The Angry Video Game Nerd quotes

They must have put all their focus into this one game, so this one's gotta be good...right? (shot of the gameplay from Cheetahmen; the player sprite touches the edge of a pool of water with the top of his head, and instantly dies) IT SUCKS - MONKEY - BUTTS - LIKE ALL - THE FUCKIN' - REST!!! (drinks Rolling Rock) Okay. Let's go.

(playing Cheetahmen on the Action 52 cartridge, jumping over the giant Saddam Hussein from Storm Over the Desert) Dude, think about it: A giant cheetah jumping over Saddam Hussein, whoa! I never thought I'd see that.

(discussing Cheetahmen II) I suppose this is the end of Action 52, but! They made... a Cheetahmen... sequel. Oh, yeah! You know how with a bad game, sometimes you wonder how it even made it into stores? Well, this is a case in which the horror was so unspeakable, the game was never released. (shows stills from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark and plays ominous music from the film) The cartridges were stored in a warehouse where they remained for years to come. It was never meant to be played. Then, in the late 90's, the cartridges were discovered, and became valuable collector's items. (stops playing music and showing stills) That's a true story. Except that the real story was probably a little less dramatic than that. Only 1500 of these games are known to exist and they command outrageous prices on eBay. I don't know if I should consider myself lucky or...not, but...here it is. (the Nerd reveals the game cartridge in his hand) The unholy grail of gaming. Would you believe that this game is so bad it doesn't even get its own cartridge? They recycled the same plastic casing from Action 52, and put a Cheetahmen II sticker on the back. (The cartridge's sticker actually reads "Cheetamen" instead of "Cheetahmen II".)

(after defeating the boss in Cheetahmen II, but the game fails to start the next level) Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as I can possibly go before it fucks out! Well, this is where I'd end things... (drinks Rolling Rock) ...but, there's yet another Cheetahmen game. (produces a copy of the Sega Genesis port of Action 52) Yeah. Action 52 on the Genesis. They just couldn't leave it alone, could they?

(talking about SKATER from the Genesis Action 52) You're some kid on roller skates jumping fifty feet in the air, of course. And most of the obstacles are dead cats! At least, I'm pretty sure they're dead. Why else would a cat be laying in the road? Tell me. If you're programming a video game and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of all the things you can put there, why does your imagination go straight to dead cats!?

(after playing Cheetahmen from the Genesis Action 52) I don't believe it. I just can't believe it that - this is even less playable than the NES version! You think by now, they'd come back down to Earth and un-fuck themselves! But you know what the really good news is? I'm done with Action 52! (puts on a party hat and blows on a party horn while fireworks go off)

Don't you just hate it when that happens? You'll be playin' a game, and then all of a sudden, it starts glitching up! (inserts Metal Gear into his Nintoaster) Oh, come on. Metal Gear's fuckin' up now? You blow the game, jiggle it around, use different consoles, but it still doesn't work. You know, when this happens, that means that there's something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mishmash of garbage. You're dealing with...a Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.

[Laughs mischievously] Good day to you, Nerd, how are you? Good day, sir! As you know, I am the Glitch Gremlin! And, I've got glitches in me britches for ya, Nerd! I've got (speaks gibberish).

I'm gonna lay the fuck smack on you! You think I can't still play?

And here we have Punch-Out!! with "Iron Mike" Tyson. I just ironed out his face! How do you like that? We'll call him Shit-Fuck-Face Mike Tyson!

You little fuck-nugget, get out of my game!

[After describing his victory over the boss Big Pets in Mega Man 5 while having been hindered by a glitch] And that was a great moment in Nerd history.

That's not possible! I've never seen anything like it!

I should get a gold medal.

Well, you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd! You sure did, standing room only...a full house of glitches! Ding ding ding! In this corner, we have weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, nothing! In this corner, we've got much of the same! Nothing!

No...

(As the in-game announcer repeats "Next up is a fight...")Do you hear that? What's that sound? Huh? Hm? Sounds of glitch. Your glitch. Enjoy it. (The Nerd resets his PS2, and the in-game combatants show up this time.) Nope. No use resetting. Not gonna do a thing.

Eh, fuck you. It's working now. (Spider Rico suddenly sinks into the floor.) What was that!?

I pulled him through the floor! That's a good one! Good one, Glitch Gremlin! (The Nerd looks on in shock as the fighters continuously sink to the floor. The Glitch Gremlin dances.) Oh yeah! I'm glitching! Get down, you bad self! Get down! Get down! Get down! Wooo!

Wow, I've never seen a game this fucked up. (He takes out the Rocky disc to clean it.)

(his reflection appears in the disc) Not gonna work, not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work o'clock. (The Nerd plays the game again, but now the in-game boxers have warped facial features.) In this corner, we have Bug-Eyed Balboa!

What happened to his mouth!?

His eyes are popping out! And in that corner, we've got Spider Rico, with no jaw! (He sinks into the floor, again.)

They're like zombies! What is this, "Rocky: The Undead Edition"? You are really one sick fuck, you know that? I'm gonna try Clubber Lang.

