[voiceover] And what about Judge Doom? He's one of the most difficult bosses in video game history, and I barely said a damn thing about him. Anytime Doom hits you, he takes a great deal of damage, but when you hit him, it doesn't do much. With such a huge assortment of weapons, you'd think that there'd be one that inflicts more damage on him, but nope, he has no weakness. All you can do is punch, punch, punch. It may seem easier than it looks, but Doom has no clear pattern. You gotta get lucky and just get him in the right rhythm so you can keep hitting him.
[voiceover] Once you knock him down, you think it's all over, but no. You gotta pick up the Dip Cannon. But before you can use it, you have to select it. Like, no shit. Why wouldn't I want it selected? The worst part is that now Judge Doom kills you with one hit. It doesn't matter how full your health is. Anyone's natural reaction is to tap the button, but that won't get you far. You have to know to hold down the button, and only that way can you beat him.
[Judge Doom is defeated, and the end screen with the text saying, "Toontown is saved and remains in the hands of its rightful owners, the Toons. The End."]
[voiceover] I already mentioned how the game has nothing to do with the movie. You're collecting clocks, throwing bowling balls, and dodging bees, and other bizarre things. One thing I didn't elaborate on before is how Marty has some serious problem with his legs where he can't stop walking. You'd think this is a Goddamn flying game because you can't stop. Imagine all the problems Marty must go through on a daily basis, being cursed to walk for all eternity! Imagine trying to order at a fast food restaurant, or any restaurant. Imagine going to work or trying to use a bathroom or fly on a plane. He can only stand still when he's behind a counter at a Café throwing milkshakes. Anybody who's played this Café stage knows how unforgiving it is, and I've talked about it already. [a Café customer stops to talk to Marty, then he throws him against the wall.]
But wouldn't you like to know what the rest of the game is like? Do we ever see Doc Brown, or does the DeLorean ever make an appearance? Or any of the other things from the movie? Let's find out.
[voiceover] The rest of the street stages are all the same, except they change the color. "No effort. Time is money, don't design another stage. Just change the color, and kids will think it's different." Do they think we're idiots?
Then we come to an empty classroom where Lorraine, I guess, is shooting hearts at Marty. What, is he the teacher all of a sudden? And what's he catching hearts for? I suppose it's like in the movie where Lorraine has a crush on Marty, but that's his mom so he's trying not to let that happen. Why isn't he avoiding the hearts then? Oh, I see, I guess he's catching them in a book or something. It's the most literal interpretation of a movie. "It's about time, so let's have clocks! It's about romance, let's have hearts!" Was this game designed by a human being? Or did they just feed the movie into a computer to process and then shit out this nonsensical fuck-poop?
Once again, like the Café stage, you have to score at least 50 points. Then it's on to more walking stages, and after that, it's the Enchantment Under The Sea dance where Marty plays guitar. What do you do? You have to catch musical notes. What more did you expect? I'll tell you one thing, it's certainly no Guitar Hero or Rock Band. Why does Marty play the guitar like a stand-up bass the whole time? Why is he wearing a boiler suit? I guess the same reason he's wearing a black muscle shirt. Where's the red jacket or the suit? Couldn't they have gotten Marty to look anything like he did in the films? And what about the music? Wouldn't this have been an opportune time to hear Earth Angel or Johnny B. Goode? [notices music from the game] Okay, wait a minute. It is Johnny B. Goode on crack. [4 seconds later] If they can make the DuckTales theme sound awesome in 8-bit, why not this? At least you get some different music for once.
Next, more walking. And finally, the DeLorean. Yes, the DeLorean makes an appearance, after all. This is supposed to be the scene where Marty is trying to get back to the future. The streets of Hill Valley are getting slammed with repeated lightning strikes! All you have to do here is dodge the lightning. That's all. Why are you dodging lightning anyway? Isn't Marty trying to get the lightning to hit the DeLorean to generate the 1.21 gigawatts and send him back to 1985? Isn't that the whole fucking idea of the movie? Anyway, that's Back to the Future NES. No special ending, nothing. [The music from the game continues playing] Fuck that music.
