The Angry Video Game Nerd quotes

You know what? Educate me. Please educate me. Because, I'm goin' through sensory deprivation! I'm so fuckin' bored I'd rather go back to school than play this shit!

Educational or not, these games are horrible abominations of space and time that give insult to the very fabric of nature itself! In other words... they suck.

I remember in the early '90s seeing commercials for the 3DO. It was advertised as the most advanced game system and it forced itself right into your face, like: "If you don't get this thing, you're gonna get left in the dust." It even went out of its way to insult Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, saying that those are just baby toys. Well, everybody I knew had those "baby toys" and nobody--I repeat, NOBODY, I have ever met owned a 3DO. Probably because its price in the US was $700. I mean, FUCK. But you better buy it, because this is the real gaming console. That was its slogan, REAL, because it's a real pieceashit!

Well, the game is called "Plumbers Don't Wear Ties", so I guess it makes sense. He's a plumber, and I don't see him wearing a tie. (The moment he says tie, John is shown wearing a tie.) What the fuck? You can't even trust the fuckingdamn title!

You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all. ... Take your clothes off, Jane.

Oh shit.

You know, we get at least 200 qualified applicants for every position here. It's those people who do that little extra thing. They're the ones who get head-I mean get ahead.

Oh, what a bad joke. It doesn't even have any relevance now. He just told her to take off her clothes. He might as well say straight out, "Suck my cock."

TAKE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES OFF!

What a pervert! And what's with all the filters? (wrong answer sound effect plays)

Now see how your sick curiosity led Jane into this mess?

Time for another decision. Either she refuses to take off her clothes, or she accepts. Now, wait a minute. The first decision says, "Our heroine declines the disgusting proposal!" But in the image, she seems to be taking off her clothes. While running away, but still. It doesn't make any sense. Did they swap the images by accident? So let's go with the more interesting choice. (Jane is now shown undressed, holding a whip and handcuffs) Damn! She just happened to have a whip and handcuffs?! (imitating Thresher) Wow, I'd no idea she'd actually do it! (Jane now has Thresher, in his underwear, on his knees in an S&M position. The Nerd is utterly shocked by this scene.) WHAT KIND OF FUCKED-UP GAME IS THIS!!?

Now for the final choice. Either, "I want the Hollywood ending!" or "Gimme something different." Yeah, you know what? Give me something different. Give me a different fuckin' game! (tosses the game away) This is one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. On the box, it says, "Plays like a game...but feels like a MOVIE!!!" Well that's horse shit. It does not play like a game, and it certainly does not feel like a movie. It's a slideshow that verges on being softcore porn. But it isn't that either! (video goes into different still photos of the Nerd with filters and crazy objects inserted.) It's like some kind of experimental art project. If I just made a bunch of shit and put all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of fuck. It would also be the same to go take a shit on a piece of toast on top of a roof while wearing a fish mask singing I’m Too Sexy.

The Nerd

All right. That's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit; rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it.

The Nerd

Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up!

Bugs Bunny

We do, doc. But you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the FUCKIN' FACE!!

[At the beginning of the game, Pitfall Harry climbs down the first ladder and dies] Nice. Fucking beautiful. The first ladder you see drops you into a pit where you get killed by a bird or a bat, whatever it is. And even if it wasn't there, I'd fall on the spikes. So it's basically death insurance. "Let's put every kind of obstacle we can possibly think of in the very beginning of the game." You know, I'm disappointed. Couldn't there have been lava on top of the spikes, with fire sharks swimming in it? Couldn't there be more spikes coming from the sides ready to close in and squash me while stabbing at the same time? How 'bout some laser cannons and upside down volcanoes? You want to be even more efficient? Why even have the ladder? Why not just start the game falling down the pit? Fuckin' assholes! [sighs] Talk about a beginner's trap. They sure nailed it.

So we're jumping around in thin air, trying to find different suits, like spades, hearts and diamonds. What purpose does this have? I found the princess... does he need to play Poker with her or something?

The Nerd

[failing to defeat Mechagodzilla] THAT FUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! THAT MOTHERFUCKIN'-SHIT-SUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! It's not even like there's a counter! It's like the game just pulls the plug! Like: "Oh, you're gonna win? Well not anymore, ya ass-backed fecal-fucker shit-faced anus brain!" The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it. The game fuckin' cheats.

The Nerd

[reviewing Godzilla on Game Boy] How could they do this to the king of the monsters!? They might as well have Godzilla in a clown suit jumping on a pogo stick. I'm not even gonna waste my time with this shit. The best way to sum this up is to recite a very famous quote from William Shakespeare: "Fuck it!"

The Nerd

15 years later, I'm still pissed. All I wanted was a good Godzilla game, but my childhood passed me by, and I never got it. [He drinks beer] But nowadays, there's plenty of Godzilla games: Godzilla Destroy All Monsters Melee, Godzilla: Save the Earth, and Godzilla: Unleashed. This is after my time. I don't know anything about this here PlayStation 2 and Xbox shit. But I'm gonna give it a try.

The Nerd

[comparing modern-day Godzilla games to the above titles] Why couldn't I have those games when I was a kid?! Goddamn it, I was born too fuckin' early. Instead, I have to grow up these miserable pieces of shit-fuckin' anal juggs. These games suck Baragon's sweaty ballsack! I'd rather get an electric shock from suckin' Mecha-Godzilla's mechanical wiener! These games are shit, drizzling out of the Smog Monster's rancid putrid a-hole! And then, being swallowed and barfed up by Anguirus while I lay on his spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass, while Destoroyah dumps his diabolical diarrhea all over my face! Man, it's just a bunch of fuck, it's a pile of cunt, fuck, shit, fuck...cunt...fuck. Goddamn it! I just said "Fuck!" from the bottom of my heart, and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left. So, you know what? Somebody's gotta invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game, these fuckin' games are... SCUNT!!! Oh, yeah. It's that bad.

The Nerd

The enemies are the most cliché you could possibly think of. When would Wayne and Garth ever be fighting spiders and ninjas? Who cares, right? As long as the game says Wayne's World, kids will want it.

Kids know dick.