TV show quotes
[after defeating the Medusa] Finally when you kill her, you grab her head off the ground. You know what would be really awesome? If Davey woke up here, and had the teacher's decapitated head in his hands. [appears an image of Davey happily holding the teacher's blood dripping head] Yeah.
[after Davey got a trophy in his dream, and he wakes up in front of the principal with the trophy actually in his possession] So Davey wakes up and the Principal's like, "Where'd you get that trophy?" So, now Davey's actually bringing back objects from his dreams? Does this make any sense? You know what would be cool? If Freddy Krueger came out and clawed his fucking face off!
Well, that's it! Basically, that's Day Dreamin' Davey. That's the whole game. Mediocre... That's what it is. So, until next time... Gotta dream... something... better...
I have a bad feeling about this. We're gonna play a bunch of Star Wars games.The movies were a prime target for video game adaptations. They were full of all kinds of action setpieces with battles taking place in space and on land, lightsaber duels, speederbike chases. They had lovable characters, great storylines, and a classic mythology that was bright for expanding upon in the world of gaming. So, how could they fuck that up? Let's find out. Our journey begins, innocently enough, with the Atari 2600. [plays Star Wars for the Atari 2600] This is the first Star Wars game, or at least the first Atari version based on the first movie. It follows the same format as the arcade version which came out before. It focuses on only one scene from the movie: the climactic rebel attack on the Death Star. It's unimpressive to say the least, but for the time, it was ambitious to try and create a 3D perspective. And besides, the Atari 2600 is well known for not being able to live up to the arcade standards of quality.
[Playing the Japanese Famicom Star Wars, the Nerd fights Darth Vader inside the sandcrawler level, and is shocked when Vader transforms into a scorpion.] Did that happen in the movie? Did that happen in... any of the movies?! Did Darth Vader say to Luke, "I am your father, and I am also, a fucking scorpion!" No! It's not true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! WHY DOES DARTH VADER TURN INTO A FUCKING SCORPION?! That doesn't even happen in the Special Editions! There is no version of Star Wars, in this universe or timeline, or any other (I'm...sure of it.) where Darth Vader turns into...[Takes his glasses off, cleans them, rubs his eyes, and puts them back on]...a fucking scorpion.
It also happens to be one of those "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of games. If you haven't played the game before, you can spend hours searching for the right place.
OK, so I guess he's going into the Mos Eisley bar. That's the famous scene in the movie where Luke meets Han Solo. But one thing I didn't know was that they allow Landspeeders in the bar. What, does Luke just crash his way in? [a car-crashing sound effect and a Chewbacca roar are imposed on Luke riding the landspeeder straight into the bar] It's quite interesting, actually. In this version, Luke gets to the bar so fast, I bet Han and Greedo were still talking at, at the table, and you know, who shot first, Han or Greedo, whatever. But actually, neither one of them did! Luke kills Greedo with his Landspeeder. Right after Han says "Over my dead body.", BOOM! All of a sudden, Luke comes through, crashing with the fucking Landspeeder!!! I wanna see that in the next Special Edition.
The NES got a different Star Wars game. [sees JVC logo] Hold on. No LJN? It's a movie based game, it's on Nintendo, and it wasn't made by LJN? Then it might have a chance.
Man, the only way to beat an outrageously difficult game like this is to cheat! Like, I hear a lot of people use emulators or save-states. You know, that would be pretty handy, I guess, but you know what'd be better? How about just a button you press that makes the game beat? And that's why I invented the Beat-A-Game Button! Yeah! All you do, if you're playing a really hard game, you just push the button, and the game's beat! Let's try it out. Ninja Gaiden II. Ooh, that's a hard game. Oh, man. Oh, shit. I'm getting my fuck kicked. [he gets an idea as he presses the Beat-A-Game Button then beats Ninja Gaiden II] Legend of Zelda! [presses the button and he beats said game] Beat it. Mega Man! [presses the button and he beats said game] Beat it. You'd never thought you could beat the game. Not without the Beat-A-Game Button! [stands up and walks to his NES library] All right, all you games. Consider your ass beat! [he holds the button in triumph while an 8-bit version of The Imperial March plays as he wouldn't use the button to beat every single game] All right, back to Star Wars.