Well, now that we've seen the whole game, we can conclude that it has... uh... some relation to the movie. But it doesn't have any of the familiar music cues. And don't tell me it was some kind of licensing issue, like they were able to license the movie, but not the music that belongs with that movie that we all recognize. No Back to the Future theme, no Power of Love, no Back in Time, no Johnny B. Goode! (SORT OF) Well, fuck this! [throws the game cartridge behind the futon and drinks some Rolling Rock, accompanied by Johnny B. Goode on crack]
[voiceover] When I first reviewed this game, I was being a shithead. I never explained how it's played. And that's where things get really interesting. You're supposed to collect 30 items, and bring them all back to their rightful places and times. You find the items behind locked doors. To unlock the doors, you need to find the keys which are found by killing random enemies. But the keys don't sit still. They fly off the screen the second they appear. Usually, you're not expecting the key, so you might not catch it. Once the key's gone, it doesn't return. Not unless you exit the level and come back. Even when you get a key, most of the doors don't let you in. [Marty cannot unlock a door] I don't know the reason for this, but when you do find the right door, you'll get an item. But you don't get it right away, you have to do some sort of mini-game. They're all different, but the goal is the same: To collect all the clocks. How original.
[voiceover] Why did LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn't they have given somebody else a try? No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness. [The LJN rainbow logo appears on the screen, and each color lights up as the Nerd mentions them] "Purple for Putrid Gameplay", "blue for Bad Musical Abominations", "Green for Graphical Farts and Garlic", "Yellow for Piss Poor Lack of Loyalty to Source Material", "Orange for 'Aren't You a Fuckin' Idiot?'", and "Red for High-Stress Anger-Inducing Masochism". Put that all together, you got all the colors of the Shit Rainbow. [sarcastically] Hooray, LJN.
[voiceover, playing Back to the Future Part III on Genesis] Naturally, the graphics are a big step up, going over to a 16-bit console, and it represents the film far better than the Nintendo games. But there's one fatal flaw: the difficulty. You're Doc Brown on a horse trying to save Clara from going into the ravine. Unfortunately, the ground is littered with crates and other random obstacles, and the air is filled with birds, tomahawks, and all kinds of projectiles.
You get hit once, it knocks you off your horse, costing you precious time. If you fall only a few times, you have to start over. [Game Over screen with Clara falling into the ravine and her gravestone appears] Hazards come without any warning. The human brain cannot react as fast as this game demands! It's like a memory test; the only way to get by is to remember the whole level.
Uh, Jump! Uh, uh, jump again! Duck, uh... shoot, uh... what, [yells] FUCK! [Doc Brown gets knocked off horse] [exclaims] You fucking processing, stop being so blast!
[voiceover] It's really hard to distinguish which objects are hazards and which are just there for decoration, like this underwear. This is a perfect example of a game that starts out way too hard. It's only the first level and I can't beat it!
From what I understand, there's only four levels. For a Sega Genesis game, that's pathetic. I guess they were too lazy to design a longer game so they just made it more difficult so it'd take longer to beat, that's all!
[moans] Oh, and that fucking song, I am so sick of hearing it! Next time I hear Ghost Riders in the Sky, I'm gonna think about going 100 miles per hour on a horse jumping crates and getting shot at and shit!
[Doc gets knocked off horse repeatedly]
[voiceover] Fuck-fuck-fuck-UNGH-UNGH-fuck-fuck-ungh-UNGH-UNGH-FUCK-fuck-ungh-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-FUCK!!! FUCK! [gets furious, throws a pillow at the TV, takes out the game, throws it to the floor and screams.] Daaamn!! [he yells while he strangles the controller and throws the pillow to the floor.]
