TV show quotes
Every time he gets hit, he says "NOT!"
NOT!
That doesn't make any sense. What is he saying "not" to? Usually, the word "not" follows a sarcastic statement. It's like explaining it to Borat.
And this suit is not black!
No, no, "not" has to be the end.
OK, OK, this suit is black not.
Well, I can't beat the first level, so I'm done with this game!... Well, there is a code.
I did not realize that. Russell, did you realize that?
No, I did not realize that.
And could you guess the boss in this level? Would you expect anything different than... a giant donut?
Aaaahahahahaha! Yeah! Hahaha!
What in the unholy name of ass is this fuckness? [looks at the script and fuckness is displayed as an invalid word] Oh, wait, that's not a word? Well, it should be.
Hmm. "Trans Fishers"? That reminds me of Terence Fisher, the director of many of the hammer horror films. That's a funny coincidence. Oh, wait. "Vran Stoker"? Like Bram Stoker, the author of Dracula? Wha-- "Christopher Bee"? Is it a joke? I don't get it! Are they saying Christopher Lee is like a bee? [Bee with a face like Christopher Lee's comes buzzing by] No, they can't mean that. This is probably just a series of strangely coincidental typos. "Belo Lugosi"? "Boris Karloffice"? They're just fuckin' around. "Love Chaney Jr."? "Mix Schrecks"? "Green Stranger"? Is this supposed to be funny? Like, just to take a celebrity's name and change it around? That's like if I took the name Steven Spielberg and called him "Steven Gielberg". Like, that's not funny, that's kindergarten level! No, kindergarten students don't find that funny! Aliens don't find that funny! Well, anyway, that's Castlevania for you. Good game, but holy fuck, is it hard. Now, as promised, we're gonna plow through the rest of 'em, all the old-school Castlevania games. The ones that I grew up w--
[the "WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE." box from Castlevania II: Simon's Quest appears in front of the Nerd, interrupting him. The box disappears a few seconds later, and a day-to-night transition in the style of the said game is shown. Then the "Monster Dance Theme" plays and the Nerd's room looks darker than before. The Nerd notices the cartridge of said game]
Not that one. Next on our list, is Castlevania III, which in many ways is the true follow-up--
["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown again]
No. I already reviewed that game. So, anyway--
["Monster Dance Theme" music plays and cartridge is shown again]
No.
["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown again]
Stop.
["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown again]
Stop!
["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown again]
[annoyed] STOP!
["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown yet again, and the Nerd looks at Castlevania III, and then back at Castlevania II, and "To Be Continued..." appears.]
It goes back to the basic style of the first game, but has two main innovations. The first thing, you often come to a fork in the road where you get to choose which path to take. The other thing is that you get to play as other characters, whom you meet along the way. There's Grant, who climbs on walls, Sypha, who has magic spells, and Alucard, who can turn into a bat, but you need enough hearts to do it. Alucard happens to be Dracula's son. The name Alucard's Dracula spelled backwards, and it came from the 1943 movie, Son of Dracula.
Announce Count Alucard.
D-R-A-C--
What are you mumbling about?
Nothing, nothing. Just a silly idea hit me.
If there's any game which puts you in a bad mood, it's CastleVania III. You know, like if you want a game that'll piss you off, putting this game in your Nintendo is like running open-armed out into a rainstorm of piss. You wanna go balls to the wall? Well, there's one way to put your balls to the wall, and that's to stick your dick into an electric outlet. You wanna play shit tennis with an orangutan while having your head up a hyena's asshole?! Well, good luck. Well, that finishes off the CastleVania trilogy, but there's more memories to be shared. 'Cause Dracula never dies, Halloween is goin' overtime, it's a CastleVania-thon! [howls like a wolf]
[blooper]
This game is like playing shit tennis, with an orangutan, while havin' a hyena's head up your ass! [cracks a smile] Or your head up it's ass! And-- [breaks character and laughs]
When the 1980s came to an end, the Castlevania trilogy was already edged into my mind as classic. It was the arcitype of both the action and horror genres and a masterpiece in side-scrolling gaming. Roughly at the turn of the decade came the 16-bit era. I had no idea that it could actually get better. In 1991, Castlevania made its transition to the new Super Nintendo. But this wasn't just Castlevania IV. Oh, no. This was Super Castlevania IV, and well worthy of that title. The graphics and sound just blew my fucking balls off. The haunting and chilling atmosphere of the old games was now like a walk through the park with the Care Bears. This time, I was really getting scared.
That's what you call Castlevania. Traditional side-scrolling action. Familiar, yet fresh. It takes place all over Europe rather than just strictly in Transylvania. You get a choice of two characters; John Morris and Eric Lecarde. I wonder what happened to the Belmonts? Who are these people? Well, supposedly, John Morris is the son of Quincy Morris from Dracula, the Bram Stoker novel. (cut to him IRL) That just blew my mind! It's like now we're bringing the novel into it? So the whole canon of the games is now with the canon of the book, and... it's like taking two cannons and putting them together!
What are these, skeletons shooting lasers out their cocks?
"ANALBAG", that's me.
The Nerd In Dawn of Sorrow, Dracula's castle emerges from a solar eclipse in Japan. I thought that Japan had enough trouble with Godzilla stomping around. Now they have Dracula, too?
You're familiar with the story, right? It goes somethin' like this. Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She liked to jump in the air and whistle out her vagina. She kicked at trees until Big Bird's ballsack would appear. What, that's not the story? Oh, well excuse me, 'cause this isn't Little Red Riding Hood. This is Little RED Hood.
The only thing you might be wondering now, is what on Earth does this have to do with the story of Little Red Riding Hood? Well... I'll tell ya. Absolutely fuckin' nothing.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
