The Angry Video Game Nerd quotes

The Nerd

You're doing this, you cybernetic shit-sucker!

You wanna know a recipe for shit? Take a movie, put it on NES, n' you got yourself some shit. But let's go even more extreme. Let's take one of the best movies ever made, Jaws, by one of the best directors, Steven Spielberg! And then, let's give it to the game company that has made more fucking shitty games than anybody else! You see that little rainbow, right there? LJN. ...Now we're talking shit. Ahh, LJN. What we're dealing with here is a shitty-game-making-machine. It's really a miracle of electronic evolution. All this machine does is joke, and cheat, and make shitty games, and that's all.

Jaws’ Power Meter goes down slower than the hairs grow on a moose’s scrotum.

We're gonna need a bigger ass... to shit out this fucking turd! [Removes the game from the Nintoaster] Never playing this game again. I would just throw it into the sea, but I hear that in 2015, there's an antique store opening up, in Hill Valley. They might take it. (Picks up a box) Well, right here, I got a box of games, based on movies by Steven Spielberg. Let's see what we got. (he pulls out E.T. the Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600. The Nerd gasps in horror, throws the box away, and the camera zooms in on the E.T. game) Ugh!

Super Schindler's List 3D!? Nah, I'm just kiddin'. It's Jurassic Park.

It's one of those "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of games. You run around like an idiot collecting eggs. So, yes, it's like a big Easter egg hunt with Smokey Bear and dinosaurs.

Looky looky, I got Hooky.

It's amazing how many games in the NES library tried to be side-scrollers and failed. The weapon is puny, the controls suck, and it's nothing like the movie. It's a miserable experience that assaults your eyes and ears with horrible graphics and music. What about your nose? If it was possible, I'm sure the game cartridge would come with an air duct that pervades the room with the rancid odor of a skunk that's died up a horse's ass! Ugh! You know what kind of games I like? Good ones?

[Playing Jurassic Park: Interactive on the 3DO] Oh, look at this! You're a tiny microscopic speck flying around in circuit-chip land shooting three-and-a-half-inch floppy disks. What does this have to do with Jurassic Park!? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!? Wait a minute. What does it say on the floppy disks? "Dump"? It says "Dump"? How appropriate. This game is a bunch of anal dump.

Jurassic Park on 3DO is a complete mockery, man. Does it suck? You bet "JUR ASS IC" sucks! In the words of Ian Malcom, "That is one big pile of shit." The problem with all these games is that the power to make them doesn't require any discipline. They took the movie, without any responsibility, they stood on the shoulders of Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton to accomplish something as fast as they could, and before they even knew what they had, they patented it, they packaged it, they slapped it on a plastic game cartridge or CD, and (slaps) they sold it.

Now even though this says E.T. Go Come on the cover it is not the E.T. game. Oh no. Now I gotta make something perfectly clear. I play shitty games so that innocent gamers don't have to. But there's one game I never play. [picks up E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial for the Atari, opens the box, shows a cartridge then throws it in disgust while the choir sings in background] Ugh! [looks away, then looks back just as the camera slowly zooms in on the game with texts appear saying "To Be Continued in Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie"]

No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy the shit-seeking gamer who decides to play Barbie on NES. Whoo. We know that most games on NES are targeted towards young boys. So, here's one for the girls. As an adult male, why would I ever want to play this? Because I'm pathetic, and I'm asking for fuck!

So the game is actually her dream, in case you ever wanted to know what Barbie dreams about. She dreams about a nursery that's been overtaken by a poltergeist! Tennis rackets are hitting balls all over the place, there's clothing flying around, she has to fight the invisible woman, there's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something, Toucan Sam gives her a lift... I wonder if there's any psychological meaning behind these dreams. Barbie's really fucked up in the head. Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this fuck!

The wallpaper's covered in roses, teddy bears, and baseballs. I guess you can say this game is balls to the wall. I can't help but notice how many balls are in the game. They're everywhere! Perhaps the meaning behind this is because she's obsessed with Ken's balls.

I just got my ass handed to me by a Barbie game. This game was made for little girls and I can't even get past the first few stages. Fuck this game! Fucking Barbie! Plastic pink mall-shopping, bimbo, ball-craving, bird-riding, ghost-fighting, fish-flopping, psycho-dreaming, HAIR BRAIN PIECE OF FUCK! Go to fuck!