[after playing Super Back to the Future Part II on SNES] A good Back to the Future game? Somebody made a good Back to the Future game...and it was only in Japan? [suddenly gets angry] WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKIN' WORLD?! We get THESE shitty games, but not THAT one? Like, what the Hell? Why would you do that? It's good! I mean, it's not great, but, it's the best goddamn Back to the Future game I've ever played. It's actually a game! Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? Innocent people have suffered through these fucking fuck heaps! People developed "Fuck it!"-itis from this shit! People have gone on to live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would've went back in time and said to people, "Hey, hey, there's a good Back to the Future game. Put this shit down and go to Japan!", they would've looked at you like you're telling them to go...teabag a goat on the surface of Mars. [sarcastically] Well, thank you for taking a fuckin' shit on us all.
[The episode begins with a black-and-white clip; the first few seconds from the original "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" review from 2004. The Nerd's voice can be heard over this.]
In May of 2004, I gave a warning about a game called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I made it perfectly clear: DO NOT PLAY this game. But, from what I understand... people have played it. They didn't listen...but, it wasn't their fault. I only showed about one minute of footage from the game, and even though I talked about it at great length, it didn't do any good. [The Nerd drinks some Rolling Rock.] I called it a piece of shit. I called it an awful pile of steaming goat shit... [shakes his head in disgust] ...but, that was honoring it. I could have said anything, it wouldn't have mattered. I could have taken a fuck on it. But my own fuck would have been offended to lay on this loathsome piece of filth. Just the thought of covering this thing in doo-doo is like encasing it in gold. I curse the day I ever laid eyes on it. I curse the plastic that holds this abomination. My words are insufficient in describing the total insult to humanity that this "game" has provided. Everything that I've ever said, and anything that anybody else has ever said, is not enough. It must be shown. [He drinks more Rolling Rock]
When Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his story about a doctor who makes a potion that exposes his inner evil, he didn't realize that the potion would become a reality. Not in the form of chemistry, but through a late 20th century interactive electronic apparatus. Awful music, dreadful graphics, unspeakable gameplay, deceptive enemies, unavoidable hazards, useless weaponry, all mixed together and calculated just right. That is a horrible concoction!
[Cut to a graveyard, the Nerd digs up a skeleton from Robert Louis Stevenson's grave. The Nerd chokes the skeleton, but the skeleton laughs in a monstrous voice, and begins to choke the Nerd in response. Intimidated, the Nerd throws the skeleton away.]
SSkeleton
[gives the Nerd the middle finger] Fuck you.
[The Nerd tries to hit the skeleton with the cane, but misses, and the skeleton chortles, completely unharmed]
SSkeleton
I am the devil! [laughs evilly] Now go play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HYDE!!!!!
SSkeleton
[bellows] HYDE!!!!!!
I think I get it. Why, it's the best game ever made. It's more than a game! It exposes the dual nature of the human spirit. The only way to win the game is to be Jekyll, but you wanna be Hyde so you can shoot shit! You see, it's a constant battle between good and evil, and Jekyll must stay farther along his path than Hyde. If Hyde gains the lead, then evil will triumph over good, and that's the true conflict of the human soul.
And to deny the evil completely would only force it into the subconscious mind, like a city broken into different social classes: people don't wanna step outside their own boundaries, like Jekyll wandering into the wrong section of town, he's unwelcome. Nevertheless, he must abide by his own good nature.
No wonder the cane doesn't work. The game does not reward you for acting upon your malevolent intentions. It's a proposed guideline for a set of morality rules to be programmed into real life. It uses the Victorian Era as a fundamental depiction of outward respectability and inward lust, it's a metaphor for social and geographical fragmentation. It alludes the Freud theory of repression in which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from the conscious mind and left to operate on their own in the unconscious.
Or, you could just say, "THE GAME FUCKIN' SUCKS."
(sighs) What's the point? It's all gonna be dust one day. [He decides to play Lester the Unlikely] Lester the Unlikely. It's unlikely that this is gonna be a good game. (Inserts the game in and turns the Super Nintendo on as Lester yells like Tarzan.) Okay, title screen. Guy swinging on a vine. Like every other jungle adventure game. Then comes the story. You're Lester, a comic book geek who wanders onto a dock, and then... (Groans) OK, I have no faith in this character already if he's gonna go to sleep on a piece of cargo that's being loaded onto a ship. He becomes an involuntary stowaway, the ship's raided by pirates, and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island. That's where the game begins.