Of course we had to stop somewhere because there's a whole galaxy of Star Wars-related games so this could've gone on and on. With Star Wars Rebel Assault, Dark Forces, Jedi Academy, Rogue Squadron, Battlefront, Star Wars Chess, Lego Star Wars, Star Wars Puzzle Blaster, Star Wars Pod Racer, [he then starts making them up as he goes along] Jar Jar Binks Bingo, Death Star Builder 3.0, Chewie Wookie Cookie Cooking, Stormtrooper Tennis, Jabba's Farts Unleashed, (That was a good one.) Wedge's Wedgie Attack, Fishing For Ackbars, Super Sith Shit-Toss Tournament Edition, Boba Fett's Name Game, (Find his name in the fuckin' movies.) Governor Tarkin vs. Count Dookie-- [a cutout buffalo walks past and defecates through the Nerd's window, breaking it and startling the Nerd.] OH, MY GOD!!! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE--?! THAT FUCKING BUFFALO JUST TOOK A FUCKING FUCK THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW!!! OH, MY FUCKING GOD, THERE'S FUCK AND FUCKING GLASS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE! WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THAT FUCKING COME FROM?! OH, MY GOD!! NOW I GOTTA FUCKING CLEAN ALL THIS FUCK UP! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!
[The episode opens in the Nerd's room as the Nerd comes out of his NES collection.]
What's the difference? All these game suck. [walks toward another collection of games] All these games suck, too! I'm surrounded by filth! Might as well just cover my walls in shit! I'm living in shit! Fucking video games. We wasted so many hours of human life with this vile crap! We failed in our existence when we were cursed with the technology to invent such horrible mind-rotting catastrophes! We were better in the fucking medieval times! I wish we were just sitting on a river bank playing with fucking rocks!
[The Nerd looks and sees various video games on his shelves, all zooming in at once. The Nerd then takes out some games, including Fester's Quest, and drops them on the ground.]
This game sucks, and this game sucks, and this game sucks, and this game sucks... [picks up Atari 5200] This fucking thing barely even works. [takes out more devices, like the Virtual Boy, VictorMaxx Stuntmaster, the ColecoVision Expansion Module #2, the U-Force, the Atari 5200 Trak-Ball controller, and Coleco Telstar Arcade] And this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing... [the camera zooms in to some other games like the mini arcade games, as well as the ColecoVision] ...and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing... [crosses his arms] I don't like them. [walks to a shelf of games] Well, what are we gonna play this time?
[The Nerd takes the pen out of his pocket pouch, throws it backwards and then he finds an NES game "Gyromite".]
Gyromite? That was one of the NES launch titles. Yeah, like Duck Hunt, ExciteBike, and Super Mario Bros.! All the initial classics! Let's try it out.
[robotic voice] I will play, I am R.O.B., Robotic Operating Buddy.
[intrigued] Okay, cool, a robot. Here ya go. [hands R.O.B. the controller]
[robotic voice] Error, does not compute, requires adaptive device.
It's a controller. You play it.
[robotic voice] I do not have thumbs, you moron.
[robotic voice] Must have gyros.
[annoyed] You want a fucking gyro now? [He goes into the kitchen, makes a gyro sandwich, and returns to R.O.B.] All right, here's your damn gyro.
[robotic voice] You idiot. That is not a gyro.
I know, I tried - what, do you want me to go to fuckin' Greece?
[angrily] You ready now, R.O.B.? You happy? You got enough shit to work with?!
[robotic voice] Affirmative.
"Affirmative," your ass! Let's play.
Oh, no, no, no, no-- [Professor Hector dies] [growls angrily] Fuck! Oh, here comes a Smick! [Professor Hector dies again] [exclaims] Ah! Fucking Smick's a dick!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
