Well now, we saved the worst for last: It's Waterworld. Now, let's just stop for a moment and take this in, okay? [Breathes deeply] Waterworld... on Virtual Boy. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[after he reviews Waterworld on Virtual Boy] Well, that's it. The Virtual Boy was such a flop it died than less than a year. Yeah, and I didn't pick these games, this is all of them. I just reviewed every Virtual Boy game to be released in North America. That's right, I am holding the entire library of games for this piece of shit in one hand! With the exception of Jack Bros., which is rare, expensive, and probably not worth jack shit.
[from the HQ and DVD version] It's time for an update because now I have Jack Bros., thank you very much. It's like I talk about shit, and somebody sends me shit. So, let's give it a look and make this whole episode complete. Jack Bros., here we go. It's in Japanese, and since this game's story based, I'm not gonna be able to read any of the text. But the story doesn't concern us; we wanna know how it plays. You get a choice of three characters who look like Halloween mascots. Jack Frost, Jack Lantern, and a skeleton named Jack the Ripper. He's the coolest character, but his attack is just a sword, while the rest of the characters can shoot projectiles. That's real deceiving! It's almost like they planned it that way. Obviously, you're gonna pick the fuckin' skeleton, but they give him the shittiest weapon! So it plays like a typical overhead view, where you have to fight monsters, collect keys, and find an exit before time runs out. Instantly, it reminds me of Gauntlet. And that's not a bad thing. For such a rare game, it's not half-bad. But it doesn't utilize the Virtual Boy in any unique way. It goes 3-D a little, when you drop to a lower platform, but overall, it just comes down to the same thing: this should've been on Game Boy. This has nothing to do with Virtual Reality! I don't feel like I'm there! They didn't even TRY to make it virtual! Instead, they were just jacking off! And that takes care of the whole Virtual Boy catalogue.
Now, to be fair, most of the games are okay, but they're the same kind of games you might as well be playing on a regular TV screen! I mean, they tried to take advantage of some 3D elements. But this wasn't called 3D Boy. It was called Virtual Boy! And they didn't even attempt. They didn't even attempt a virtual reality concept. What it needed was some first-person shooter games, like Doom! That would have been awesome. Now, it's been about 10 years, the technology's got it better, but... nobody really gives a shit about virtual reality anymore. And maybe, that's for the best. [he flips the bird at the Virtual Boy where it combusts and the episode ends]
But now, on with the game. Let's start off with the enemy run-down. We got bloodthirsty bluebirds, frogs, chattering teeth, pink soldiers, some weird-looking dude, flying elephants which are supposed to be monkeys, a blobby blue guy, and killer chairs. Is this Wizard of Oz or Pee-wee's Playhouse? Then, there's all these buzz saws. Kinda violent, don't you think? Everything imaginable wants you dead. Even water faucets coming out of trees. Even the hands of a clock can kill you. (holding an analog clock) Oh God, there it is! Watch out for the clock! (imitates getting attacked by the clock)
Remember the scene from the movie where Dorothy kicks the shit out of a giant crow wearing a vest?
With a knuck! And a ruck! And a fuck! And a f-fuck!
Hey man, did you just swear?!
Uh, (laughs) yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you, fuck you, dick, dick, dick! (laughs)
(resumes explaining the game) Now, the only problem with the Lion is that after he dies only once...
(Gasps) Die?
...he never comes back!
(The Cowardly Lion runs out, but dies in an explosion.) Fuck!
SHIT! Come on!
(Chuckles) (He sees the Wicked Witch) Oh, is that the Witch? Is that the Witch? She's a bitch, not a witch! (Chortles)
Come on, you fuckin' green bitch! Melt like diarrhea in the hot sun!
(Chortles) Yeah! Now, Shove her broom right up her ass! Fuck that bitch! Fuck that bitch! Fuck! Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my ass! (Chortles and barks)
There's no shitty game like this, I'm serious. Like, it shouldn't have been made. Like, it's almost half as bad as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And I know it's been like 40-something reviews and I'm still talking about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But I'm serious, it's really almost that bad! FUCK THIS GAME, WATCH IT GO! (The Nerd throws the game, the same time the Cowardly Lion shits while doing a handstand making the game glued to the ceiling.) Daaaaaamn! You just plastered the game on my ceiling with your shit!
(The Lion laughs)
[Outtake]
Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of my balls, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my dick, Wi-- Wicked Witch of the ass. Wi-- Wicked Witch...
N'The Nerd
[cracking up] Wicked Witch of the ass! [Laughs]
The Intellivision came from Mattel Electronics. Now, you know what else they made? The Power Glove. Now, that's a bad sign right there. But, it was a great game system for its time.
The games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.
Okay, we gotta move on, but let me introduce the Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module. What the fuck is that? Well, it makes your games talk. Yeah. Now, at the time, the idea having voices in video games was a new thing. But unfortunately, only a few games were compatible, like B-17 Bomber.
EVElectronic Voice
Mattel Electronics presents: (hillbilly voice) B-17 Bomber.
(mimics the voice) B-17 BOMBER!
EHElectronic Hillbilly Voice
B-17 Bomber!
Alright, fuck the game. Let's try Bomb Squad.
EVElectronic Voice
Mattel Electronics presents: Bomb Squad. (Alarm buzzes) They'll never do it in time! The code! The code! Figure out the code!
What? Guess I gotta defuse the bomb.
EVElectronic Voice
It won't be easy! Replace this third, this fourth, this second, this first!
Oh, shit! OH, SHIT! OH, GOD! (Explosion)
(Also sprach Zarathustra from 2001: A Space Odyssey plays in the background) What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness and negative Earth, a towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers, or a giant monolith of death, Hell-bent on the annihilation of humankind, time, and all matter? No. It's the AC adapter for a Colecovision(The Nerd "struggles" to pick it up.) WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?! IS THIS NECESSARY?! Look! I can't fit this Godforsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet, unless there's nothing next to it! What a fucking hog! That's what it is; a self-indulgent glutton of a power hog.
[Campaign '84] "You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants." Okay, well who the hell was watching me get dressed!? If I wanna put my shoes on first, that's my own goddamn business!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.