hands in his own disbelief. Pat the NES Punk then starts laughing, and The Nerd starts laughing as well.] Oh, man. [laughs then gets attacked by Pat the NES Punk]
This is gonna get scary. Okay, I play a lot of 8-bit shit; you know, NES. Why is there so many crappy games on NES? I mean - you know, they have lots of great, classic games as well. But its precious library was being used by all these half-ass game companies as a dumping ground for all their foul shit.
[Talking about the title screen in the Genesis version of Dark Castle] What the hell is this? A ghost giving a castle a blow job?
[Upon starting the game and noticing the first room] This one says "BK". What the hell does BK stand for? Burger King? I hope! If I go in there and I get served hamburgers, that would be the tits!
[In the game's dungeon] Oh, that's neat. Graffiti on the walls. "Gamers rule" and *what?* "Saddam was here"? As in Saddam Hussein? What was he doin' goin' around writing on castle walls? And "Gamers rule"? That's the same handwriting. Hmm, so Saddam was a really hardcore gamer? Wow.
[Talking about the music] After you listen to the music for a half hour, you get tired of it. Fortunately, you have the option to turn the music off, but you have to do it at the right time, or else, it sustains it. [The nerd turns off the music at the wrong time and a loud genesis sound is played] Isn't that the fuckest thing you've ever heard?!! Didn't anybody test this shit out?!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
