TV show quotes
This might be a good time to bring up that most of these old consoles have a connector that looks like this. You have to plug them into a box, and screw the box into your TV. But I say get yourself one of these [an adapter], plug it into the coaxial unit on your TV, plug the game in, and tell that box to go fuck itself.
The Sears Super Pong Telegame. Simple enough, two little knobs for controllers, works alright, basic Pong, you got four different kinds of Pong, like... what the hell is this? "Reverse Pong"? Okay, now what's this, "Asshole Pong"? That's not fair.
Well, that's Pong for ya. All these different consoles goes to show how such a simple game could become such a hot-selling franchise. I could see people thinking 30 years ago "Wow. Pong. This is where it's at! It ain't gonna get any better than this!" Now what's this here, this "Xbox 360?" Some modern game system? I don't know, maybe it has advanced graphics? Might even be in color. Let's check it out. [starts playing "Grand Theft Auto IV" as a rock remix of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays. Cut to the Nerd with an absolutely amazed expression on his face]
Are you ready for some action? Some Action 52? I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time. Like this one right here: [reading a fan email] "Action 52. Fuck this game, please do a review on it. You asshole. Thanks." Wow. I guess I gotta do it now.
Number 5, "Ooze." Oh, wow, a title screen? Really? [starts the game, then sees several green pickle-shaped objects in the background] Oh my god, it's...it's... [the objects each turn into a Shit Pickle]
Shitpickleshitpickleshitpickleshit...
Whoa! Ohh-
Pickle! Shi-i-i-i-i-
Narlalalala!
Shit pickle!
Alrighty, then. Well, this is the first game that uses the "B" button. For jumping! Any gamer who grew up with Super Mario Bros. expects "A" to jump.
(playing the 7th game, Crytical Bypass) "Crytical Bypass". It's critical that you bypass this game!
(playing the 20th game, Space Dreams, then learning that safety pins are the enemy) Oh, my, what's this gonna be? Why of course! Another space shooter! This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. Safety pins as enemies in a video game...Where'd they come up with this stuff?! [playing one of the game programmers] Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. [he picks up a safety pin where it lays on a table] Ahhh, safety pin! That'll be perfect! [he puts the safety pin down and types in his computer] Next game.
[playing the 22nd game, Spread Fire] These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Take a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It's getting old.
[after playing 25 of the games] ...Wow. Twenty-five shitty games, and still going. This is an endurance, man. I've never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life. Was the whole idea to make so many shitty games that there'd be no more shitty games left to make!? Out of all of these, there's gotta be at least one that's...tolerable!
[playing the 29th game] Uh, "Slashers"? I thought it'd be like a horror game. Instead it's a poor man's version of Double Dragon. Saying that is being extremely generous.
And what are these, hookers?! I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up!
[playing the 31st game, Fuzz Power] Whoever came up with this is an asshole! [cuts to a fictionalized version of the episode that would be shown on public TV with profanity bleeped out] Whoever came up with this is an assh***! Ass! [pause] Hole? Assh***! [sarcastically] Television makes a lot of "sense".
[after playing 35 of the 52 games] I've lost all hope. 52 games, they all probably suck. I can think of some pretty bad games. Like Little Red Hood. That's a horrible game. But at least it's one horrible game! Not 52! You know what's more fun than Action 52? 52 Card Pickup. You know how you play that? [drops a deck of 52 playing cards on the floor] Pick up the cards!
Number 36, "Storm over the Desert." Ooh, another title screen! So, you're an army tank, shooting at other army tanks... which happen to be pink. Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fuckin' pussies. [a giant Saddam Hussein runs across the screen] What the hell?! A giant Saddam Hussein? How'd they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren't giant, so why's Saddam?
[playing the 48th game, Time Warp Tickers] You're a pair of fingers in checkerboard-land with upside-down doors. What kind of drugs were they on? Was this game even made by a human being? "Time?"? When you kill things, it says "Time?"? What does that mean? Time to play another fuckin' game?
[after playing 51 of the 52 games] I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR $199! That's about how much it costs for a video game console, pretty much. You can take $199, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You'd rather do anything than spend it on a broken-down dysfunctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in midair, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuck-ton of other things! It should've been illegal for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn't they have tried making one good game, as opposed to 52 horrible games? Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here. [drinks Rolling Rock] Well, there's only one game left so it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this all be the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of the shit sundae? We can only hope. [begins playing the 52nd game as the credits roll]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