Oh, Clubber Lang, that could be a good one. Let's see what else I've got up my sleeves - oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final show-stopper, FEAST YER EYES ON THIS! (The in-game model of Clubber Lang appears horrifically deformed and mis-assembled, heavily resembling a straight log of solid fecal matter. His left leg flashes between being visible and invisible, while his right leg does not appear at all. A baffled Nerd drops his controller while the Gremlin laughs gleefully.)

It's a Clubber-fuck!

(commenting on the odd names for enemies in the original The Legend of Zelda) What do you call that? A rabbit's head? (buzzer sound) Wrong. A "Pols Voice". What's that, a mummy? (buzzer sound) "Gibdo". What's that, a ghost? (buzzer sound) "Ghini". What's that? Well, it's kinda like...like... (triple-ding sound) What?! It's called a "Like Like"?! Yeah, I'm not makin' this up, this is all comin' straight from the manual. What do you call that? A snake? (buzzer sound) Wrong, it's called "Rope". Yeah, really! If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you're in trouble. What's that, a bat? (buzzer sound) No, it's "Keese". What do you call the keys then, "Bats"? What's that, a knight? (buzzer sound) A "Darknut". Well then, what's that? Uh, a, uh, Geiger counselman? (buzzer sound) Oh, a "Rock". What's that, a spider? (buzzer sound) A "Tektite". Now what the fuck is a Tektite!? Is that even a real word? I'll look it up...yeah, it is. (reads off a dictionary) "Tektite. Any of several kinds of small glassy bodies, in various forms, occurring in Australia and elsewhere, now believed to have been produced by the impact of meteorites on the earth's surface." Yeah. Or, a spider. Well, fuck. Let's move onto Zelda II.

In each town, there's a woman that restores your health. She invites Link inside, and you never see what's happening in there. Is she giving him a potion? Is she performing a magic spell? No. We all know what's really happening. Link is like, you know, getting a little of the ol' in-out in-out. I mean, this isn't little boy Link anymore, he's grown up now. He learns all these special moves like the down-thrust and the up-thrust, and there, he learns the cunt-thrust. Yeah, that should be the name of a band. But really, Link deserves to get some because of all this hell he goes through. He's not gonna get any from Zelda... Well, then again, she's in a sleeping spell. What was Link doing there in the first place? Oh, no, Link's a poon hound.

(repeatedly failing to defeat the final boss, Dark Link) Well, it's impossible. I have better luck trying to fight my own shadow! (imitates trying to punch his own shadow on the wall and hurting his hand against the wall) You motherfucker! C'mon! God damn! (cuts back to the Nerd on his couch) You can't beat your own shadow, and that's what this game is. It's your dark alter ego that knows more about you than you know about yourself. I don't know how you could win, unless you're really hardcore. Some gamers are so hardcore with the first game, they've actually made it to Ganon without the sword. That's insane! But, people like a good challenge. You want a good challenge? Try beating Zelda II with the Power Glove, yeah. That's a laugh. In conclusion, it's still a great game. But many consider it the black sheep of the Zelda franchise. And understandably, it's very different from the first game but obviously Nintendo didn't want to just rehash the same game over again so they tried something new. Some people were confused and admittedly it had some mixed results. But it had a legacy of its own. It was the first Zelda game that had towns to visit and to have a magic meter and many games copied its style such as Battle of the Olympus and even Rambo. Bottom line, it's a good game, but a very frustrating one. I'll never beat it as long as I live. Nope. (turns off TV, walks away, but then runs back to the TV to turn it back on. The ending message appears on the TV saying "You saved Hyrule and you are a real hero!" Then, he looks at the Power Glove in shock and disbelief. Then the curtain lowers and then Zelda and Link supposedly kiss with the curtain covering it up and the words "The End" appear.)

The Nerd

It's time to go back... to the past... again. Remember when I was the Angry Nintendo Nerd, reliving the frustrating games from my youth?

ASS!!!!! FUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!

The Nerd

Well, not much as changed. But I was never really satisfied with my older videos.

The Nerd

[voiceover] I've always wanted to go back and complete them the way I originally intended. The McKids video, for example. I felt like there should have been a dancing scene with Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and the Hamburglar. And Dracula. And Skeletor. I'd also like to go back to the original negatives, clean them up, make them look good as shit, and give them some new enhancements.

The Nerd

[voiceover] In the Friday the 13th video, I shot Jason Voorhees in the head.

You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that fuckin' game, you no-good piece of--! [BANG!!! The Nerd shoots Jason in the head in the original review]

The Nerd

[voiceover] That made me look like a cold-blooded killer. I always felt Jason should have shot first. [same thing, but Jason fires a laser gun at the Nerd, but he dodges and shoots Jason in the head]

The Nerd

I'm just kidding. I have no intentions of changing my older videos like that. But with all seriousness, some of the games I've done, I could have covered them a little better.

The Nerd

[replaying Top Gun] I'm gonna land this thing. Oh, yeah. I'm finally gonna land the plane. This time, I'm gonna land it for real. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got the speed right, but the altitude's off! [watches the numbers] Oh, I'm going too fast! [watches the screen] [the plane somehow flies out of the TV with the Nerd looking surprised and breaks through a window] Hey, if, uh...anybody sees that plane, can you let me know?