The Angry Video Game Nerd quotes

Half the time Lester does things against your own will. [Lester automatically runs away from a crab] I didn't do that! The game did! Have you ever had a game character disobey? [Lester runs away from a large turtle on the ground] Go near the damn turtle! Why does he keep running!? What's so threatening about a fucking turtle!? [Lester runs away from another turtle] Run, Lester, run! Get away from that turtle! That turtle might charge really fucking fast!

This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West! I'd rather play a CD-i game! Yeah! Like The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe. [plays it, but after a while of just looking at still images of flowers] ...No, I wouldn't.

Just let him die. Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this? Wouldn't you rather be a tough guy? Isn't that the whole point of playing a game? To feel empowered? To be someone you're not? I mean, I get it - he's supposed to be a nerd. Well, this "nerd" makes me look like Charles Bronson! Steve Urkel could beat the fuck out of this guy! I think this whole thing was an experiment: To create the world's worst video game character.

No wonder why he didn't get his own sequels. I can imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would've been like. The game would start... and you couldn't even move! All that happens, Lester pulls down his pants, sucks his thumb, and takes a fuck. The third game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts. (he shrugs) The fourth game doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo... (the Nerd puts the game into the SNES, turns it on, and the game explodes)... and it explodes. (disgusted) The fifth game isn't even a game at all: it's just a bag of shit that says Lester the Unlikely 5 on it. (the Nerd holds up the "Lester the Unlikely" 5 bag and fuck is dripping down to the floor. The Nerd holds his nose in revolt.) And there's a new one coming up on the PS4 using the latest state-of-the-art technology (the Nerd holds up the CD) of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. It just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-Ray a run for its money.

Fuck this game. (throws down the controller) And you know what? Fuck all games. I'm gonna watch some TV. (He turns on the TV and tries to change channels, but the TV is all static.) Man. TV nowadays sucks.

Wall Street Kid is a game about cash and stocks. Might as well fill my Christmas socks with trash and severed cat cocks!

Killing Time on 3DO doesn't give you enough ammo! Your parents paying fifty bucks for a game where you shoot the fuck out of ducks really sucks! I'd rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports like Altered Beast. Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can't stand in the least!

S.C.A.T. stands for Special Cybernetic Attack Team, but "the droppings of carnivorous mammals" is what the word "scat" really means. It's as close as you can get to a Nintendo game called "Shit".

We'll see how they like Circus Caper, it's as fun as inhaling Chewbacca's anal vapor!

[Playing Fist of the North Star on NES] Finding the right door is such a chore. C'mon, where do I go!? What a bore! Finally, when you do find the right door, how you go in? Wanna know the way? Not up, not down: By pressing Right, B, and A!!! How much were they drinking!? Why is it so stinking!? I'm staring unblinking, "What were they thinking!?"

[singing to the tune of You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch].

Oh, no. Time to play a fucky game for the 98th fucking time. Day Dreamin' Davey. Should I even care who the hell Davey is? Oh no, it's HAL. Don't trust anything called HAL. Actually, the same company created Kirby, and developed Super Smash Bros. Maybe this won't be so bad then.

Awesome!

Oh, no. I just jinxed the whole thing. Well, as you probably guessed from the title, this is all about a kid who daydreams. Starts out, Davey's in school, and a bully steals his pencil. ...So he's gotta get the pencil back? Man, that's some epic storyline right there. So, Davey falls asleep in class and dreams he's in the Middle Ages. It's like your typical Zelda-esque adventure, but instead of trying to save a princess and save the lives of everyone in the land from evil forces, it's all about getting... a pencil.

Why does he care so much about a fucking pencil? Was he planning to take it home after school and shove it up his fuck or something?

Then you get a sword, but it's a dream, so when he wakes up it's a ruler he's holding. Why is he so excited about a ruler? Does he wanna measure his turds? Then the teacher says, "What are you doing? You are going to see the principal for this." Um, for what? For measuring his turds in class?

What's this? A hooker? She asks if I need some "help"? Really! There's a Nintendo game where a hooker tries to sell herself to a kid. Now this whole thing is worth it.